I had a serious medical scare this week, and the last two days were spent curled up on my bed, crying. I was terrified. I thought my life was about to change forever. It was one of those times, one of those many many times, that I thought to myself, there’s no way I can get through this. I prayed the prayer of the truly desperate, a repetitive “help me help me help me” that I chanted like a mantra hour after endless hour. I knew God was there, I knew God could hear me, but I was too frightened to quiet down and listen for an answer to my pleas.

This morning I remembered a book I read recently, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I remembered a passage from the book where she spoke of her own desperation, and they way she reached out to God. I remembered it because God answered her, directly, clearly, specifically. On page 54 Elizabeth writes,

“What I write in my journal tonight is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I’m scared they will never leave. I say I don’t want to take the drugs [antidepressants] anymore, but I’m frightened I will have to. I’m terrified I will never really pull my life together.

In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page:

I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it- I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”

This is her god, she explains. Loving her. Answering her. Protecting her.

So this morning, remembering all this, I closed my eyes. I quieted my mind. I asked God for help, and then I picked up a piece of paper and a pen. This is what I wrote:

I love you. I will take care of you. You will be okay. I will never leave you. You are strong, you will persevere. You are my child, my daughter, my beloved. I am always with you.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is my god. Loving me. Answering me. Protecting me. And I will be fine.