how to cope
A few weeks ago, I had an awful nightmare about my friend Angela. In real life, she is a nurse, mom, and recent law school graduate. She’s been super busy the last few years, but has handled all the stress beautifully. In my dream, however… not so much. At first, when I woke up covered in sweat and tangled in the blankets, I couldn’t figure out why my heart was pounding so hard. Then it came back to me, the vivid, awful images causing bile to rise in my throat and my head to swim. It was the kind of dream that stays with you throughout the day, the memory of it resting just behind your conscious daily thoughts. For the next week, images from the dream would pop up in my mind several times a day, each time bringing the same wave of nausea as when I first remembered it.
My therapist could tell there was something on my mind, and she waited patiently, watching me with her calm, intelligent eyes until I was ready to talk. My voice was quiet as I recounted the dream to her. I couldn’t look at her as I spoke, but I told her everything that I remembered- how sleep-deprived Angela was in the dream, confused and irrational. How she was hungry after studying for hours and hours, so she went into the kitchen to make a snack. How she went looking for her son, not finding him anywhere. How she began to panic, realizing something was terribly wrong. How she ended up back in the kitchen, and came across a pile of bones… How the memory of what had happened came to her slowly, as if she herself had been dreaming…
Retelling it was horrid, and I snuck a glance at my therapist to see if she was as disgusted by my mind as I was. But, like every time I feel like I’m crazy enough to be committed, she manages to convince me how normal I am. “You need a break,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“That dream is an indication of how deeply exhausted you are. Tell me, the feeling of sleep deprivation that Angela experienced in the dream, is that familiar to you?”
“Well, I guess,” I said. “I do sleep, but I still feel tired and stressed out all the time.”
“You need a break,” she told me firmly. I knew she was right, but it seemed so hopeless. Being a mother requires me to be on-duty twenty-four hours a day. And yet, there still never seems to be enough time to get everything done. The tasks are bland and monotonous, but they are necessary for the well-being of our family. If I don’t do them, they won’t get done. The responsibility of that is overwhelming. As the days have gotten shorter with the change of the seasons, I have felt my stress levels rise even more. I feel closed in by the dark, damp afternoons. Around 4:30 every day, with both kids tired and cranky and bored and taking it out on me, I start to lose my mind. Productivity goes out the window and the day becomes about simply making it through. Making it until dinner, until Ammon gets home, until bedtime. And then they finally go to bed, but the laundry is still piled up and you could create an entire meal from the crumbs on the carpet and the poor neglected fish is swimming around in a few inches of smelly water… And I just don’t know what to do. How to cope with it all. Throw in a couple of extra stresses like getting dumped by a good friend and preparing for a surgery that doesn’t happen, and that’s when the things I talked about in number 4 on my list start to look really good. Doing drugs, smoking, and cutting myself were indisputably destructive behavior, but I did them because they worked for me. They got me through. But my life evolved and became healthy and fulfilling, and those behaviors no longer became justifiable- even to myself. So, with lots of hard work and starting over and taking things step by step, I stopped. I quit smoking. I got sober. I threw away the razor blades. And I thought I knew what I was doing. But I didn’t account for the days when your two year old hates you, and your four year old hates your two year old, and you’re out of groceries and clean clothes and your husband calls and says he has to work late. Days like that require serious coping, and when you’ve given up your only known methods, all you have left are tears. And let me tell you, crying has gotten really old.
I joked with my husband that it’s pathetic that I have to go so far as having surgery to get a break around here. I was scared of the general anesthesia, but my goodness how I was looking forward to the rest. When the hospital called and told me they had lost power and couldn’t do the surgery, I was so upset. So yesterday I decided to take my therapist’s advice, and give myself a break. I talked to Beth, went online, and bought myself a ticket to go visit her for four days. A plane ticket may be a bit more expensive than a pack of cigarettes and a razor blade, but it’s the only thing I’ve got right now. It will be completely worth it.
You my friend, are a woman of strength.
Perpetually changing and growing and finding new and better ways of coping all the time. I feel your triumph in not cutting, not drinking, not drugging, but instead cutting the financial loss and doing something that gives you an emotional gain that is absolutely priceless.
Keep taking care of yourself mom on a wire, you are worth it.
Comment by krista — December 27, 2006 @ December 27, 2006 at 2:00 pm
I’ve had that feeling before, of wanting to be in a hospital just so I could have a break from being in charge and responsible for everyone. The responsibilities of motherhood really ARE overwhelming sometimes, and require coping skills. I’m not sure what type of coping skills most mothers use, but I suspect that a big one may be giving oneself a break sometimes. Good for you, for doing that. Your therapist is very smart.
Comment by Skye — December 27, 2006 @ December 27, 2006 at 6:24 pm
You deserve this long due break, my girl. Have fun and take LOADS of pics!
Comment by Jenn — December 27, 2006 @ December 27, 2006 at 7:30 pm
When I got to the last few sentences I couldn’t stop smiling. I still am. I am so happy for you. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
still smiling…..
Comment by misha — December 27, 2006 @ December 27, 2006 at 8:35 pm
It is! Enjoy yourself.
And thank you. SO much. for your honesty.. I know exactly how you feel. Tonight, I’m tired too…
Comment by joleen — December 27, 2006 @ December 27, 2006 at 10:13 pm
Wise choice, good friends soothe the soul. And you’ll miss your girls enough to be glad to be back in the monotonity and stress that is motherhood.
Comment by Angela — December 28, 2006 @ December 28, 2006 at 6:19 am
Let’s sleep in…shall we? How about if I make YOU breakfast? How about just sitting and reading a book?? It’s time for Karli pampering! T-minus 2HOURS!!!
Comment by Queen Beth — December 28, 2006 @ December 28, 2006 at 7:54 am
I guess that going to college was the mental “break” for me. It was hard, attending classes and doing homework while raising two small children, but it gave me time away, and allowed me to focus on something else-for me.
Comment by Karli's mom — December 28, 2006 @ December 28, 2006 at 8:52 am
Can’t wait to see you!!!!
Comment by Karen — December 28, 2006 @ December 28, 2006 at 12:36 pm
I am SOOOOO glad to read this. And I have a fair idea how hard this was for you to do. VERY proud.
Comment by Redheadmomma — December 28, 2006 @ December 28, 2006 at 6:20 pm
I have too much to say. I think I just have to buckle down and post on my own blog. I do want to say I’m jealous… or is it envious? Whichever one is happy for and wishes I could take a break too.
Comment by KYouell — December 28, 2006 @ December 28, 2006 at 7:41 pm
Dreams can feel so vivid. I hate it when you know it’s not real but all you can remember are the horrible things that happened and it sticks with you into the day.
Comment by Michelle — December 28, 2006 @ December 28, 2006 at 9:12 pm
wow- those are feelings i can totally relate to but could never have put into words like you did. that 4:30 hour is the longest and most difficult hour of the day. i hope your vacation renews you just like you need it to.
Comment by kari — December 29, 2006 @ December 29, 2006 at 7:03 pm
sometimes i’m floored by how real you are here. but it’s so good and honest and i love that you do it. hope you get the break you deserve and that you’re able to enjoy every minute of it.
Comment by Sarcomical — December 29, 2006 @ December 29, 2006 at 9:43 pm
Karli… I am so very glad you are voicing your needs AND getting them met. Thanks also to A for supporting his life partner’s needs. Every Mum (sorry Mom) deserves a break> A boss in a workplace could never expect you to be at work or on call 24/7 for 5 years!! Enjoy your sleep, reading, conversations and ‘me’ time!
Comment by Bronwen — December 30, 2006 @ December 30, 2006 at 3:34 pm
I hope you had a wonderful break. I am sorry you had to have a terrible dream about me, but whatever it takes to get you out of town, eh!?
I hope all readers will know that my family is safe and sound and I have not actually snapped.
Comment by Angela — December 30, 2006 @ December 30, 2006 at 8:48 pm
Dearest Karli- I am here from Beth’s blog, reading about your visit with her and how strongly she feels about you… and reading this post I can see why. You are so honest and so real… and so beautiful. I know this already about you.
A woman of strength and character and humility- she is hard to find. But now I know I have…
Comment by Regina Clare Jane — January 2, 2007 @ January 2, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Dearest Karli- I am here from Beth’s blog, reading about your visit with her and how strongly she feels about you… and reading this post I can see why. You are so honest and so real… and so beautiful. I know this already about you.
A woman of strength and character and humility- she is hard to find. But now I know I have…
Comment by Regina Clare Jane — January 2, 2007 @ January 2, 2007 at 1:35 pm
I’m blown away and a little speechless. Thank you for writing this.
Comment by Jaime — January 5, 2007 @ January 5, 2007 at 11:53 am