Back when I was fifteen and my parents knew I was doing the drugs, they used to take me in for a urinalysis every few weeks to try and get me to stay clean. Didn’t work of course, but like any user worth their salt I still didn’t want whoever was looking at the results to actually know I was using. One guy I knew brought a ziplock bag of his friend’s pee to the rehab clinic. He kept it tucked into his armpit in order to warm it up to body temperature. I thought he was a genius. The problem was all my friends were users too, and their pee was probably was worse off than mine. But one day an acquaintance mentioned a failsafe method for cleansing your urine: drinking a glass of vinegar. She said it would flush my system so thoroughly that my pee would come out cleaner than holy water. I was fifteen and stupid, so I tried it.

Please. Please promise me you will never, ever do this.

It was one of the single most disgusting experiences of my life. I took a bottle of distilled white vinegar up to my bedroom, poured myself a nice tall glass of the stuff, and chugged. I got through about half the glass before the vomiting started. I tried, really I did, but I couldn’t hold it down. So I raced down the stairs to the bathroom and very loudly puked my guts into the toilet. My mom came rushing in to see what was wrong, and since I honestly thought I was in the process of a very painful death, I confessed what I had done. She called poison control who assured her that I would be fine, as long as I didn’t take any antacids for my stomach pain. Wouldn’t want a vinegar and baking soda effect! I spent the rest of the day feeling like death on toast and haven’t touched vinegar since. Until today.

Two days ago I spent a warm, sunny afternoon hanging out in my neighbor’s backyard, and I came home with one of the worst sunburns I’ve had in a long time. I was doing fine until this morning, when I woke up with the most painful stinging itch all over my skin. I thought I was going to lose my mind. It hurt so freaking bad, but I couldn’t scratch it because that made it all worse. I tried aloe gel which didn’t help at all. I tried some after sun cooling lotion, which made things much worse. Then in desperation I googled something along the lines of help me stingy sunburn owie whining I want my mommy. Maybe I was a bit more specific than that. Anyway, I came across this article. This lady claims that spraying vinegar on your sunburn will take away any pain, burning, stinging, or itching. I was willing to do anything, so I poured some vinegar on a washcloth and gently dabbed my sore skin. And people. It worked. I am sitting here almost completely sting-free and I feel like making out with that woman, wherever she may be, for telling the world about this miracle cure. I may smell like a science experiment, but I’ll take that any day over the crazy making itchiness of this morning.

And vinegar, I’d just like to say how sorry I am for shunning you all these years. You really are amazing. You clean dishwashers, spice up salads, freshen laundry, and cure sunburns. I had you pegged all wrong, buddy. Thanks for taking me back. I promise I’ll never quit you again.