I’m starting to have this flutter, this tiny little feeling flickering at the base of my spine. It’s telling me that maybe- just maybe- I have something worth saying to this big, vast planet. Blogging is good, but I blog for me, not for anyone else. I blog to get me through. But now I’m starting to feel like maybe I have something I can actually contribute. It’s an itty bitty little feeling, fragile as a candle flame, and easily extinguished by those giant winds of shame and self-doubt that whoosh and rattle through my bones. But lately when that small feeling flickers and dies, I’ve found myself fumbling for matches in the dark, determined to get it burning again. It’s something I have to protect and nurture, shield from the harmful forces of myself until it’s strong enough to handle the unpredictable winds of my insecurities.

I signed up for a four week writing course that starts tonight; the quote in the brochure said, “It’s none of your business what you write!” I like that. I like the idea of paving a road in myself for my writing, bypassing all my crazy head tricks and letting it just flow out on its own. I can do that, I think. When I saw Anne Lamott speak a couple weeks ago, she said two things that really stuck with me. She said to space out a lot. As much as possible. And don’t be afraid to screw up big. I can totally do that, the spacing out and the screwing up. So maybe I can do this writing thing, too.