Blue Skies
The skies are gray
And the rain falls in sync
With my teardrops.
The clouds imitate my heart
And their sorrow drips through the cracks,
Raining down on my life.
Bending from the weight of despair,
Flowers bow their heads and
Let their petals fall,
As my dreams have already fallen.
I watch my hopes wash away
In the flow of sadness, and
I think about the way things would have been.
SHOULD have been.
Where are my blue skies?
An attempt to explain my need for self-harm:
Rapture
A solitary tear finds its way across my cheek.
Instinctively the blade begins
to pierce, tear, cut my skin.
As the first quivering droplets begin to form,
I feel a caressing comfort.
Soon a cold stream draws a crimson trail
down the length of my arm.
Gorgeous rubies drip from my fingertips.
I lust for its innocently sinful redness
(the birthplace of roses)
And my life’s blood drains as
my pain is soothed…
Eventually subsided…
With only damp eyelashes and
smears of cleanliness left in its wake.
This one’s about a boy I knew who died:
Murdered-
Such a hideous word.
Killed-
Such an unfair explanation.
An innocent boy
Guilty of mistake.
Such an evil world.
The confusing
Contemplation of
death
Frightens me,
And I grieve
Over the memory
Of my lost friend.
Earth-
Such a hideous word.
Violence-
Such an unfair explanation.
Mosquito
i’m your nervous twitch
the scratch that just won’t heal.
smother me with antiseptic.
i’m the bug bite on your elbow
the clouds in your vast blue sky.
tell the weatherman he was wrong.
i’m the blister on your heel
a papercut on your tongue.
easily avoidable, easily forgotten.
you’ll love me accidentally
as you trip and scrape your knee.
i’m the voice you’ll never hear.
burned toast-
rotten apple-
the frostbite on your toes.
if you don’t think, you can’t remember
but I’ll always be there to annoy;
too insane.
i’m your nervous twitch.
I’ve decided to post some of the poems I found while looking through my old journal. They are, for the most part, extremely dark. But I needed to be heard back then, and no one would listen. I have the opportunity to use my blog now as a voice for my former self, and it’s something I feel that I need to do.
I never dated anything, so I don’t know what year some of these poems were written, but I ranged in age from 13 to 16. Starting off easy, here’s one of the more lighthearted poems:
Angel
I dreamt I was floating
on stardust…
As I wandered through paradise,
the moon whispered in my ear.
He told me secrets of love,
recipes for happiness.
Kissed by the wind, I flew through time…
Mother nature wrapped me in beauty
and I could see the eyes of god.
White and flowing,
my angel appeared.
And as he smiled, I felt
the sun flowing through my veins.
And as he held me, I smelled
the air of Heaven.
And as I wept, my stardust angel-
my moon,
my Heaven-
kissed me…
oh so tenderly…
and took me by the hand.
I followed him through an open door
to a universe changed forever.
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