i’ll take that cruise now, please
Every once in a while, Ammon and I will get into a discussion about whose job is harder. He always talks about how lucky I am to spend so much time with the kids, and that I don’t have to worry about making enough money to support the family. I bring up the fact that his job doesn’t include people hanging on his legs while he goes to the bathroom or throwing chicken nuggets at his head and screaming incoherently. His boss always tells him what a great job he’s doing. In fact, a couple of months ago he even got a raise and a promotion. My bosses like to show their appreciation by splashing me in the face with bath water and taking turns waking up before dawn.
I would kill for the kind of work environment he has. Can you imagine? He gets to eat lunch whenever he wants, without first taking orders from tiny irrational people who yell at you when you refuse to give them ice cream. He gets to spend time talking to people about interesting, intelligent subjects instead of asking them if they have to go potty or explaining the various alternatives for cleaning one’s nose other than picking it. I suppose that’s the very nature of being a mother. It’s a job filled with mundane, repetitive tasks, severe under appreciation, and no breaks. None whatsoever. I work seven days a week, on call twenty-four hours a day, and I don’t even bring home minimum wage.
So why in the world do I feel guilty about wanting to get away from it all?
It’s not like I’m asking for a month long cruise in the Bahamas (although hey, if anyone is offering, I’ll totally take you up on it!) I just need a night to myself once in a while. Maybe a weekend without any responsibilities. A few hours to go shopping alone so I can actually look at the merchandise instead of chasing two crazed little monkeys all over the store. But when I admit those needs to myself, I am always suddenly filled with shame and guilt. I mean, what kind of mother would want to get away from her precious babies, the people she loves most in the whole entire world? It feels like some kind of failure, like I just can’t take the heat. And as much as my head tells me that I’ll never be able to take care of anyone else unless I take care of myself first, I still can’t escape the whisper that crawls up my spine telling me what a terrible mother I am for wanting to get the heck out of here.
There are times when my kids just fill my heart with pride and pleasure. First of all, they are the cutest kids on the planet, and even when they’re grumpy they look beautiful. And sometimes I get a glimpse of what’s going on inside their sweet little heads, and I just can’t believe that I am the one they call their mommy. We went trick or treating at Ammon’s office on Halloween, and Babs was in sugar heaven. Most of the employees had already gone home, so the long hallways were lined with bowls of candy sitting outside empty offices. As she filled her bag, Babs looked up with this darling little mischievous look on her face and said, “It’s like stealing, and saying trick or treat!” Seriously. Who would not want to hang out with a kid who comes up with stuff like that?
I know that those cute moments are always sandwiched between moments of limit pushing and selective hearing, but again I hear that whisper telling me that if I was a “good mother”, the happy times would be enough to slide me effortlessly through those not so happy times. It’s not true of course, and it’s a stupid, irrational thought. I just have to figure out how to stop listening to it.
“what kind of mother would want to get away from her precious babies, the people she loves most in the whole entire world?”
I’d say a normal, human being type of Mother. We’ve all been there, Karli, and even when they’re grown, you sometimes wonder what life would have been like without the difficult times. Then you know that you wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. So there’s nothing to beat yourself up about. Mothering little children is so hard and everyone needs time off now and then. Hang on.
Comment by Morning Glory — November 2, 2006 @ November 2, 2006 at 4:26 pm
Oh, do I hear you. I get the added guilt of a boy with Down syndrome. I mean, does he know he’s testing me? How can I be sure? And how could I want an hour/day/week/month off from that sweet boy that likes to give me kisses? Oh, do I hear you.
Comment by KYouell — November 2, 2006 @ November 2, 2006 at 4:43 pm
Not enough people recognize that full-time caregiving is such a high-intensity job, with punishing hours (albeit with great love and great rewards–blah blah). If people really understood this, you would not have to sit there feeling guilty about needing a break. Not that you sit much, of course.
Comment by madhousewife — November 2, 2006 @ November 2, 2006 at 5:26 pm
I didn’t go on a girls’ night out until recently. And I certainly don’t go often enough. As much as I love it and feel like I’m “over” feeling guilty, I’ll drive away from the house with a tear in my eye, or speed home certain the house has burned down in my absence.
Comment by kerflop — November 2, 2006 @ November 2, 2006 at 5:47 pm
I always take one night a week and go do something completely by myself. It is usually just for a couple hours and my kids get some one-on-one time with their dad. I know this might not be possible in every situation, but even once or twice a month really helps. My husband knows it makes me a happier person and keeps me from losing my mind. Sometimes, I just go to the library and read magazines that I would never buy, go shopping, visit a friend, or go to a movie. It helps me to regroup. Don’t feel guilty. You are a wonderful mother and the way you feel is completely normal. Being a mother is hard work and hands down the hardest job that I have ever had. Though my husband loves our children more than anything, he freely admits he would rather go to work.:)
Comment by Carrie — November 2, 2006 @ November 2, 2006 at 7:43 pm
My grandmother-in-law used to say, “You can pay for the baby-sitter now or the marriage counselor later.” We all need that time off, but I’m always glad to come home to my little ones, and secretly disappointed that they are sleeping and I won’t feel those litle arms around my neck until morning.
Comment by Mom2Six — November 2, 2006 @ November 2, 2006 at 7:45 pm
You are not alone.
Comment by Karen — November 2, 2006 @ November 2, 2006 at 7:55 pm
For me it comes down to respecting myself, and the job I do and realizing that it is hard work, and I do need time off. I rarely get it, but I’m past feeling guilty about needing it or wanting it or demanding it some times from my spouse even though I know he works hard too. He gets down time from that, I don’t.
I’ve realized as my kids get older and I begin to verbalize what it is about certain things that upset me is that I am not the maid, or chef, I am the mother, and I gladly do things for them, and they will be respectful of the work I do and grateful. Saying thank-you mom, my two-year-old does this, and not dumping everything on the floor with the assumption that I will pick up after them later on. And in my husband’s case not leaving a pile of dirty socks for me to trip on next to the dining room table. The point is that when I respect my job enough to expect respect from my family, it’s a little bit easier to deal with the never endingness of it all, and I don’t feel guilty about taking breaks and expecting help.
Comment by carrien — November 3, 2006 @ November 3, 2006 at 1:17 pm
I have 7 children and by now I absolutely take JOY in my breaks away! I have no guilt about leaving them, lol. I need to be a person, not just “mom.” It makes for a better marraige to keep in touch with yourself. I don’t feel guilty about dating my hubby, either.
Every mom needs time away, and guilt should never be a part of that. Our husbands get to take vacations from their jobs, a night out is our vacation, because family vacations are still work for us.
You deserve a vacation with no guilt!
Comment by qtpies7 — January 16, 2007 @ January 16, 2007 at 2:20 pm