Help Me Rhonda
I’m learning to call people all the time and ask for help, which is about the hardest thing I can think of doing. I’m always suggesting that other people do it, but it really is awful at first.
- Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions
Asking for help really is just about the hardest thing for me to do. When people call and ask if there’s anything they can do, anything at all, I rack my brain trying to think of something small I can ask them to do to humor them, make them feel useful, and get them off my back. “Oh, you know what?” I’ll say. “I’ve really been wanting the recipe for that pie you made a few months ago! I’ve just been craving that pie! If you could email me the recipe, that would just be so wonderful!” They tell me no problem, they email the recipe, and I don’t have to deal with them again for a few days.
I’m starting to lose faith in my ability to deal with other humans. I’ve always known that I’m sort of an odd duck, a bit left of normal, but when I sit down at the computer and actually start up a list of fake excuses to give people when they ask what they can do for me… I don’t know, isn’t that a little worrisome?
The problem is, right now I truly do need help. Real help. Down in the dirt mud up to your elbows help. And I seem to be completely incapable of asking people to help with things I honestly need. Instead I ask them for something stupid and irrelevant. And then I go around berating myself for losing my chance with that person. I can’t ask them for anything else now! I already used them up by asking for their apple pie recipe!
Like I would ever actually make a pie. Jeez oh lou.
*hug*
I do that too.
Comment by Georgia — April 12, 2007 @ April 12, 2007 at 9:23 am
I do that too. Always afraid of asking for ‘too much’, I say everything’s okay and slag through on my own.
Comment by Azul — April 12, 2007 @ April 12, 2007 at 10:54 am
I always feel, ironically, like though I want help (sometimes), I’m too much of a mess to even begin to figure out how to suggest anything they could do. Whether physical (like helping with my house, when I’m moving or whatever: it’s such a disaster I can’t think where to ask them to start), or not…
Comment by falwyn — April 12, 2007 @ April 12, 2007 at 11:23 am
same here. hard to accept the help. i always feel like i’m admitting defeat if i let people help me. but there are times, like now, where you truly could use a helping hand, and its okay to accept that help. no request is too strange as far as i’m concerned! getting over the ackwardness is hard, but so worth it.
besides, the way i see it, karma - she’s always out there waiting - and these times that you let people help you - you will in turn be given a chance to help them.
so take the help! and no more pie recipes!
Comment by leelee — April 12, 2007 @ April 12, 2007 at 11:37 am
Same over here too.
What is it with that??
Comment by Skye — April 12, 2007 @ April 12, 2007 at 11:40 am
i’m a good helper. let me know. i can also make pie.
Comment by Steven — April 12, 2007 @ April 12, 2007 at 11:41 am
Why is it so hard for so many of us? I can’t figure out where it comes from. And, um, I’m too nervous to ask anyone.
Comment by Jenn — April 12, 2007 @ April 12, 2007 at 4:50 pm
P.S. Madness lives here too, leaves coffee rings on our tables. Write me, dearie.
Comment by Jenn — April 12, 2007 @ April 12, 2007 at 4:51 pm
sounds pretty normal to me, not wanting to ask for help and all. it’s a difficult thing to do.
one thing i have done recently is ask a friend to help me get through a rough time just by listening. listen to me babble and she has, with grace and without judgement.
Comment by Nicole — April 13, 2007 @ April 13, 2007 at 6:33 am
I hear you. As a person who has been self-sufficient since I was sixteen, after Katrina I found myself literally dependent on the good will of my friends. I was homeless with nothing, and yet asking for help was the hardest thing I had to do. Harder than the hurricane itself.
Comment by Robbin — April 13, 2007 @ April 13, 2007 at 9:43 am
The hardest thing is in the asking. But then I turn it around and imagine it’s the other person doing the asking, and I know I would jump on a chance to help, if asked, every time.
Comment by karen — April 16, 2007 @ April 16, 2007 at 5:16 am
i need to tell you that any marriage, no matter how far gone,can be healed if both people are will ing work for it. our marriage had infidelity, homosexuality, abuse, neglect, financial problems, and you name it. we also have kids and finally woke up at the brink of divorce.
it took a lot of very hard work and the determination to actually like each other again much more love each other, but we actually did. we began by forgiving, then trying to be nice, appreciating the good, and making sure that we focused on making a safe loving environment for the kids to call home. we respected the other one as “my chld’s” parent and gave them all the rights and priveledges that come with that title.
we followed the advice of friends who told us to treat each other better, use kind words, control our thoughts and mouths at all times.
we both broke off associations with anyone -friend, family, clergy, whoever- was negative to our getting back to “us”, that meant breaking off relationships that were inappropriate or that encouraged us to think negatively about the other persn, or emotionally, physically, whatever about another outside person.
we depended on the other spouse for all of our needs and learned to ask for what we needed point blank instead of making the spouse be a mind reader.
above all job one was making it back together. it has been 5 years since we decided to get back to healthy. we are very very happy. weird not normal happy. it was very hard but worth it.
i am not sure if that is the kind of help you want but i just felt someone has to say it can be done.
Comment by anon — April 20, 2007 @ April 20, 2007 at 8:40 am