I know, it’s Monday, not Tuesday. But this was ready to go and I don’t have anything else to post, so I figured you’d let it slide just this once. This month’s SPC theme is “red“. I LOVE this theme, it’s going to be so fun. This morning, in preparation for this photo, I went to Target and bought my very first tube of red lipstick.

Very. First.

I came home and sent a quick message to Misha:

“I bought red lipstick today. I’ve never worn red lipstick . I’m scared.”

Red lipstick. I suppose I’ve just never felt like I could really pull it off. Red lips are so womanly. So seductive and glamorous. So “red carpet”. When your lips are red, you want to be seen and noticed. Sadly, I’ve perfected the art of fading quietly into the background. Having my face or body noticed is deeply deeply terrifying to me. Left over scars from years ago, when you seeing me meant you were planning on hurting me. But I’ve healed so much, and the new desire to be seen and noticed and appreciated keeps prickling at the corners of my consciousness. Last week I bought myself a sexy little black cocktail dress. And this morning I purchased some red lipstick.

Awhile ago, Michelle posted a self portrait that has really stuck with me. She wrote about the disconnect she sometimes feels between the woman she shows to the world, and the woman inside her that wants something more. In a follow-up post the next day, she wrote, “She is also the reason that last weekend I bought myself some bright red lipstick. She wanted that too. I’m not wearing it to the office but I am wearing it around the house (and in yesterday’s self portrait.) I’m am learning that what she wants is very often what I want but am afraid to admit.”

I feel that way now. There’s someone exciting inside me who has hidden herself for far too long. I think she’s beginning to break free.

See more self portraits here.