Your lover is more in love with you than you are with them.
You are more in love with your lover than they are with you.

Which would you choose, if you could only have one or the other?

The past year has been difficult, to say the least. Logistically, just surviving has been a challenge. I’ve never lived on my own before, so it has been a struggle to be the sole bill-payer, house cleaner, and general keeper-upper-with-things. Add to that the whole single-parent issue, and I can say with certainty that it has all pretty much sucked. But I’m doing it. I’m paying all my bills, keeping up with most things, and the kids have stayed generally clean and well-fed. I had a hard time remembering to keep their teeth brushed for while, but we’ve overcome that minor hurdle. I’m doing it, but it’s been really really hard. It’s been all about survival this last year, physically as well as emotionally. And because of that I haven’t been the kind of mommy that I once was.

Don’t get me wrong. I am cutting myself some serious slack in this department because, honestly, things are going very well and that in itself is a testament to what a good mom I am. But lately I’ve hit kind of a wall of grief over it. Everything now is rush rush rush, get to school, get to bed, get to daddy’s house. We’re not at home that much, and when we are it doesn’t even feel like home, because we’ve just recently moved again. The girls are in a constant state of transition, and it’s been all I can do to just keep us moving through it all. This is all so different. I remember the days when all we did was paint. Or play with playdoh. Or walk to the park on a sunny afternoon. I had so much time to be a mom, and my entire existence was focused on them. I used to read parenting books and go to lectures, I was involved with Babs’ preschool and our church groups. Everything was centered around them, and it’s just not anymore.

I realize now, of course, that focusing my life solely on my children was part of the “problem”. I lost myself in trying to become a perfect mommy, and I never spent time thinking about who I was or what I wanted. The marriage suffered as well. Ammon and I were never alone together. We went away only once after the kids were born, and that was at the very end in a vain attempt to salvage our crumbling relationship. When we separated, I was forced to question for the first time who I really was. The labels “wife” and “stay-at-home mom” were suddenly stripped from me, and once they were gone I realized that it was those very labels I used to describe myself. I was so lost, and I grieved for the comfort of knowing where I stood in the world. And I have spent the last 9 months completely rebuilding the definition of my existence. I have been so absorbed by that, so deep in my head about it all, that it has been hard to be as present mentally as I would like to be for the kids. And that feels pretty shitty. Good lord, this has been the most frightening and tumultuous time in their lives, and I haven’t really been there with them. I haven’t talked with them like I used to, or just sat down and played. All I’ve been doing is walking behind them with my hands on their backs, pushing them forward into this new life. Let’s go c’mon we’re late we have to go go go go go. My poor babies.

I think this is all coming up because Babs’ birthday is right around the corner, and it’s time to start planning a birthday party. My concerns are so different this year than in years past. It’s no longer, how will we celebrate? or who should we invite? but what the hell can I handle without being completely overwhelmed? And that breaks my heart a little bit. I don’t want her birthday to be about me. It should be about her. She has been such a champ. Both of them have dealt amazingly well with the changes in their lives, and have come through it like the strong little troopers they are. But I’m wondering now if the reason they have been so strong is because they have had to be. Because I haven’t been able to be strong for them, and give them a safe place to be weak.

Hawaii was a very huge experience for me. It was there that I realized how truly capable and successful I am, completely on my own. I realized that I no longer have to rely on others for support or guidance, because I finally have my shit together enough to figure it out on my own. And the best part, the part that blew my mind, was realizing that I don’t want to rely on anyone anymore. I like making decisions and taking action on my own, because I trust myself to do the right thing, and I trust myself to do it well. I discovered that I like who I have become, and that for the first time in my life it feels really good to be me. It was so hard to come home, back to this stressful, crazy life, after having had such a peaceful experience there. But I’ve been trying to hold on to those feelings and weave them into my life here. I’ve been trying to let go of stress and guilt, and remember that I can do it, that I will do it, and that I will do it all well. I am constantly overwhelmed by this new life, but I have a new sense of calm that has come by just believing in myself for the first time ever. I hope that I can take this new strength and re-focus a bit on my daughters. It feels good to be a strong woman, but that strength means nothing unless I can use it to be a good mother. They need more of me, I know this. And I think that I am finally whole enough to give parts of myself away again. Life used to feel like I was holding water in my cupped hands, trying desperately to keep it from seeping out between my fingers. Holding on to that water was all I could think about. But I think it’s finally time to let go, to know that I am capable enough of finding water anywhere I go. I could trek across a desert if I needed to, and find the oasis on the other side.

My daughters have given me so much purpose, so much drive to become a better person for their sakes, and I think the time has come to show them how very thankful I am to have them in my life.

Winter quarter. No more comfy, windowless classrooms. No more specific, well thought-out lesson plans. It is winter quarter, and we’ve been thrown headfirst into the dark, cold waters of taking clients. We’re out in the salon, now. We are expected to be able to cut, perm, color, and style hair, to give manicures, pedicures and facials, and to be able to wax just about any part of the body. It is absolutely terrifying.

It’s one thing, you see, when you’re sequestered in the back of the building in a room with 10 other girls who know as little about this stuff as you do, hacking away at the mop attached to the top of your manikin’s head. If that manikin decides to stop cooperating during a haircut (because it’s alway’s the manikin’s fault you just sliced your finger, not yours), you can beat the manikin to death with a cushion brush. Or stab her in the face with a foil comb. Or drop her on the floor and kick her across the room. It is very satisfying. But alas, none of these things are legal to do to a real client. And this makes the entire process much more difficult.

But so far, my clients have been incredibly sweet and patient. Especially my very first client, a darling little old lady named Mary. Mary came in for a haircut and a roller set, but when she got there I saw that it had been a looooooong time since her last hair color, so I suggested we add that service in since I had time. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, being so ambitious on my first day, but she was so sweet and it really needed to be done and we both had time, so… Anyway, those three services ended up taking a grand total of five and a half hours. First of all, I’m still slow because I’m new, but on top of that an instructor also has to come and check every step before you can move on. The instructors are few, and the students are many, and so unfortunately there is a lot of waiting involved for our clients. But Mary was a dream, just so calm and patient, relaxing in her chair while I flitted about in a panic. I had no freaking idea what I was doing. But it ended up looking pretty good in the end. Mary reminded me of that old woman from Titanic. Rose, I think her name was? Remember her?

What a doll. Hopefully she’ll come in again this week for another roller set, and then I just may have myself a regular client! It’s scary and stressful, but I love it. It’s so great meeting new people all day and learning so much. My long term goal is to have a packed schedule by the time I graduate- all clients, all the time. That would make finding a job in the real world so much easier, if I come with an already established regular clientele. I think I can do it.

My short term goal is to get my cop neighbor to come in for a haircut while wearing his uniform. I need to get me some respect around that joint, hoss.