I’m reading Emma by Jane Austen at the moment, and this afternoon I came across a passage that took my breath away:

“He had ridden home through the rain; and had walked up directly after dinner, to see how this sweetest and best of all creatures, faultless in spite of all her faults, bore the discovery.”

Oh, to be loved like that. To be, in someone’s eyes, the “sweetest and best of all creatures.” For them to see me as “faultless in spite of all my faults.”

I think I just swooned.

Something interesting happened to me last night at the gas station.

I was filling up my car, when the woman at the pump next to me began to mutter. She was visibly upset; apparently the attendant wasn’t at the window, so she couldn’t pay for her gas. She had six one-dollar bills crumpled in her hand, and she was clearly in some kind of a hurry. She was pacing back and forth, pink pajama pants swishing as she walked, raging quietly at the absent attendant. When she noticed me watching her, she smiled and asked me how I was doing. “Fine,” I told her, “How are you?”

“Horrible. Just horrible. I’m getting out of a bad situation and I need to get out of here before he finds out I left. He’s not beating me anymore. I won’t take it anymore.”

“Good for you!” I said.

“I’ve got six dollars to my name- he took my paycheck last week. I packed some clothes and I left. I have to get out of here before he figures out that I’m gone. Look at this…” She opened her mouth and took out her two bottom teeth. “These aren’t real, he kicked my teeth out six months ago. I’ve got to get out of here. Where’s the attendant? I have to pay for my gas and leave before he finds me! Oh he’s back! Thank god.”

She went and gave him her money, and came back to the pump. She was only able to get two gallons. I felt like I had to do something.

“Look,” I told her. “I don’t have any cash, but I can fill you up on my card. Will that help?”

“Oh my god, thank you so much. Oh, I would have kept my cash. I’m starving. I haven’t eaten all day. We only eat when he wants to eat. He took my paycheck. I would have kept my cash- well, that’s ok. Thank you so much. I’m driving all the way to T—–. He won’t find me there.”

I gave her $30 worth of gas, but I didn’t feel quite right. I didn’t feel like she was being honest with me. But what else could I do? If she was telling the truth, she did need help. I’m not in any position to be throwing money left and right- I don’t even know if I can pay my bills next month- but here was a woman in some kind of trouble, and I had to do something.

As we both drove away from the gas station, she waved at me from her car and headed off towards the highway. I could see her a few cars ahead of me as I drove towards home. But instead of getting on the southbound ramp to go towards T—– she pulled into another gas station. I tried to catch a glimpse of her in my review mirror when I passed by and drove away, but I couldn’t see her. And now I wonder: did I do the right thing? Is it right to reach out, to offer help, if you don’t know for sure that you’re actually helping? If she was lying to me, trying to scam me, is it still right to believe in her and help her? I would have felt terrible if I hadn’t done anything, I know that much. But I’m not at ease with what I did. $30 is a lot of money to give a complete stranger, money I need to feed my children and keep us going, when I may very well have just been scammed and taken advantage of. I like to believe in the goodness of people, but it hurts to think that my goodwill and generosity may very well have come to nothing.

I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t matter what her intentions were at all. Maybe all that matters is that I did something good. I put something positive out there in the world. I believe it’s my responsibility as a human to do that. It’s her responsibility to take that and do something good with it on her end. But if she doesn’t, maybe it doesn’t negate my act of love. I just feel so unsettled. What do you think?

This month’s challenge is “patterns.”

Proving myself to be a true Jane Austen fan, I am hopelessly in love with Mr. Darcy. The haughty pride, the repressed passion, the irresistible quiet charm… He’s the ultimate romantic fantasy of almost every female reader I know. He is perfection. And Miss Austen is the mastermind who brought him to life on the page, the brain behind the witty commentary and beautiful romance that is Pride and Prejudice. Smart, daring, and ever romantic, Jane was a unique woman who has always fascinated me. So when MotherTalk sent out an email looking for bloggers to contribute to their first ever movie blog tour, I absolutely jumped at the chance when I saw that the movie they were going to review was “Becoming Jane,” a fictionalized account of the amazing Miss Austen’s life.

Anne Hathaway plays Jane, the young and spunky aspiring writer who refuses to marry solely for money and convenience, and instead falls deeply in love with a poor (but very handsome) Irishman. True research on Jane’s life has revealed that her relationship with Tom Lefroy was more of a flirtation than a full-blown love affair, but the romanticized version of their affection portrayed in the movie was much more in line with the experiences she gave the characters in her books. There was anticipation, passion, heartbreak, and tragedy; a roller-coaster of emotions that gives the audience some insight into the mind of the great author, and where she drew the inspiration for some of her most famous characters. It has been suggested that Lefroy himself was the real-life spark that caught fire in Jane’s mind, giving birth to the infamous Mr. Darcy.

Like Austen’s novels, this movie was ultimately a love story. Romance and passion abound, but the love goes deeper than that. Like her heroines, the Jane that was portrayed in this film did experience a whirlwind affair, but what makes her special is that Jane, just like her heroines, refuses to settle. She loves a man, yes. But she also loves herself. She knows her potential, she knows her worth, she has her feet firmly planted in reality and she refuses to let anyone make her choices for her. That’s the kind of woman I can relate to- the kind of woman who inspires me to examine my own worth and not let anyone talk me into settling for less than I deserve. For less than I desire. I adore strong women, and Jane Austen is a wonderful example of true female independence. Rock on, sistah friend.

The movie was fantastic folks. Grab some tissues and a girlfriend and go check it out. If you like Jane Austen, you’ll enjoy the film. And if you’ve never been exposed to any of her work before, this is a great introduction for you. But don’t you start getting any ideas about Mr. Darcy. He’s mine.

This month’s challenge is “patterns.”