self portrait tuesday: transparent
A line from a poem I wrote in ninth grade came to me today, out of nowhere. I dug out my old journal and flipped through the pages, trying to find it. I couldn’t remember anything other than that one phrase: I alone in a roomful of voices. And I remember that I cried when I wrote it. I looked through pages upon pages of words that overflowed with heartache. It brought back the memory of how painful it was back then to just wake up every day and know I had to go on. My life was hollow. I was broken into a thousand pieces and so damn alone.
Since loneliness was the only feeling I could clearly articulate during those years when I was supposed to be creating the definition of myself, the conclusions I ended up drawing were debilitating. In order to understand why my life was so cold and dark, the only explanation I could come up with was that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. That I was so strange or broken or defective that I literally repelled people without realizing what I was doing. It was the only thing that made sense. For years, that was my definition of myself. And I lived here in this world without feeling real… a shadow of a person. Transparent.
Oh, how that breaks my heart.
I wish that I could reach back in time and send love to that girl who needed it so desperately. I wish I could reach forward ten years from now and borrow strength from the woman I will become. I wish I could see my life through the eyes of my ninety year old self and bask in the understanding she has of it all.
I was never able to find that poem. But it’s clear to me that I am slowly healing, and healing has given me solidity. It’s an amazing thing to walk down the street and feel like people are actually seeing me, instead of just looking right through me. I feel like I almost belong here now. And I know that someday I will wake up and I will finally feel whole.
More self portraits here.
Gorgeous photo and words.
Comment by kristen — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 3:16 am
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Comment by Brooke — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 6:48 am
Looking at you now, one could never see the pain you went through.
You are gorgeous, cool and …should really think about becoming a writer!
Comment by Jenn — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 7:46 am
you have a God-given gift…your sufferings of the past are so clearly not in vain…nor are the current ones…
Your photography along side your eloquence is unmatched in my mind.
Comment by Tam — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 8:45 am
this is my favorite of all the posts you have ever written. You are whole in my eyes. Beyond whole, in fact.
Comment by Redheadmomma — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 9:04 am
Dude, I wish that I had been the older sister. Then maybe I’d have been able to help you…
Comment by Megan — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 9:32 am
Wonderfully thought-provoking post and the photo is disturbingly fascinating.
Comment by DebR — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 9:46 am
absolutely beautify photograph. I can really relate to your post. Sometimes I wish I could tell my younger self that everything will be ok.
Comment by uber mer — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 10:01 am
Love the photograph! Great idea!
Comment by Jeremy Stockwell — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 11:22 am
I can relate to everything you wrote about in this post…the feeling of not belonging, of gaining strength, of knowing when you are 90 you will be even stronger. I love the photo too. So well done.
Comment by Melba — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 11:24 am
Amazing and lovely. Thank you.
Comment by falwyn — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 12:40 pm
((sigh)) I just love how you express yourself. It’s like I can get inside your emotions and feel them too. You’re amazing.
Comment by Queen Beth — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 12:40 pm
That is hauntingly beautiful! My fave
Comment by Kim — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 2:52 pm
Your photo is gorgeous. I remember writing a similar poem my freshman year of college. Feeling like people were looking through me and not seeing me. So I found myself trying to act wilder to draw, write with more adjectives and generally lay it on thicker in the attempt to be noticed. Validated. I got over it, too but I remember how hard it was then. Isn’t it sad when we are in that place we feel so alone? When in reality every other kid in the classroom probably feels the same way.
Comment by Rachel — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 3:43 pm
I think so many of us felt *And still feel* that way. I think it is just a suckasuckaSUCK time of life for a lot of people.
Comment by loralee — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 4:09 pm
Wow, amazing camera work! I’m glad you reached back and loved that girl
Comment by Tammy — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 4:14 pm
That was beautiful. thank you for sharing.
Comment by Georgia — October 10, 2006 @ October 10, 2006 at 4:35 pm
beautiful post, your story really touched me - sometimes i feel like younger you…thank you for sharing!
Comment by Vedrana — October 11, 2006 @ October 11, 2006 at 12:04 am
Wow, this is so beautiful and strong.
Comment by Lina — October 11, 2006 @ October 11, 2006 at 7:20 am
A gripping photo along with a recollection of such a raw, painful time in your life. Extremely well-done.
Comment by Bedazzzled1 — October 11, 2006 @ October 11, 2006 at 8:08 am
HOW did you capture that photo?! Wow!
I just read all the poems and I hurt for the younger you….please know that the courage you’ve shown here and the brilliant way you are using words and pictures are helping people in ways that can’t be measured. I’m blessed to ‘know’ you. {}Chrissy
Comment by Cmommy — October 12, 2006 @ October 12, 2006 at 7:22 pm
great shot. nice post
Comment by BZ — October 15, 2006 @ October 15, 2006 at 2:26 am