Giving
Something interesting happened to me last night at the gas station.
I was filling up my car, when the woman at the pump next to me began to mutter. She was visibly upset; apparently the attendant wasn’t at the window, so she couldn’t pay for her gas. She had six one-dollar bills crumpled in her hand, and she was clearly in some kind of a hurry. She was pacing back and forth, pink pajama pants swishing as she walked, raging quietly at the absent attendant. When she noticed me watching her, she smiled and asked me how I was doing. “Fine,” I told her, “How are you?”
“Horrible. Just horrible. I’m getting out of a bad situation and I need to get out of here before he finds out I left. He’s not beating me anymore. I won’t take it anymore.”
“Good for you!” I said.
“I’ve got six dollars to my name- he took my paycheck last week. I packed some clothes and I left. I have to get out of here before he figures out that I’m gone. Look at this…” She opened her mouth and took out her two bottom teeth. “These aren’t real, he kicked my teeth out six months ago. I’ve got to get out of here. Where’s the attendant? I have to pay for my gas and leave before he finds me! Oh he’s back! Thank god.”
She went and gave him her money, and came back to the pump. She was only able to get two gallons. I felt like I had to do something.
“Look,” I told her. “I don’t have any cash, but I can fill you up on my card. Will that help?”
“Oh my god, thank you so much. Oh, I would have kept my cash. I’m starving. I haven’t eaten all day. We only eat when he wants to eat. He took my paycheck. I would have kept my cash- well, that’s ok. Thank you so much. I’m driving all the way to T—–. He won’t find me there.”
I gave her $30 worth of gas, but I didn’t feel quite right. I didn’t feel like she was being honest with me. But what else could I do? If she was telling the truth, she did need help. I’m not in any position to be throwing money left and right- I don’t even know if I can pay my bills next month- but here was a woman in some kind of trouble, and I had to do something.
As we both drove away from the gas station, she waved at me from her car and headed off towards the highway. I could see her a few cars ahead of me as I drove towards home. But instead of getting on the southbound ramp to go towards T—– she pulled into another gas station. I tried to catch a glimpse of her in my review mirror when I passed by and drove away, but I couldn’t see her. And now I wonder: did I do the right thing? Is it right to reach out, to offer help, if you don’t know for sure that you’re actually helping? If she was lying to me, trying to scam me, is it still right to believe in her and help her? I would have felt terrible if I hadn’t done anything, I know that much. But I’m not at ease with what I did. $30 is a lot of money to give a complete stranger, money I need to feed my children and keep us going, when I may very well have just been scammed and taken advantage of. I like to believe in the goodness of people, but it hurts to think that my goodwill and generosity may very well have come to nothing.
I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t matter what her intentions were at all. Maybe all that matters is that I did something good. I put something positive out there in the world. I believe it’s my responsibility as a human to do that. It’s her responsibility to take that and do something good with it on her end. But if she doesn’t, maybe it doesn’t negate my act of love. I just feel so unsettled. What do you think?
I know what you mean here — a couple of years ago, while we were in the middle of some pretty dire straits, something very similar happened to me. For a long time it kinda bothered me — unsettled is a good word — and I spent probably too much time wishing (in my case) that I’d had a smaller bill to offer to help with. I don’t know. I like your thoughts on it reflecting more on you than anything else. And once I read something, that in some Native American tribes the prevailing cultural thinking is that if your friend or brother needs money (for example) you give it to him, even if you know he’ll probably waste it, get drunk with it, whatever. I don’t know.
Maybe it just boils down to, when I give, I need to really GIVE, and really let go of what happens to it after that.
Comment by falwyn — August 20, 2007 @ August 20, 2007 at 12:29 pm
I remember about 16 years ago my friends and I “befriended” a homeless guy that always begged the folks waiting to get into this one nightclub. Instead of giving him cash, we’d give him cigarettes or water. After a few weeks we all recognized each other, and switched to first-name basis with him (his name was Gerard). We still didn’t give him cash, but would bring fruit, a sandwich, a soda. One night when we saw him, he told us that he and his wife were looking to improve their situation and he had gotten a lead on a small part-time job that would take him even though he lived in a shelter. But he needed new shoes. So the next week, we came back with new shoes for him. He was thrilled. The next week, no Gerard. Two weeks later, Gerard was back - no new shoes on his feet. He had sold them. To get “medicine” for his wife. He didn’t get the job. We felt cheated and told Gerard as much. He told us he was telling the truth and that his wife had been sick and needed medication and since his wife was more important than any job, he opted to get the medicine. We told him we didn’t believe him. The next week, he was back, with a woman. He introduced us to her and she began crying and shaking our hand, thanking us. “If it weren’t for you guys I could be dead right now. I was so sick and the shelter didn’t have any drugs that I could take, and we couldn’t go to a clinic, so Gerard sold the shoes and went to the pharmacy to buy as much over the counter as he could. And now I’m better!” She was so earnest, so wonderful, that we apologized to Gerard and wished him well.
We never saw him again after that. Don’t know whatever happened to him, but in the end we were glad that we did SOMETHING for him, whether he used it wisely or not. I later “befriended” another homeless man who lived in this weird art sculpture outside my office building. I started bringing him breakfast every morning and when it got cold I made sure he had thick socks and warm gloves, as well as a belt to hold up his pants. He gave me weird vibes, but I still felt it important to do SOMEthing for him.
I agree with you that sometimes you just need to GIVE, even if you don’t like what the people do with it. I loaned $120 to a friend of mine once. She swore she’d pay me back. That was nine years ago and I haven’t seen a dime of it. We’re still friends.
Comment by Jaynee — August 20, 2007 @ August 20, 2007 at 12:50 pm
So, my mom told me one time, “You should never ignore an impulse for kindness, and never regret it either.”
It doesn’t matter if she was scamming you. In the big picture. I know what you are feeling, I have felt it. And $30 is a lot of money. But in the big picture–you responded as you should and YOU are not walking away jaded, too skeptical to care, and feeling guilty that you should have helped–you did the right thing. And, at least it was gas–she can’t go smoke that. Or, can she? I just don’t know anymore these days…
Comment by Nobody — August 20, 2007 @ August 20, 2007 at 4:30 pm
This is a tough question, and one I’ve considered many times. I have a unique perspective (as do you), having spent about a year of my life associating only with homeless beggars. As you know, I always look for data and evidence. Coincidentally the author Stephen Dubner just hosted a panel of economists and experts on his blog to get their take on this issue: http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/08/09/freakonomics-quorum-the-economics-of-street-charity/
In my opinion, the best answer they gave was to rip up your money. It spreads your charity to the most needy people in an equitable fashion. Crazy.
Comment by Ammon — August 20, 2007 @ August 20, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Hello friend:)
I think that you did the right thing. Absolutely did the right thing, because regardless of her intentions, YOURS were right. And maybe she really did need the help.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
xoxo
Comment by Georgia — August 20, 2007 @ August 20, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Just the other day, I gave some loose change to a guy outside Krispy Kreme who said he’d just got out of jail and found his wife with another man.
I don’t know if he was scamming me. Maybe. Probably. My kids said to me in the car on the way home, “Maybe he was lying. Maybe you shouldn’t have given him the money.” I told them, “You should never feel bad about being kind to someone, even if they don’t deserve it.” And I really believe that.
Comment by Skye — August 20, 2007 @ August 20, 2007 at 6:47 pm
I have been a long time lurker… but never posted. However, this post really describes something I have struggled with for a long time. My feeling is that the thing that is most important is how you feel about yourself. It is more important to me that I don’t become a cynical person that it is that I get ripped off. I like the way trusting people feels… even if I am sometime slightly gulliable. I accept that. I think you did the right thing… and you should feel good about yourself for choosing to trust.
Comment by Erika — August 20, 2007 @ August 20, 2007 at 9:07 pm
You did the right thing. If she wasn’t truthfull, well that’s her problem; that’s for her to live with that. There’s no use for you to worry about an act of kindness on your part. Like you said, you put something positive out there.
Comment by Marc André — August 21, 2007 @ August 21, 2007 at 6:19 am
Another way to look at it… if she went through all that trouble to lie to you for $30 in gas, she probably needs some serious help. So you helped her, and you should feel good about that.
Comment by Aaron — August 21, 2007 @ August 21, 2007 at 7:42 am
I think you did the right thing. The thing I’d like to believe that I would have done, too.
Comment by Mandy — August 21, 2007 @ August 21, 2007 at 10:45 am
Based on the way you described her, my guess is that she’s lying to you. She may in fact be in an abusive relationship, but as to whether or not she’ll get out of it? I doubt it. I doubt that she was telling you what was really going on, or that she only had access to $6 to her name… She sounds like someone who’s used to using people, and can work the sob story angle naturally. I’m sorry you were ripped off. Hopefully you’ll remember in the future that while having good intentions is a VERY good thing, you and your family need to come first.
Besides, money works evil in mysterious ways. It may do one better to give kind words and support to those who seem to need it, at least until you know for sure they aren’t just out to get what they feel they’re entitled to.
Comment by Megan — August 21, 2007 @ August 21, 2007 at 9:00 pm
To add to my last post… regardless of whatever the truth was, it was super sweet of you to do that. Giving when you can’t afford to makes it matter more, really — and then, learning not to regret a given gift is an artful skill that does lead to serenity.
Wax on, wax off.
Comment by Megan — August 21, 2007 @ August 21, 2007 at 9:04 pm
I agree….its about your act of kindness…if she was a scammer then its bad karma to her, and id she wasnt a scammer, then you probably made her day and gave her strenth and courage.
Comment by Sarah — August 22, 2007 @ August 22, 2007 at 2:11 am
I think what you did was okay. She WAS missing teeth.
Comment by Stephanie — August 22, 2007 @ August 22, 2007 at 6:49 am
I’ve come across this many times, and I think it’s true that it is important to throw goodness into a sad, tired, bad world, regardless of the results. And I think God will always honor your giving (especially when it hurts) even if the other person chooses to dishonor it. It’s a beautiful thing just to look someone in trouble in the eyes. So many people just look away.
Comment by Rae — August 22, 2007 @ August 22, 2007 at 4:04 pm
I think you did a good thing… you are supposed to do good deads without judging - how she handled the situation is out of your control. Just be proud of yourself and don’t worry about the other stuff. It doesn’t matter.
Comment by Charlise — August 22, 2007 @ August 22, 2007 at 7:06 pm
I just saw this today over at Presentation Zen:
http://www.presentationzen.com/presentationzen/images/2007/08/14/generosity.jpg
Comment by Marc André — August 23, 2007 @ August 23, 2007 at 5:03 am
I think you were kind and true to your instinct to be kind and that is all that matters. Maybe being unsettled because you did something but don’t know if the person was being honest with you is better than being unsettled because you didn’t do anything(?)
Comment by Jennifer (she said) — August 23, 2007 @ August 23, 2007 at 7:42 am
Compassion is seeing someone who needs help and wanting to help them. Mercy is giving someone a second chance even if they don’t deserve it. Do you want to be someone who is compassionate and merciful?
This whole post left a lump in my throat.
I guess I thought I had more to say…
Comment by Missy — August 23, 2007 @ August 23, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Alas, how people take advantage of the kind-hearted, but trudge on with the risk of being seen as gullible, we must
Comment by Eternalle — August 28, 2007 @ August 28, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Been way toooo long since I’ve checked in. I believe you were very kind to a liar. Chalk it up to good karma and know good things will come your way for being kind.
Comment by Manic Mom — September 3, 2007 @ September 3, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Think of KIng Benjamin
You did the right thing, regardless of her deserving status or not. And we are blessed when we give. My reccomendation is that you pray for her with no thought of judgement in mind. Pray that she receieves the help she needs.
Comment by Lou — September 5, 2007 @ September 5, 2007 at 8:00 pm
My father and I were in Paris, a city riddled with beggars, or as Vincent Hugo brilliantly put it, les miserables. As we were strolling the sidewalks, I noticed he gave money to almost every person who asked. Although I consider myself apt to spare some change to the occasional homeless person, I have never given in the manner of generosity I had just witnessed from my father. Out of a mixture of curiousity and contempt (ok, I’ll admit, I’m selfish), peppered with fascination, I asked him why he did this. He told me that when a person succumbs to begging people for money, he/she has sunken to the most degrading level of humanity, a level of humiliation I have not experienced–but for the grace of God. He ended by saying that he/she must need the money more than we do.
I have to assume that what people tells me is the truth, even if I suspect it’s sprinkled with lies. Who am I to judge what’s real and what’s not. You did what you would want someone to do if you were in the situation she told you she was in. You restored good karma into a sad, sad world. You helped her reach her bottom quicker. Unsettled–well put. Unsettled is how I feel when I lose something, rather than knowing exactly what I did with it. That leaves me with a feeling of powerlessness, or in other words, a lack of control. As far as not knowing where next month’s rent is coming from, just remember that God knows what your bills are.
Comment by Maggie — September 17, 2007 @ September 17, 2007 at 8:44 pm
I think her doing what is wrong, if that was the case, does not mar you doing what was right in your heart.
And maybe, just maybe, you did help in the way you thought.
Comment by Karen — December 4, 2007 @ December 4, 2007 at 7:58 pm