to enjoy the journey
Most of my big, life-changing epiphanies seem to come to me as I’m lying in bed at night, just about to drift off. I’ll be snuggled up warm and cozy next to my husband, my brain in that fuzzily incoherent state that means sleep is just around the corner, when someone suddenly turns a light on inside my head. Everything that was dark and muffled is abruptly in sharp focus, and my thoughts are clear and distinct. Sleep is no longer an option. I have learned over the years that it’s useless to try to ignore whatever thought or idea has burst into my head, because it demands attention at the forefront of my mind until I have thought about it enough to remember it in the morning.
Last night’s epiphany can’t really be classified as life-changing, but it certainly wasn’t something I was expecting. Moments away from the peaceful release of unconsciousness, the brain-light came on and I realized that it was important to find another ballet school for the girls to go to. Wide awake now and utterly confused, I sat up in bed to try and figure out where the heck that came from.
Until last night, I had been very pleased with the dance school we’ve been going to. Their teacher is energetic and talented, and she keeps the kids interested and excited about what is happening in class. Both Babs and Zibbit can barely wait until Ballet Day, and ask me repeatedly during the week if it’s time to go to dance class yet. So why was it suddenly so clear to me that this is not the right place for them to be? Searching the darkness of my room for some kind of answer, a conversation I had with Babs replayed itself in my mind. We had been talking about how her ballet class was going, and trying to remember all the steps to the routine she was learning. As we talked our way through the routine (star-star-hip-hip-pivot-pivot-knee!) Babs mentioned that her teacher goes too fast. At the time I thought that she was just confused about all the different steps, and I resolved to practice with her a few times before the next class so she could feel more confident. But thinking about it again, I realized that her teacher does go too fast. And with twelve girls in the forty-five minute class, there doesn’t seem to be enough time for each child to fully grasp each technique before they are moving on to whatever comes next.
Then something else occurred to me: they’ve been spending so much time on the routine for December’s recital that they’re not learning much actual ballet. I understand that it is important to the teacher for the kids to stand up there on the stage come December, all lined up in their adorable little tutus and dancing in synch, but you know what? I don’t care about that. It’s not important to me to spend forty bucks on a sequined tutu and watch my daughter dance in front of an audience for two minutes. What I care about is whether or not all of the classes leading up to that moment on stage have been enjoyable for her. What is important is if she has really learned something that interests her, rather than come to class week after week and having the steps pounded into her head for a routine she will never perform again. I am not paying for Babs to perform for me, I am paying for her to enjoy an experience she can build on and grow from.
This is a familiar situation for our family- last year, we made the decision to pull Babs out of the highly lauded Christian preschool she was attending and join a co-op school instead. The teacher at the Christian school was extremely intelligent with decades of teaching experience. The room was bright and colorful with rows of perfect art projects lining the walls. It was exactly like the preschool I had envisioned her going to, and I had enrolled her there with enthusiasm. As it turned out, Babs hated it. She was terrified of her teacher, whose technique for dealing with crying children was to look them in the eyes while firmly telling them to “stop crying”. Every moment in class was structured and supervised with no sympathy for my sweet little girl who just wanted some time with the box of ponies in the animal corner. When she began bringing home immaculate crafts with her name on them that she had obviously never touched, we decided that this was not the place for our family. I couldn’t delude myself that these perfect crafts proved that she was learning so much about spiders and squirrels and autumn leaves when she was clearly not enjoying her time there. Her new school is the polar opposite; tons of free time for exploration and discovery, class projects done with excited participation from all of the children, and a darling teacher who is tuned in to each of the kids’ individual needs and strives to make them all feel safe and loved. Babs may not be filling the fridge at home with perfect preschool art, but she enjoys the experience of school. To me, that is so much more important.
So today I’ll begin my search for a new ballet school. Maybe I can find a small studio somewhere that doesn’t care about the end result so much, as long as their students are enjoying the experience of learning how to dance. It is becoming glaringly apparent to me that in this society that advocates the appearance of having it all, it’s going to be difficult to raise my children to enjoy the journey, embracing life’s ups and downs without anticipating what they’re going to “get” for it when it’s all over.
I love this post.
Comment by Bethany — September 27, 2006 @ September 27, 2006 at 10:21 am
What a great post, Karli. One of the gifts that Noah has given me is that I have early experience with being very in-tune to exactly who and what will work with my kid. This experience and confidence is invaluable when I deal with anyone and everyone who will come into contact with my kids for these formative years. It is truly a gift, because I know that our family is the consumer; our family is the decider; WE decide what is a right fit, and what is a wrong fit. Your kiddos are so very lucky that you are SO tuned into what really matters - you are making incredibly smart decisions for your children. You are an amazing, amazing mother.
Comment by Redheadmomma — September 27, 2006 @ September 27, 2006 at 10:23 am
Everybody wants their kids to be exceptional these days. I guess that’s a normal thing to want… want your kid to do the best, be the best, be way ahead of the learning curve - everything to demonstrate how good they are… their performance has to be perfect..
But that’s stupid. You’ve got to be a kid first before ever becoming an adult. You rock, K, for not pushing and expecting absolute perfection, but for giving a damn about what’s real.
Comment by Megan — September 27, 2006 @ September 27, 2006 at 10:59 am
They’re “little” children for such a short time in their lives, and to be able to understand the need for them to enjoy these years is such an achievement on your part. Good for you!
Comment by Morning Glory — September 27, 2006 @ September 27, 2006 at 11:28 am
I totally understand the whole “anti-recital” thing! My when my 2 boys were 12 & 9 (now 32 & 29) they took dance. They were involved in community children’s theatre for a few years and they needed to know how to dance. They loved the tap & jazz classes. They were the only boys in this little dance studio world, and the dance teacher was thrilled to have BOYS! The first recital went well - they had their little sparkley tuxedo-look pants and jackets and they did a great job. Over the next year older son got really quite good - especially at tap and younger son wasn’t far behind. The 2nd recital came up and they all practiced for their portion. Then the girls (12 in the group) decided that the group would all wear red unitards for one of their numbers. Cute - right? Uh - even the boys? Oh yes!! WRONG - older son was tall and skinny, younger was shorter and although not fat, was a tad rounder. They took one look at those red unitards and shouted a resounding NO WAY!! They would go for black pants and a red shirt, but not the waaay too revealing unitard! Dumb teacher - she said unitard or you don’t dance, thinking of course that the fear of not participating would force them into red. Well - that was the end of dance classes! She called and called - said the whole number was built around my 2 guys! But she would not relent on the red unitard for them. Oh well!! What they loved was the dancing - they could not have cared less about the recital! By the way - at 32 older son still does a perfect time-step!!
I hope you can find someplace that will just let them dance without the pressure of recitals til they are ready for them!
Comment by Grandi — September 27, 2006 @ September 27, 2006 at 11:30 am
So true, girl. I took piano lessons for six yrs. I hated them coz but I loved playing the piano.
The moment I quit, I actually played more coz I could play whatever I wanted, however I wanted, without the pressure of passing exams and getting better so I don’t get my fingers rapped the next lesson. I cld play songs I wanted to learn instead of scales and reverse scales and back-to-back Mozart and Schubert, on speed.
HATED it.
I am getting a piano once i make my first million writing that book. LOL.
Comment by Jenn — September 27, 2006 @ September 27, 2006 at 5:57 pm
What an awesome mom you are! This is my favorite: I am not paying for Babs to perform for me, I am paying for her to enjoy an experience she can build on and grow from.
Comment by ABC Momma — September 27, 2006 @ September 27, 2006 at 8:07 pm
What an attentive and loving Mum you are! If even half of all parents out there paid as much attention to the child not only gaining knowledge but enjoying it along the way we’d have WAY less issues as adults!
These small changes (or big ones) you make for your lovelies are speaking volumes to them…they are learning to be aware and tuned into others because you are with them!
Comment by Tam — September 27, 2006 @ September 27, 2006 at 8:41 pm
You know, my mom made parenting decisions based on her “epiphanies” and looking back, I can’t thing of one other single thing that made as much of a difference in my life as that did. Your daughters are very blessed that you don’t try to sleep through the “bright lights”. And, I hate how cliche the word “blessed” has become—but it really is the word I mean.
You are wise to listen to the little things your daugther says, even if the more obvious part is she loves going.
I hope I can be as in tune to my children’s needs as they grow older and the needs become more varied. Thanks for sharing this
Comment by Angela — September 28, 2006 @ September 28, 2006 at 6:33 am
This is a great post, I wish I could print it everywhere for parents to learn from!
When #3 was in ballet class she began to excell. She caught on quickly and being teenyteeny tiny she got tons of attention. Her first teacher thought it would be great to put this little thing on point; she could be a star, and everyone would ooh and ahh. The studio would get good press.
We pulled her out fast. In her second studio again she excelled. The teacher consulted with the owner as to how to train her best. She was placed in different classes and held back from point (and other positions)-as were all the other students- until bone structure, strength, poster and body allignment, and actual age met up with her ability. Injury was on the forefront of the owners thinking. Recitals are nice, but ruining a future body or career is irreversable.
Comment by s'mee — September 28, 2006 @ September 28, 2006 at 6:59 am
I’m just shocked at what they were having to learn. Kezi’s sum total learning curve was listening well, hopping, free dance, some dance twirls etc….at their recital last Christmas they did some cute little “moves” across the stage and that was about it.
Kezi asked to leave the class because she was bored and was “feeling tired with not learning new things.”
Maybe we should teach or own class?!
You are a stellar mama!!
Comment by misha — September 28, 2006 @ September 28, 2006 at 7:08 am
This is great!
Comment by Anna — September 28, 2006 @ September 28, 2006 at 7:53 am
If you lived here near me I’d recommend a studio for you! The one I attended as a child (for 15 years of dance!) placed the emphasis on fun. If your school work suffered, you were told to cut back on dance! Recitals were also big, but at least half the class time was technique, more for younger students.
My four-year-old now loves dance, but I don’t even have her at a dance studio–just the fun pre-ballet the city offers for preschoolers. She has a fantastic teacher, and never a recital–just parents viewing a typical class the last day. When she is old enough to really grasp dancing/coordination and such, maybe we will move her to a studio. For now, the city classes are much less expensive, and lots of fun!
Comment by Mom2Five — September 28, 2006 @ September 28, 2006 at 10:53 am
This is just Mom2Five again–changing my name.
Comment by Mom2Six — September 28, 2006 @ September 28, 2006 at 10:55 am
I love this post.
I, too, have the epiphanies at night and have to backtrack to see where they came from.
My youngest attends the ballet school you’re looking for - I just love it. There are no photos, no costumes to purchase, the whole school presents a ballet (music from the original ballet and similar choreography). There’s an emphasis on learning more than just the recital steps. The owner sews all the costumes with help from some parents. Although it’s my daughter’s first year I can see that she enjoys it.
Comment by Renee — September 28, 2006 @ September 28, 2006 at 12:31 pm
You are so dead on girl. I love that you follow your instincts. You’re such a great Mommy and your daughters are going to be such happy, well adjusted people because you are so in tune to them and their needs!
Comment by Queen Beth — September 28, 2006 @ September 28, 2006 at 3:01 pm
You know what? I think that is what your funk has been for the past few days that you mentioned. You were leading up to this epiphany moment.
I’m glad you go with your gut feelings. Mothers’ gut feelings are usually dead right.
Do what is right for YOUR family.
Comment by Nina — September 28, 2006 @ September 28, 2006 at 5:56 pm
My mind works this way too. I do my best thinking on long car trips and at night.
Good luck in finding a new school!
Comment by Vikki — September 29, 2006 @ September 29, 2006 at 6:52 am
I am proud of you. You have terrific instincts and are a great mom.
Comment by Karli's Mom — September 29, 2006 @ September 29, 2006 at 9:08 am
Reminds me… ‘I’ need to find a ballet school for SweetPea. Oh, I hope I haven’t missed the window of opportunity. (She’ll be three in January, but apparently the list is like a mile long.) I, too, want my daughter to ENJOY it and actually learn grace and poise, etc… don’t care if she ever performs.
Comment by April — September 29, 2006 @ September 29, 2006 at 12:57 pm
Good for you, and for Babs.
Comment by amy a. — September 29, 2006 @ September 29, 2006 at 5:56 pm
YOu just expressed so many of the reasons why I have chosen to homeschool my children. I want them to enjoy learning for its own sake, and not just be able to regurgitate facts for placement tests. I want the proccess to be the point, and the way I equip them for the never ending journey that their lives will be. Nad I want them to have lots of time to play with the horsies in the animal corner.
Comment by carrien — October 1, 2006 @ October 1, 2006 at 10:36 pm
I just have to tell you about the place where 2 of my kiddos (6 yo girl and 3 yo boy) take dance. Most dance places call the very beginning classes ‘creative movement’ but they are not. They’re very ballet-structured. Our new place IS creative. You and your daughter would love it (I have no idea where you live). They read books and act out parts of them, they make up their own dances, they have NO RECITAL in December, just an AMAZING one in May (with no costumes to buy). The children help to choreograph their recital dance and everything. We were at a good studio before this, but they were focusing too much on technique at a young age and too much on the recitals. Look around, you might find a similar place near you.
http://www.tannerdance.utah.edu/
Comment by kirsten — October 5, 2006 @ October 5, 2006 at 5:17 am