I have been blogging for about two years. My archives here go back to January, but before that I blogged as “Eulallia” for almost a year. For safety reasons, there are things that I have chosen not to discuss, and ways in which I have tried to uphold some form of anonymity. I don’t use the names or exact ages of my children, I don’t post photos that show their faces or recognizable landmarks in my neighborhood. I have always felt that the safety of my children and family comes before my desire to talk about them.

But there are other things. Things I haven’t talked about because I wanted you to like me and think I am witty and smart and that I have my life pretty well put together. One of my biggest, hugest fears is that I will do or say something to make someone say, “I knew it. It was just a matter of time before she couldn’t pretend any longer. She messed up again and look at what a failure she is.” I’ve touched on a few of the deeper parts of myself in my posts over the last few months, specifically in this post when I wrote about how I used to cut myself. But there are things I’ve held back in order to make myself look better, and you know what? I’m tired of it. I’m tired of not being able to talk about the yucky side of myself in case you decide it’s too yucky for you. I’m tired of pretending to have things more together than it feels like I do. I don’t have my stupid ducks in a row. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing 95% of the time, and I’m sick to death of pretending that I do.

Here are a few “big issues” that I have been to afraid to talk about here:

1) I left the Mormon church in July.
2) I was raped when I was 15, and I’m still not fully recovered from it. I don’t think I ever will be.
3) I was a drug user during the depths of my depression as a teenager.
4) When I stopped using drugs, smoking, and cutting myself, I was left with no skills to cope with my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes, when things get really hard, I wish desperately that I could go back to doing those things to make the pain go away. The fact that I know I never will can sometimes leave me feeling so lost and unable to cope with life that it takes my breath away.
5) I am angry at so many people in my life, people from my past and my present, who have hurt me or used me or taken me for granted. I am proud of that anger because it is a step in a positive direction, away from self-hatred and despair.

So. I want to be able to talk about those things. And I am sick of worrying that it will make me less appealing in my blog. The truth is, there are hundreds of layers of me. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I’m sad, sometimes I’m frustrated or angry or confused. A lot of the time I have no words to describe my feelings. But I don’t want to hold myself back from talking about it all because I’m worried about what you’ll think. I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think anymore. (Oh yeah- sometimes I swear, too.) Writing is the only reliable way I have of working through my life. This blog is an important outlet for me, and I am hereby taking a sledgehammer to the wall I was hiding behind. Things are going to change around here. And guess what? If you can’t handle it, you can make like a tree.

My photo is being used over at Her Majesty’s Throne for this week’s Tuesday Guess It. Click on the image to go guess!