Getting Jiggly With It
Would I sound like a horribly shallow person if I told you that swimsuit shopping is just as depressing as separating from my husband? Yes? Ok, we’ll just say that swimsuit shopping is not necessarily but may possibly be just as depressing as separating from my husband.
I greatly sympathized with Miss Kerflop’s entry about the sad state of the post-baby body and the desperate search for finding a suit that fits and looks good. I’ve been shopping around for a few months now because my current swimsuit is a hand-me-down from my aunt, and I’ve had it for about five years. That’s sad. But after trying suits on at store after store after store, I’ve come to the realization that the idea of finding a suit that fits and looks good is a ridiculous pipe dream. It will never happen. The suit does not exist. And after seeing my parts jiggle and squish and slide out of flimsy suits under the harsh lights of various dressing rooms, I’m about ready to sign up for some hardcore plastic surgery.
While I was attempting to coax my nonexistent breasts into filling up a cute little halter top in the Target dressing room the other day, I overheard some teenagers on the other side of the wall lamenting about their own swimsuit issues. Although their complaints made me want to go over there and beat some sense into the little twits.
Girl 1: I just can’t find a top that fits! All these suits are just totally too small!
Girl 2: But that one looks cute on you!
Girl 1: Yeah, the bottom fits. It’s a small. But look, the top is an extra large and my boobs are still spilling out!
Girl 2: Yeah, like why can’t they make swimsuits for girls who have real bodies? My boobs would never fit into these tiny things.
Girl 1: I know, I’m a size 2 but that doesn’t mean I don’t have tits!
Grrrrrrrr. Real bodies? Real bodies? Let me give you fillies a little reality check on what a real body looks like. A real body has about six or seven wiggly places that should never, under any circumstances, be seen in the light of day. However, unless one is in the market for a wet suit, one cannot possibly find a swimsuit that will cover those places and flatter a real woman’s body. You, my sweet naive little children, do not have a real body. You have a teenager’s body. And I promise you, unless you die tomorrow that body of yours is only temporary. Come back to me in ten or fifteen years and we can discuss the perils of swimsuit shopping for a real body. Until then, please enjoy this knuckle sandwich.
After many many failed attempts, I did end up finding something today that hides the most heinous parts and pretends to flatter the chestal area. I had to mix and match two sets to make it work, but I think it’ll be ok. I went with this top, although I obviously don’t fill it out quite as well as she does:
And this bottom, and let’s please all imagine my thighs looking that lovely:
I’m ready to hit the beach! If only it would quit raining here and let some summer in.
Cute suit!
We just taught L. that he has to say “curvy” instead of wiggly when he sees my wiggly bits and pieces. I told him all women are lovely and curvy in different places. So then we passed a BIG (400 lbs plus) man on a very small bicycle last weekend and he said in very loud stage whisper… “Oh, there’s a curvy man, too, mom!”
I buy board shorts now. And burqas.
Comment by Misha — May 21, 2007 @ May 21, 2007 at 7:11 pm
Very cute! I’m sure you’ll be adorable in it!
Comment by Jenn — May 21, 2007 @ May 21, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Please forgive me for laughing when I read this! I wasn’t laughing at you, I promise; you just have a talent for amusing descriptions of events! I love your new swimsuit; you have good taste!
Comment by Skye — May 22, 2007 @ May 22, 2007 at 3:41 am
I have a tank suit also, though it doesnt do much for tanning, It keeps my boys from asking about my “squishy” parts!!
Comment by Sara — May 22, 2007 @ May 22, 2007 at 6:32 am
I. Feel. Your. Pain.
Trying to find a cover up the other day in Target I listened to a very similar conversation between two girls that could pass as glossy magazine models. “My thighs! Are so fat! Ew! Look! I can pinch more than an inch, look at that!” Seriously. I wanted to kick their teeth in.
Comment by kerflop — May 22, 2007 @ May 22, 2007 at 7:34 am
I’m a BIG fan of the little mini skirt cover ups. Or any other cover ups for that matter. My badonkadonk does not need to see the light of day thankyouvermuch.
Comment by Kristi — May 22, 2007 @ May 22, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Oh.My.HELL!
You and I share the same pain… I burst into tears the last time I went swim suit shopping… And so far this year I have been wearing shorts and a tank top to the pool… Boo! and UGLY!!!
I have to make a special trip over to Target, as they have cuter suits than Wal*Mart… Bah!
Comment by Georgia — May 22, 2007 @ May 22, 2007 at 5:06 pm
wow..this is very sexy..I hope I could wear like this someday..i hope so…i am chubby and I hope to wear this is have a chance
Michelle
http://chellem.com/
Comment by Michelle — May 25, 2007 @ May 25, 2007 at 7:19 am
Okay, so as someone who USED to have small boobs, I can relate to your issues.
But right now, I hate to say it, but I kind of relate to the teenagers too.
I was trying on dresses the other day, and could not find ANYTHING that fit because if it fit me in the boobs it didn’t fit anywhere else.
So, I am feeling your pain. But in a different way.
Comment by Stephanie — May 25, 2007 @ May 25, 2007 at 10:15 am
hey, i just found you through georgia and i know this post is old… but amen sista! those stinkin’ teenagers do NOT know how good they have it. having my first baby at 19 it was hard for me to see other girls my age, because their bodies were perfect!
and have you seen the commerical for the anti-cellulite lotion (i think it’s lubriderm)? they have a bunch of 15 year old, tall, skinny girls who are displaying that they NOW have no cellulite??? please, cellulite isn’t even an issue for them. show me a group of 45 year old women at chuck-a-rama that have found the same results and i’m on board!
Comment by jenica — June 26, 2007 @ June 26, 2007 at 11:40 am