Hurting
All of you who have been here before- in this terrible place where life as you know it has to end and another one must begin- I need your help. I need to hear that it’s possible to get through this, to not die of a broken heart, and that things can be ok (even better) on the other side. How do you explain divorce to your babies? How do you muster up the strength and courage it takes to walk through it every day?
I don’t know.
I wish I knew.
Comment by Missy — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 11:51 am
I really don’t think there is any good way to deal with divorce when there are children involved. I think the biggest and most important thing you can do is to love them through it, and remain silent as to your feelings about their father to them. After all, even though he won’t be your husband anymore, he will always be their father. And no matter how much mud he may sling to them about you, in the end it will hurt him more if you remain silent in the end. Because in the end, all children see the truth at some point.
I’m here for ya…love you.
Comment by Beth — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 12:37 pm
sorry. i wish i knew too. i do think things always have a way of working out better. even there is so much pain required to get to that better place. keep on breathing. that’s all i can muster up some days. breathing.
Comment by leelee — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 12:50 pm
I don’t have the answer to this. I wish I had something marvelous and useful to say, but I don’t.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo
Comment by Georgia — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 1:05 pm
As the child of a divorce, I think the most important thing is not to ever put blame on anyone in front of the children. Share that you are hurt by the divorce, that you are sorry it has to be the way it is, but resist above all the temptation to throw stones, or even throw them back. Under no circumstances turn the custody issue into a battle, unless there are serious threats to their safety and well-being. It is THEIR best interests that should always be the focus, that is the reason to get up everyday and put out a brave face. They are entitled to all the love and stability they can be given.
I also went through a divorce with my first husband - no children involved, so I only know from the child’s end how it impacts them. However, I can tell you this - my second husband is the love of my life, my true soulmate. I love him madly, and we have been together for almost nine wonderful years - through which we survived infertility and Katrina together. Yes, there is life afterward. And yes, it can get better.
Comment by Robbin — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 1:05 pm
I wish I had some super-duper helpful, soothing and healing advice. Sadly, I do not.
My divorce didn’t involve children - but it was u-g-l-y and not the slightest bit fun for anyone involved. And through all of it, I kept reminding myself that this was a tiny blip on the radar of life. Not that it needed to be minimized, but that, like all wounds, it would heal and in time my life would be my life again.
For me, it was about focusing on the future - my freedom, my new life, the magic I could possibly build for myself - and letting the professionals (lawyers, for example) handle the details as much as possible.
I hope someone has some great advice for the kids - I like the idea of being open and honest (within reason, obviously) and reassuring them a WHOLE LOT that they are still loved, always will be, will always be kept safe, that things will change but you’ll always be there for them - even when things aren’t much fun.
I’m sending a whole whack of strength and good vibes in your direction. It’s not gonna’ be easy, but it WILL get better.
Comment by Violet — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 1:58 pm
If you can, ask for help when you are at the end of your rope and don’t know how you will hang on another moment; ask for help from anywhere and anyone if you find yourself not wanting to hang on another moment.
Even knowing there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes the damn hardest thing for me was not knowing how long the tunnel was going to be and some days really not wanting to have to travel the whole damned thing.
Take your inspiration when and where you can, get all beating yourself up out of your system, and forgive yourself.
I don’t know squat, but maybe some of this will help.
Comment by Karen — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 2:00 pm
I’m so sorry, Karli. I’m such a blundering idiot when it comes to these things, but I’m a good listener if you need one. I also have a shoulder that’s excellent for crying upon.
Comment by kerflop — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Karli dearest….You are so brave to ask for help. Surely that is the first, and most important step. I hope you can find some answers. Since I know you are an avid reader, there are also MANY books written on the subject. But keep reaching out for that friendly advice; human contact and compassion is essential to the soul.
Comment by Bronwen — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 4:16 pm
Karli, You will find courage when you think you have none. You will find stregnth when youre on your knees. You will find faith when you think all odds are against you. and you will find hope when youre there in the dark.
I know this because, the longer I know you, the more I realize there is nothing you can’t do or overcome. After this is all said and done, you will be even more of a stunning, awe-inspiring, gorgeous woman!! And I love you!! XOXOXOXO
Comment by Sara — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Hey Sweetie….
If you remember the divorce of my cousin about 2 years ago,we talked a bit about it, you might be interested to know that she is doing well now, and has had a cute boyfreind for almost a year. I suspect they’ll marry some day. I would also say that at this point (from an outsider’s point of view, of course) her life looks to me better. Not as secure in some ways, but more exciting and probably more personally fufilling. If you want all the gossipy details, I’ll email you.
Not that knowing that will be any great help to you, but I thought it might help somehow. Probably because I kind of suck at helping.
As the child of divorce my biggest suggestion would be not to rip on your ex. My mom did a great job raising me basically alone, but I’ve never really been able to forgive her for the way she put my dad down. My dad did a pretty rotten job of even bothering to visit, but he has never said a bad word about my mom, and that somehow makes up for a lot.
As for pain, you know the drill. Take it (honestly)one day at a time. If you can’t do that, one hour at a time. Someday you’ll be asking yourself “how can I do all of this?”, and you will realize that you already are.
Comment by April — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 7:01 pm
I had no advice on divorce, but I have experienced that place that is so scary, and so unknown, and so hurtful, that you honestly don’t know how you will survive. All I can say is, “Hang on, cry when you need to, rest, write, talk it out with friends, rely on good friends and family you trust, and take it one step, day and minute at a time.
Hug those beautiful girls! And hugs to you, blogfriend!
Comment by Jenn — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 7:37 pm
{{HUGS}} You keep ’showing up’, just as you’ve said in earlier posts….and….let us stand beside you. Hug your babies, sing outloud, read good stuff each night, cry in the shower–or wherever–, talk to safe people, keep walking past the unsympathetic….
Put a pebble in your pocket and know that we are all praying for you, Chrissy
Comment by Cmommy — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Karli-
I stumbled upon your blog through the friend of a friend, and your story touched my heart. I went through a similar situation, a divorce with three children involved. You never get over something like this, but you move beyond it. I have too much to say about this topic, so if you don’t mind I’ll be e-mailing you.
Gwen
Comment by Gwen — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 9:07 pm
Karli, my heart is breaking with yours and even though I am on the fringe of your friendship network, I feel deeply for you as a result of reading your tender thoughts and powerful insights. Chad and I are both children of divorce as well. I would definitely agree with the already expressed ideas of not bad-mouthing the dad (the kids figure out on their own how lame he is or isn’t), and that things can get better. I loved my step-dad so much, it felt like he was my real dad. He treats my mom with so much tenderness and respect even after 23 years. They are great together. They met in an LDS single-parenting class in VA. I think your kids will be fine. I was very young - around 4 yrs old and I think it just was what it was and we adapted. Here’s to adaptation and the resilient human spirit. Much love.
Comment by Marigold — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 9:25 pm
5, 7 & 15 Robbin, Karen and Marigold frickin ROCK! There is hope. Love your children, be brave because at the age they are they will adapt very quickly as long as they don’t have a sense that they should be buying into someone elses sorrow. If you want to you can check this out to put your mind at rest: check up on Piaget’s theories and studies on development. I remember this from my BSc in Psychology.
Perhaps for the good of your children, it is important that your husband also agrees to take this same tact.
Life goes on. If you are happy to be free of the pain your marriage caused you, then enjoy and embrace the freedom that divorce brings and everything it offers.
Comment by Jemima Fish — May 16, 2007 @ May 16, 2007 at 11:44 pm
Karli, you WILL get through this, and you might find yourself surprised at the ways in which your life improves afterwards. If nothing else, you will gain all the wisdom, insight and strength that an experience like this gives a person. Alas, that will be of almost no comfort to you while you are in the midst of this huge upheaval to your life.
My only advice is to keep it together in front of your girls… play with them and have fun, and take advantage of people willing to babysit at times when you can’t hold it together and just need to crumble for a while. And just keep going one day at a time, because the only way out of this is through it.
Comment by Skye — May 17, 2007 @ May 17, 2007 at 3:43 am
My parents divorced when I was 3? 4? I remember it, and the thing I remember most is my ability to really pick up on the way they were acting and feeling. I remember atmospheres and vibes more than actual words or actions. Children are amazing emotional barometers like that. So - and it’s going to be hard - stay as buoyant as you can for them. Argh. I know you feel like staying under the duvet right now.
I have one suggestion I hope is helpful. I expect a lot of memories you have right now are bittersweet or sad memories, because they’re memories of happy times that have turned unhappy now. So, take the kids, go out, and create new memories for the future. Jump in puddles, eat ice-cream somewhere unusual, something you can look back on and say together, that was good, wasn’t it?
I wish I had better words, more useful answers. If I think of any I’ll be right back. Love to you Karli - take care.
Comment by Antonia — May 18, 2007 @ May 18, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Everyone else’s advice is better than mine. Sod staying buoyant for the kids: they’ll see through it. Focus on loving them. Enjoy having that to focus on, instead of thinking about all the shit bits.
My mother never bitched to me about my father, although she hated him, and I really appreciated that and still do, so what others have mentioned here about not ragging on your ex is very good advice. Your children want and need to know that they’re still loved.
Sigh. It can only get better, and it will. x
Comment by Antonia — May 18, 2007 @ May 18, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Karli- I was so amazed at all the love and support. I was recently left by my husband. We have a 3 year old son and I am 6mos pregnant. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is trying to get 50% custody. The pain is killing me and trying to hide that from my son has just been impossible. My son had such a gentle soul and now I feel as if it is ruined. He is withdrawn and screaming NO at me all the time along with hitting. I am so lost and hurt for him even more. I think the pain gets too unbearable, the fact that he is hurting as well. One of the hardest things I have to do is put on a brave face and get my son out of the house to take the attention away. Nothing is working only tantrums in public and I don’t know how or what to do… My heart just breaks. I feel your pain and am hear for your support. MK
Comment by michelle kochan — July 22, 2007 @ July 22, 2007 at 12:58 am