Somewhere around three in the morning, the night before last, I awoke to the sound of something clicking. A faint little tappity-tap-tap. I was in that hazy place, drifting barely above sleep, hardly conscious but aware of my surroundings. My eyes were closed and I lay there completely still, my limbs weighed down by sleep. The clicking continued- tippity-tap-tippity-tap-tap-tap. I felt a blanket of warm, soft comfort surround me and I breathed deeply, basking in the familiarity of my life. I smiled as I listened to the tapping; the well-known sound of my husband lying in bed next to me, clacking away on his laptop. He was working late again, as usual. The sure knowledge of who and where I was felt so good, so blissful… but I couldn’t quite figure out why I was experiencing such profound relief.

I rolled from my right side over to my left and reached my arms out in the darkness, searching for the warmth of his body next to mine. But the covers next to me lay flat against the bed. The pillow was cold. No one was there. I sat up, confused and frightened, and my fingers fumbled to find the light on my bedside table. As I looked around, squinting against the sudden brightness, I struggled to understand what was happening. Whose house was I in? Certainly not mine. Whose bed was this? I couldn’t remember falling asleep here. Whose cat was that, crunching and rattling the kibble in its dish? Crunch. Tap-tappity-crunch. Tap-tap.

And then, in a wave of sudden understanding that felt almost like nausea, I knew where I was. This was my home. My bed. My cat. My new life. And as the recognition flooded over me, that wonderful warmth and softness was washed away. That feeling of sureness, of safety and bliss, disappeared… leaving behind a harsh and bitter reality. Things are different now. The life I knew so well- a third of my entire existence on this planet- is over. And nothing will ever be the same again.

I switched off the light and lay down again, turning my back to the cold, empty place in the bed beside me. My cat finished eating and jumped up on the bed, curling herself up beneath my chin. The room was quiet except for her deep purr, and the sound of my breath catching as I quietly cried myself back to sleep.

(Now go listen to the soundtrack for this post.)