a dose of much needed honesty
I have been blogging for about two years. My archives here go back to January, but before that I blogged as “Eulallia” for almost a year. For safety reasons, there are things that I have chosen not to discuss, and ways in which I have tried to uphold some form of anonymity. I don’t use the names or exact ages of my children, I don’t post photos that show their faces or recognizable landmarks in my neighborhood. I have always felt that the safety of my children and family comes before my desire to talk about them.
But there are other things. Things I haven’t talked about because I wanted you to like me and think I am witty and smart and that I have my life pretty well put together. One of my biggest, hugest fears is that I will do or say something to make someone say, “I knew it. It was just a matter of time before she couldn’t pretend any longer. She messed up again and look at what a failure she is.” I’ve touched on a few of the deeper parts of myself in my posts over the last few months, specifically in this post when I wrote about how I used to cut myself. But there are things I’ve held back in order to make myself look better, and you know what? I’m tired of it. I’m tired of not being able to talk about the yucky side of myself in case you decide it’s too yucky for you. I’m tired of pretending to have things more together than it feels like I do. I don’t have my stupid ducks in a row. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing 95% of the time, and I’m sick to death of pretending that I do.
Here are a few “big issues” that I have been to afraid to talk about here:
1) I left the Mormon church in July.
2) I was raped when I was 15, and I’m still not fully recovered from it. I don’t think I ever will be.
3) I was a drug user during the depths of my depression as a teenager.
4) When I stopped using drugs, smoking, and cutting myself, I was left with no skills to cope with my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes, when things get really hard, I wish desperately that I could go back to doing those things to make the pain go away. The fact that I know I never will can sometimes leave me feeling so lost and unable to cope with life that it takes my breath away.
5) I am angry at so many people in my life, people from my past and my present, who have hurt me or used me or taken me for granted. I am proud of that anger because it is a step in a positive direction, away from self-hatred and despair.
So. I want to be able to talk about those things. And I am sick of worrying that it will make me less appealing in my blog. The truth is, there are hundreds of layers of me. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I’m sad, sometimes I’m frustrated or angry or confused. A lot of the time I have no words to describe my feelings. But I don’t want to hold myself back from talking about it all because I’m worried about what you’ll think. I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think anymore. (Oh yeah- sometimes I swear, too.) Writing is the only reliable way I have of working through my life. This blog is an important outlet for me, and I am hereby taking a sledgehammer to the wall I was hiding behind. Things are going to change around here. And guess what? If you can’t handle it, you can make like a tree.
I can handle it. I understand #4 and #5 very well. I liked you before, I like you still, and I’ll continue to be a reader. The world just wouldn’t turn the same way if all of us were perfect.
Comment by Alaina — December 5, 2006 @ December 5, 2006 at 10:22 pm
I’m all about imperfection. Bring it on.
Comment by Jenn — December 5, 2006 @ December 5, 2006 at 10:43 pm
I
for one
adore you.
And only more so now.
You are my hero.
And I am so blessed to have someone with so much integrity in my life.
xoxoxox
Comment by misha — December 5, 2006 @ December 5, 2006 at 11:40 pm
Good for you, Karli. I can relate to some of the things that you mentioned in this post and like you there are times when I am too scared, ashamed, embarrassed, whatever, to talk about them, in person and on my blog. I applaud your courage, your decision to smash the walls down. Nobody’s perfect and I think that you will reach a lot of people by facing up to these things.
Bravo. Bravo.
Comment by mamatulip — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 5:29 am
I’m currently reading a marlevous book on forgiveness (that starts by saying that forgiving doesn’t mean giving up your rights, or making up with your offender); it talks about the various steps one goes through for true forgiveness. One of them is not denying the anger. Another is talking about it.
There’s a line in a song Lou Reed song that says something like “the one who loved you even though she knew you was wrong.” I’ve done bad things, I’ve been a fraking ass-hole quite a few times in my life (and not too long ago), but when I see my friends, who know about my crap, still being there for me, I know things are gonna be alright.
Comment by Marc André — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 6:31 am
We all pretend to a certain degree, don’t you think? We should all remember the power of the truth.
Comment by Vikki — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 7:09 am
Thank you for your bravery in being honest about this stuff! We all have our stuff. It is just so refreshing to see someone be real about it all. Being honest and real is my favorite thing in a person. I admire you so much. SO MUCH!!!
Comment by julie — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 7:22 am
We should all be so honest! Good for you. Your struggles and triumphs will be inspiration for us all.
Comment by Morning Glory — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 7:32 am
Here’s to finding support, encouragement, and self-discovery through honesty!
I’m proud to call you friend, Karli. So very proud.
Comment by Karen — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 8:00 am
Karli - I’m sorry that you felt that you couldn’t say these things to me before…really there is nothing you could tell that would change my opinion of you. I’m glad that you finally feel ready to talk about these things! We all have some skeletons in our closet and your confidence and honesty is an inspiration!
Comment by Courtney — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 8:11 am
Bring on the layers. I love each one of them.
Comment by Queen Beth — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 8:59 am
Wow–and I was about to delete the bookmark for your blog because it was as saccharine as all the other mom blogs! It’s ok to say these things, and not nearly as shocking as you may think.
Comment by Margaret — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 9:32 am
Good for you! It’s your blog– make it what you need it to be. I’m still reading!
Comment by Melissa — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 10:02 am
I am floored by your courage and your honesty. It’s hard to say those things but it’s so much better than keeping them inside of you where they are so destructive.
Comment by Remi — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 10:55 am
i think its admirable for you to be ready to talk about those things. i think we can all learn from each other. and its nice to know that we’re all human beings - flawed and imperfect - so i say bring on the truth.
i can relate to many of your items on your list. specifically #1, which happened last january for me…
Comment by leelee — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 11:28 am
Congratulations, you are empowered and I am so proud of you for opening up. It’s really hard to manage to everyone else’s expectations. A little over six years ago, I decided to leave the church, and because of pressure and expectations from friends and family, I didn’t disclose it for several years until I was ready to “come out” to them that I was no longer involved in the church. Being true to yourself is the most important thing, and will give you the strength and courage. And what you’ll find, as I did, is that your true friends will love you just as you are.
I started my own blog last June and it has been such a cathartic way for me to express myself and how I feel. No need for you to censor yourself. We embrace the real Karli.
Comment by cheletales — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 12:29 pm
This is so brave and so good, Karli — and you know that there’s a lot of this that I can totally identify with. You rock my face off, and I can’t wait to hang out and have pie and long talks when we’re back in the same area code.
Comment by Lauren — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 12:49 pm
Others have left some very heartfelt comments for your today, and I’d like to echo them. I found your blog and was immediately drawn not to any kind of “perfect” facade, but the reality of what your blog header symbolizes. We’re dressed up and pretty in our dress and dancing shoes, but so many of us are strung up on this wire, high above it all, ready to fall and without a safety net. It’s scary. I will definitely keep coming by, though you should know that I fought hard for my testimony of the Mormon church, and I suppose I feel a little protective of what gets said. Being a convert, though, I know there are a lot of sides to everyone’s experience. My biggest hope is that you feel some relief from having written this post, and especially that you feel the outpouring of love that is so obviously here for you.
Comment by Stacey — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 2:04 pm
I’ve so enjoyed your writing and your online persona thus far. It will be great to read more about the real you. As for all of the shocking revelations you made, there are many of us who have done the same, and will applaud you for having the courage to face the pain.
Comment by Azul — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 2:28 pm
I have been waiting for this. Hugs to you, Karli, I am so proud of you. This step you took just took you to new ground.
SO PROUD
Comment by Redheadmomma — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 7:29 pm
I love you girl! You’re awesome and I’m so glad that you’re writing what you feel. I think you’ll grow more now than ever before.
So proud of you!
Comment by samantha — December 7, 2006 @ December 7, 2006 at 7:36 am
Hooray - a real person!! I will be back to read your blog again. There are too few people out there who are willing to risk rejection by others in order to be their real self, with no facade.
Comment by Skye — December 7, 2006 @ December 7, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Thank you for the honesty. It’s brave and amazing and only makes me want to read more.
Comment by Paige — December 7, 2006 @ December 7, 2006 at 5:35 pm
I know this is the least of the list of untouchables, but…You aren’t Mormon anymore?!? Wowza! Write more about that when you feel like it. Blog or no blog, write about it all. You’ve got skills.
Comment by Angela — December 8, 2006 @ December 8, 2006 at 11:21 pm