Letters From God
I had a serious medical scare this week, and the last two days were spent curled up on my bed, crying. I was terrified. I thought my life was about to change forever. It was one of those times, one of those many many times, that I thought to myself, there’s no way I can get through this. I prayed the prayer of the truly desperate, a repetitive “help me help me help me” that I chanted like a mantra hour after endless hour. I knew God was there, I knew God could hear me, but I was too frightened to quiet down and listen for an answer to my pleas.
This morning I remembered a book I read recently, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I remembered a passage from the book where she spoke of her own desperation, and they way she reached out to God. I remembered it because God answered her, directly, clearly, specifically. On page 54 Elizabeth writes,
“What I write in my journal tonight is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I’m scared they will never leave. I say I don’t want to take the drugs [antidepressants] anymore, but I’m frightened I will have to. I’m terrified I will never really pull my life together.
In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page:
I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it- I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”
This is her god, she explains. Loving her. Answering her. Protecting her.
So this morning, remembering all this, I closed my eyes. I quieted my mind. I asked God for help, and then I picked up a piece of paper and a pen. This is what I wrote:
I love you. I will take care of you. You will be okay. I will never leave you. You are strong, you will persevere. You are my child, my daughter, my beloved. I am always with you.
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is my god. Loving me. Answering me. Protecting me. And I will be fine.
re-read those words over and over again as often as you need them…
Comment by la vie en rose — October 30, 2007 @ October 30, 2007 at 6:54 am
call if you need to. I’m so glad you wrote, and I hope you’re on the upswing. You’re right, you know. About all of it.
Comment by redheadmomma — October 30, 2007 @ October 30, 2007 at 12:32 pm
“…and nothing will ever exhaust me.” That really hit me. I forget that in my weakness, he is strong.
Hope all is well with you. C
Comment by Cmommy — November 4, 2007 @ November 4, 2007 at 7:41 pm
I think we all need to be reminded and remind ourselves that everything really is going to be okay. Take care of you!
Comment by C — November 6, 2007 @ November 6, 2007 at 8:38 am
i hope you are doing okay. know that you are not alone in your struggles!
Comment by lovelydisturbance — November 6, 2007 @ November 6, 2007 at 8:32 pm
I love that when Google Reader tells me there is a post from you that it is *this* good. I feel pressured to write daily (from myself), but you are an inspiration to write when I need to. I just love reading your posts. I think that you sound more positive and happier than you used to. Even one that starts out scary has you coming to a place where you feel comforted; thanks for letting me share that feeling.
And I think it’s cool that my iTunes randomly played “Close to You” just as I started reading this.
Comment by KYouell — November 10, 2007 @ November 10, 2007 at 4:50 pm