My thoughts on the Today Show fiasco
[Before you read this entry, if you haven’t already heard about what happened when Melissa from Suburban Bliss was on the Today show, check out the video, and read up on it here.]
A week or so ago we were putting Babs to bed and dealing with the required nightly whining. “But I’m not tired!” (Giant yawn.) “I’m the kind of girl that doesn’t need to sleep!” (Stumble YAWN stumble.) As always, we read her some books and gave her some kisses and tucked her into bed despite her sleepy protests. I had barely closed the door behind me when I heard her calling me back into her room. Opening the door again I saw that somehow, in the few seconds it took for me to leave her bedside and walk out into the hall, she had taken off all her clothes below the waist, stripped her bed of all covers, toys, and stuffed animals, and peed. Intentionally. When I asked her what the heck she was thinking, she told me, “I thought that if my bed was wet you would let me come sleep with you and Daddy!”
As a mother, you sometimes come across moments where you are at such a loss that you would pay any amount of money to have someone come and get your child through whatever incident transpired while you are somewhere else. Somewhere far, far away. Eating chocolate. A calculated, pre-meditated bed-wetting is unquestionably one of those moments. I do not like cleaning up pee. I do not want to figure out how to explain to her, in a voice that is gentle enough so that she’s not shamed but firm enough that she knows I’m serious, that she cannot control where she sleeps by deciding to pee in her bed. But I have to. I’m her mother. And if I mess it up, I’ll be dealing with repeated episodes of calculated peeing, not to mention the fact that she’ll probably grow up with some kind of peeing complex and cost us thousands of dollars in peeing therapy. (However unlikely that outcome may seem to you non-parents out there, all mothers will tell you that we are constantly overwrought by the thought of how much therapy our children are going to need because of us.)
My point here is that no matter how small, annoying, mundane, or unsavory a task presents itself with our children, not only do we not have a choice whether or not to deal with it, but we aren’t just dealing with it to get through the moment. We are actively parenting during that moment to ensure that our children learn from this experience and use it to grow into a good person. And that, Ms. Viera, is why being a mother is nothing like being a babysitter. How dare you imply that my parenting is worth as much as a fourteen year old’s part time job. Finslippy and Izzymom have both articulated this better than I ever could, both bringing up what I consider to be the core issue here: that mothers are held to an impossibly high standard without ever receiving the respect that should naturally follow from achieving that standard. Why? Because other women are jumping on every opportunity to pick their fellow mothers apart.
I do not drink. And even so, I have absolutely no problem with a mother having a glass of wine at a playgroup, just as I have no problem with a dad indulging in a can of beer as the kids scurry around his feet while he watches the game. I have many reasons for this opinion, but I honestly don’t think that drinking vs. not drinking is what has gotten the internet up in arms about this interview. The fact is, one well-spoken and responsible mother was judged and attacked on national television by two other mothers, just because they don’t agree with her. There were no alternatives offered by Meredith Viera or Dr. Taylor when they gave their opinion that mothers need to find “other ways” to relax and socialize. No solutions were given to something they obviously considered a problem. And I think that’s because the point was not to present a rounded, well-informed piece of news. The point was to judge.
No wonder mothers feel isolated, alone, and unsupported. To become friends with another mother is to risk being cut down by her. And to be honest? I’m not sure I really want the “village” raising my child if the village is full of women like that.
I’m glad to see another recovered alcoholic commenting on Melissa’s appearance. If I could relax with a glass of wine among friends, I’d do it. I can’t so I don’t.
That “interview” was one sided and I believe was a cynical attempt to restart the mythical “mommy wars”. Melissa handled herself beautifully; I would have lost it.
We spend far too much time attacking each other and far too little time focusing on solutions.
Comment by ann adams — January 29, 2007 @ January 29, 2007 at 12:45 pm
I’m glad to see another recovered alcoholic commenting on Melissa’s appearance. If I could relax with a glass of wine among friends, I’d do it. I can’t so I don’t.
That “interview” was one sided and I believe was a cynical attempt to restart the mythical “mommy wars”. Melissa handled herself beautifully; I would have lost it.
We spend far too much time attacking each other and far too little time focusing on solutions.
Comment by ann adams — January 29, 2007 @ January 29, 2007 at 12:46 pm
Sorry - that was my computer having a case of the hiccups. I thought it didn’t post so I hit submit again.
Comment by ann adams — January 29, 2007 @ January 29, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Well said, Karli!!
Comment by Morning Glory — January 29, 2007 @ January 29, 2007 at 2:34 pm
What a great, pointed response. You really explained well why being a mother is nothing LIKE being a babysitter, getting to the very heart of the matter.
Comment by Samantha — January 29, 2007 @ January 29, 2007 at 4:25 pm
I loved your comment (I thought it was at Fussy’s?) and what you said … I left a comment over at this weekend Izzy’s and really liked what she said, too.
It was ludicrous. I agree 100% with what you’ve said here. But I would’ve peed MY pants if that had happened to me! Your patience is immeasurable….
Comment by misha — January 29, 2007 @ January 29, 2007 at 7:31 pm
I don’t think Meredith Vieira was comparing mothering to babysitting. I interpreted the question to mean that if it’s not okay for a babysitter to have a glass of wine while watching children, why is it okay for a parent to have a glass of wine while watching children? I think she made a legitimate point. If I decide that something is to my children’s detriment in one situation, wouldn’t it be to their detriment in every situation?
Comment by jen — January 29, 2007 @ January 29, 2007 at 9:27 pm
My thought over and over while watching Meredith and the Doc make Melissa look like a stupid stay at home mom?
“Yeah, that’s an easy judgement to make when you pay someone else to raise your children.”
Judgemental comment on my part? Sure. But it’s true.
Comment by Karen — January 29, 2007 @ January 29, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Good point!
And Jen, I’m borrowing from comments I’ve read elsewhere (especially over at Suburban Bliss), but the reason it’s not ok for the babysitter to drink on the job is the same reason it’s not ok for anyone to drink on the job. They’re on a job, being paid to be there. When a SAHM gets to “leave work” at 5, and has paid vacations and all that, then she doesn’t get to drink EVER while she’s “at work.” But when you are on duty 24/7/365 for 18 years, sometimes you get to be a grown up.
If I have a really bad cold and take some NyQuil and go to bed after putting my son down for the night, am I a bad mom? Because that stuff will knock me out harder than one glass of wine will!
Comment by KYouell — January 30, 2007 @ January 30, 2007 at 12:54 am
We Moms, need to be more supportive and not judge so much! Cheers!
Comment by Nikki — January 30, 2007 @ January 30, 2007 at 6:06 am
I honestly don’t think she was really attacked. It’s interesting that you are using that word when really all they did was disagree with her and express their point of view eloquently. And the host just asked pointed questions. Isn’t that her job?
When discussing issues like this, you often here, don’t judge me or something similar. But in reality we all have to judge. Not necessarily people, but actions. We have to choose what we want to do and what we don’t want to do. All of us. The woman having the coctail-playdate is doing the same thing as the woman saying we need to find healthier ways to socialize. In fact she was doing more judging as she said she would use this a barometer for friendship. Who’s judgmental?
Comment by Sketchy — January 30, 2007 @ January 30, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Jen: As long as you hold that standard to all instances where parents are with their children (such as no wine with dinner, no beer at a BBQ, or no champagne on holidays) I agree with you. I just don’t think you can judge a mother who drinks one glass of wine without bringing in the other forms of alcohol consumption in families and talking about those as well.
Sketchy: My opinion is so strong on this because there was no actual information provided by Dr. Janet or Meredith Viera. If they were interested in discussing the actual situation, instead of just trying to say how wrong Melissa was, Meredith could have asked questions like, “How is this different from having a glass of wine at a family dinner?” or “Do you think there is a difference between drinking a glass of wine at a playdate and drinking a beer while watching a football game, and if so why?” Dr. Janet could also have given her opinion on SPECIFIC “healthier” alternatives for moms to use to socialize and relax, instead of just flat out condemning one mom’s way.
Comment by momonawire — January 30, 2007 @ January 30, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Why aren’t there any interviews of dad’s who drink beer, watch a game and have the kids running around? Why are we not more pissed that these questions are asked of women, more specifically mothers? How is it possible in 2007 that we still allow this type of double standard to occur? The issue is more than just should mothers drink while there kids are having a play date. I think we should be questioning why this conversation has to happen at all. Just because we are SAHM’s does that make us less responsible, less able to judge our actions? Do we question the working mother who goes out to have a drink or two and then comes home to relieve the nanny? Should she not be allowed around her kids because she has had alcohol?
Comment by KellyA — January 30, 2007 @ January 30, 2007 at 8:51 pm
Why aren’t there any interviews of dad’s who drink beer, watch a game and have the kids running around? Why are we not more pissed that these questions are asked of women, more specifically mothers? How is it possible in 2007 that we still allow this type of double standard to occur? The issue is more than just should mothers drink while there kids are having a play date. I think we should be questioning why this conversation has to happen at all. Just because we are SAHM’s does that make us less responsible, less able to judge our actions? Do we question the working mother who goes out to have a drink or two and then comes home to relieve the nanny? Should she not be allowed around her kids because she has had alcohol?
Comment by KellyA — January 30, 2007 @ January 30, 2007 at 8:51 pm
A Chinese mother is required to consume rice wine and ginger by the buckets the first 30 days after the birth of her baby, called a ‘confinement’ period. This should put things in perspective!
Comment by Jenn — January 30, 2007 @ January 30, 2007 at 11:13 pm
Ok, so like, great post, but I want to know how you responded to your kid’s actions! What ended up happening?
Comment by Karen — February 3, 2007 @ February 3, 2007 at 7:16 pm
First off, I have a 2 year old I have wine on sat. night. movie night at our home. Leave comments here. GAWD.
Comment by mary — March 3, 2007 @ March 3, 2007 at 7:42 pm