self portrait tuesday: stairway to light
We took a little detour from the beach last week to visit one of the state’s historic army batteries, a fort built in the early 1900’s to protect the Puget Sound from attack. It is a massive concrete structure, built into the side of a bluff overlooking the water. Perched on top are the original “disappearing guns”, giant cannons that are hidden from view behind a camouflaged cement wall. Ground level is a network of silent, windowless rooms that used to house the control rooms and artillery. They connect to each other through a series of narrow walkways and stairwells, each room just as cold and empty as the last. On the walls, generations of vandals have scratched initials and cryptic messages.
Normally, I am a lover of all things with a past. Antique books in particular fascinate me. I love to imagine whose fingers have turned the pages before mine. Old homes, too, always seem to echo with the voices of past inhabitants. I love feeling connected to a history long past, imagining myself as the link between long ago and tomorrow.
But here, deep inside the walls of a century-old monument, I felt nothing. No connection. Just emptiness. Everything was cold and dark, sending shivers down my spine despite the warm summer breeze that tousled my hair. I was surprised to notice that I wasn’t frightened of these barren, claustrophobic spaces. I expected myself to hesitate at each doorway, reluctant to step into the blackness. I think it was that lack of feeling, almost a detachment, that allowed me to explore the fort unafraid.
I took this photo in one of the last rooms we walked through. The only way in or out was the concrete steps that led you either down into the pitch-black, empty pit, or up into the sunlight. Walking up those steps, leaving the darkness behind me, felt so good. When I wrote that “issues” post a little while ago, I experienced the same feeling. I was leaving behind me the black, oppressive walls of shame, and choosing to walk into the light of forgiveness. I forgave myself for the pain in my past, and for hiding that past inside me with my fear and my disgrace. I haven’t told my whole story yet, but the part I wrote about in that post is finally free and I am unashamed. I am leaving that dark room behind me, and I am not looking back.
This month’s SPC theme is enclosed spaces. See more self portraits here.
You are awesome!
Keep going!
Comment by samantha — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 5:05 am
I can only say “Wow” What a picture!
I love old books too. I tried to get some when I went to Europe. In Russia, especially, there were loads of old ( I mean, old) books, but we didn’t have the money, even though they were relatively cheap. And old house; I like looking at a place and trying to pick up all the little clues to the various changes that took place through the years.
I once spent some time inside Reims cathedral (where French kings were crowned) and you could almost smell the History; that smell of old, old stonedust. But that wasn’t a dark underground structure but a church filled with light and shadows. Strangely enough, it’s the kind of place where you feel more of an historical experience than a religous one.
Forgiveness, especially to oneself, is always the hardest part, and the most rewarding. I’m not there yet.
Comment by Marc André — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 6:04 am
I’m with Marc on this one… what a photograph, Karli… WHAT. a. PHOTOgraph!
Comment by April — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 6:55 am
Karli - you are amazing. Thank you for leading my way.
Comment by misha — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 7:50 am
Breathtaking, Karli. Thanks for sharing!
Comment by Jenn — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 8:39 am
I’m like a broken record - great shot, as always.
Comment by Chris — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 9:11 am
That is an amazing shot. Really, well done.
Comment by Lou — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 9:48 am
This shot is beautiful and really has a “lifted into the light” feeling even without your explanation.
Good job!
Comment by LeS — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 11:06 am
You should have a print of this framed to hang somewhere special, to be a daily reminder of your personal strength and the freedom you live in today. And because it’s just a really cool picture.
Comment by Karen — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 11:28 am
I think I stopped breathing for a moment when I looked at this amazing photo. I wanted to run up the stairs with you! Amazing!
Comment by Nicole — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 1:47 pm
When The King and I were engaged, we went to that place and I was scared to death. I clung to my soon-to-be sister-in-law with utter fear. I will not ever go back.
I love the correlation tho. What wonderful symbolism!
Comment by Queen Beth — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Perfection!
Comment by Bedazzzled1 — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 7:01 pm
Wow Karli, I didn’t know you had such a talent for photography! I would have been getting you to take all our family photos and stop wasting money at JC Pennys and Sears!
This photograph and all those below are amazing. I hope I can learn to walk into the light and leave the past behind too, that’s hard to do! I MISS YOU Karli! Take care
Comment by Erin — August 22, 2006 @ August 22, 2006 at 9:36 pm
What a beautiful photo. I love the quality and the grainy quality that the light hitting the stairs and walls. Very well done.
Comment by kristen — August 23, 2006 @ August 23, 2006 at 2:40 am
A lovely photograph - you have inspired me to think out of the box with my first SPC.
Comment by Lainie — August 24, 2006 @ August 24, 2006 at 3:46 am