“issues”
Someone recently told me that they have never been friends with someone who has as many “issues” as I do. She wasn’t saying this in a malicious way, but as you can imagine it is certainly not the kind of thing you want people to say to you. At the time I paused, listened to what she was saying, and felt a familiar pang of self-loathing. The kind that comes when once again, you feel like a failure. Once again, you feel rejected by someone. Once again, your deepest fears about yourself are harshly brought to light. I knew she was right, so I left her comment undisputed and let the shame wash over me.
When I woke up this morning, that word kept rattling around and around in my brain. Issues issues issues issues issues issues issues issues… It was driving me crazy. Stop it! I told myself, grasping for any distracting thought. I started to do some crunches, hoping the physical exertion would overpower the ceaseless repetitions of that word. But it didn’t stop. It continued like a mantra, a steady continuous chant in rhythmic time to my sit-ups. Up and down, up and down, issues issues issues issues issues issues… This had to be dealt with. I put a movie on for the girls, and sat down to think. What was happening here?
The conclusion I came to was this: I did not agree with my friend’s statement. It seems so simple written down like this, but it was a revelation to me. I did not have to take her words as my truth.
The month before I turned fourteen, I got my period for the first time. The sudden hormonal shift of puberty combined with other factors in my home environment cause me to fall immediately into a deep depression. Faced with the dark and often suicidal thoughts that came so suddenly, I searched desperately for a way to cope. I was scared of this person I had become, seemingly overnight. I no longer recognized my own reflection in the mirror. I was in such indescribable emotional pain, and I felt utterly alone. I had no words to express the turmoil I was experiencing inside. All I knew was that it was too much. It was more than I could bear. I had to do something to relieve my agony. I began to self-harm. I stole razor blades from my dad’s toolbox, and saved up my allowance to buy packages of them at the hardware store. I hid them all over my room. When the pain inside became overwhelming, when I thought my chest was going to implode from the weight of it all, I cut my arm. As my skin opened and the blood began to flow, I felt the most immense relief. This was pain I could explain. It made sense. It was human. I would watch the blood drip from my arm and with it the darkness left my body. I would be drained and exhausted, but I felt real again. I felt and bled and healed like any other person. Cutting was the only thing that tied me to this earth and made me feel like I belonged here. I know this is scary to read about, and I know a lot of people will never understand this about me. But what I realized this morning is that the depression, the cutting, the subsequent drug use and then recovery from it all… that’s me. That’s who I was, where I’ve been, and the building blocks for the woman I am now. I have been sober for 7 1/2 years. That is amazing. I haven’t hurt my body since that one terrifying year. That is powerful. I have learned how to control and take care of my depression and anxiety, and now I live a normal, happy life. That is a success story. I do not need to be ashamed of this, I need to be proud.
This morning, Tracey told me, “Karli, we all have issues. You’re just willing to look at yours.”
That is the truth I choose.
And, sweet friend I am getting to know, you bear the weight of that pain of all you’ve walked through with healing, integrity, honesty, class, tenderness, kindness, unselfishness, strength, beauty and have become the most amazing, wise and beautifully gifted person and have created a serene, funny, loving home in the process….Karli, I’ve said it before and hope to have the chance to be in your life for many years to keep saying - you amazed us from the day we met you with your utterly pure honesty and beauty. I absolutely love your honesty. I said it to someone else this week, but I know you much better. Some people have a gift from God to see through things and know things and seek out truth…you are a truthfinder and truthlover my friend, and I love you for it! I admire you. And I think you know I am blown away by you! Your post is amazing. I wish a million girls could read and know who you are today. You reek of hope and love. Thank you for being so brave. xo
Comment by misha — August 10, 2006 @ August 10, 2006 at 4:32 pm
It confirms what I already know: You are precious. You are real. You are wonderful. Your “issues” brought us together as friends because we share similar “issues”. So that, in and of itself, is a blessing born from experiences, brought together for strength. I love you. I really do. “Issues” and all!!
Comment by Queen Beth — August 10, 2006 @ August 10, 2006 at 4:41 pm
Bring on the issues, Babe. I’ve got ‘em too. We’ll bear each other’s burdens. THAT is what friends do for one another.
Comment by Karen — August 10, 2006 @ August 10, 2006 at 5:18 pm
YES you need to be proud! I don’t pretend to know what u went through but to survive it and become the beautiful person you are today. It is humbling.
Thanks Karli.
Comment by Jenn — August 10, 2006 @ August 10, 2006 at 5:59 pm
I really, really appreciated the honesty in this post. Personally I find it hard to trust people who appear to have it all together… cause no one does. You have overcome a lot… and life is a journey…on which we continue to learn, continue to heal. I don’t know you, but I have a lot of respect for you!! Thank you for writing this!
Comment by jules — August 10, 2006 @ August 10, 2006 at 7:20 pm
I think you are a fearless writer. Reallyreally.
Comment by Jenn — August 10, 2006 @ August 10, 2006 at 7:41 pm
This just took my breath away with its beauty and honesty. You most definitely have something to be proud of!
Comment by Morning Glory — August 10, 2006 @ August 10, 2006 at 7:49 pm
This is an amazing post.
Of all the things you’ve overcome, some of which you touched on briefly, I think the conclusion you came to about your friend’s statement is most powerful. It says that everything you have struggled through in the past HAS made you stronger, and regardless of what makes up those building blocks, an extraordinary woman today. You weren’t any less when you struggled with cutting or drugs, that was “managing” the best way you knew how at that point in your life. Being able to face a comment like that head on, and take it for what it is, speaks a lot of what you have learned and your ability to manage.
Thank you for sharing this. There are things you write about that I’ve never experienced or scarcely understand, but your writing gives me a better perspective and more understanding.
And I just have to say, if I approached my problems with crunches instead of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, there would be a serious lessoning of my own issues….
Comment by Angela — August 10, 2006 @ August 10, 2006 at 9:43 pm
First, kudos to you for 7 1/2 years of sobriety. I used to work at a drug/alcohol rehab facility and I have seen recovery. It is great. And to keep it up is superb. Not an easy task.
Cutting - I am glad you posted about that. Most people don’t understand it, but they need to hear about it because it is out there in full force, especially with teens who are hurting. I see this so much in the education field. It is becoming more common now with teen girls.
I watched the show on A&E called “Intervention” with a cutter. It was eye opening and raw. You have overcome so much. You should be proud of that.
Comment by Nina — August 10, 2006 @ August 10, 2006 at 10:55 pm
Absolutely, Karli. Bravo. Be proud of your issues, because they have a hand in making up who you are.
You know, there are times when I look back on my life — the partying, the drinking, the drugs — and cringe. There were times when it got a little wild, you know? I did some stupid things. Things I’m not proud of. And sometimes I think about it and my face flushes with shame. But I tell myself that if those things hadn’t happened to me — if I hadn’t done those things — then I wouldn’t be who I am today. Like it or not, it makes up a lot of who I am. And today, right now, I think I’m a pretty decent person. And I think YOU’RE a pretty decent person. So I say bravo to you, for being you, lumps and all. For posting about this. For having a voice and not being afraid to use it.
Bravo.
Comment by mamatulip — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 5:07 am
Thank you for sharing this. Yes, be proud. I totally agree with Tracy. And it takes guts to admit, to assume your issues. And tackled them. I’m really lucky to be surrounded by friends that understand that. That can be there when my “issues” overwhelm me, and give me shit when I become to self-involved about them.
“This was pain I could explain. It made sense. It was human.” Although I have always stopped short of that extreme, I can really relate. When you feel like your insides, like your very soul is thorn away, bit by bit, when there’s this unbearable pain you can’t even pinpoint, you just want to feel physical pain so you can make your pain more “real”, make it something others can see. When the pain is inside, it’s always harder to see that others can understand. Maybe because many can’t or won’t.
And like Jules, I’ve got a hard time with people who act like they don’t have anything to tackle.
Comment by Marc André — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 5:11 am
Tracey’s simple statement is so wise, and to me, it speaks volumes about the individual in question who commented on your issues in the first place.
And Karli, you are so right in saying that all the painful crap we go through makes us who we are now. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself with us. You will get nothing but understanding and love from us. You have no idea how deeply I love, admire, respect and LIKE you. You, sister, are one amazing friend.
Comment by Redheadmomma — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 5:41 am
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I’m ‘wow’ over this person that basically was saying they had no issues by saying you did. Let me paraphrase a passage from the Lord, “He who is without [issues], let him cast the first stone.”
Oh my word, Karli - you are just a dear, dear, dear one! I’m so glad you can share what’s really in your heart and soul and mind, so that you may be affirmed. Bless you, my friend, bless you. You are so very precious. I will be praying for you today.
Comment by April — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 5:55 am
I just wanted you to know that I am so proud of you. Good girl!
I have been in the depression shoes myself. I have the most issues of many of my friends and you know what? They come to me for advice.
You are loved.
God bless you Karli!
Comment by samantha — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 5:55 am
I had to come back and comment again…..
14 comments and counting. You have a beautiful soul and you reach people. Your “issues” give others hope of overcoming their darkness. My heart is full dear friend!
Comment by Queen Beth — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 6:26 am
You are a very BRAVE young woman…Thank You for sharing! You should be proud to have overcome all that!
Comment by Chris — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 7:26 am
Karli, Thank you for posting this. I have never understood the pain so clearly, and I’m glad you were able to overcome it enough to live a happy life. I suffered with my pain in a different way, but I was able to deal with it and overcome it too–although it takes a conscious effort to remain on this good path. You have strengthened me today with your honesty.
Comment by abc momma — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 8:41 am
You know what I learned just the other day…Even though I may not be beautiful on the outside, I have a beautiful soul. That I all that I need. Seems like you have learned that too. I am proud of you for overcoming all. And for being able to put it out there for all to see. You are beautiful. Thank you for being brave and sharing!
Comment by mary — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 1:12 pm
I remember when I was just a little girl having this unspeakable pain inside of me and not being able to explain it. I would just cry and cry, and tell my mom it was because of my nanna dying, or my head hurt, or something that happened at school. None of those were why I was crying, but since I didn’t know why, it helped to make up a reason. So i think I get it, why you would cut yourself.
We all have pain I think, it’s how we face it that makes us who we are, and you have become someone that’s worth knowing and listening too.
Comment by carrien — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 2:03 pm
I am, honestly, mistrustful of people who claim NOT to have ANY issues. Or who try to spin my issues (which mostly have to do with a skewed image of my body) as “nothing to worry about.”
I think Tracey is right. I think you are fortunate to know her. But most of all, I think we are all fortunate to know YOU.
That is all.
Comment by Susan — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 3:58 pm
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty much only friends with women who have “issues.” Makes for a much more interesting time.
Wonderful post.
Comment by Ellen — August 11, 2006 @ August 11, 2006 at 5:24 pm
Wow. You know, I have always wondered why some people cut themselves; thank you for explaining. It makes sense now in a way that it never did before. I have the same problem with internalizing and obsessing about what other people say, what they think. It’s like I need constant reassurance, even from those who say positive things to me–after all, what if they change their minds? I want so desperately to overcome that, and I’ve gotten better in the past few years, but still.
So, no, you are far from the only person who has issues. And I bet most everyone has heard similar judgements from at least one other person. She may see more issues in you than in her other friends, but it doesn’t mean her other friends don’t have as many. She may not know them as well, or she may share some of their issues and so may not recognize them. Or it may even have been an offhand comment, a joke, and not necessarily a true and well-thought-out observation.
Comment by Caryn — August 12, 2006 @ August 12, 2006 at 8:21 am
beautiful — both the substance and the form of this post.
Comment by wood from sweetjuniper — August 12, 2006 @ August 12, 2006 at 9:31 pm
“That’s who I was, where I’ve been, and the building blocks for the woman I am now.”
Bravo, lady. If “issues” are what can bring out honesty and determination and a desire for love and truth like I see in you….well, then, may we all be laden with them. Thanks for these words.
Comment by Lauren — August 13, 2006 @ August 13, 2006 at 7:10 am
Truth is so hard but so needed by all of us who feel trapped into not telling it at times.
Thank you for having the courage to face your truths and PRAISE GOD you didn’t accept an offhand (hopefully not meant like it came out) comment as your own truth.
I can get so caught up in “right now” that I forget where I have been. I was right there with you with the pain from age 11 right on up. My daughter, I think, is already beginning it at the tender age of 8. I have been concerned, praying, wondering and praying some more for her. You’ve reminded me of where I was and that I can be one that can help her because I know what it is, I’ve been there too.
The Mother in me keeps thinking I’ve got at least two or three years before the “big conversations begin”, before “major emotional stuff sets in”. The whole me knows the time has arrived.
Thank you thank you for baring yourself without pretense to remind this Mother of the girl she once was…
Comment by tam — August 13, 2006 @ August 13, 2006 at 9:40 pm
Freedom comes from not giving a rap what others think…
Comment by bee — August 14, 2006 @ August 14, 2006 at 7:16 am
I was writing a post the other night in which I was talking about it having been a lonely week. I like to use images in my posts, so I did an image search of “lonely” and came across picture after picture of cut and scarred arms. It was so heartbreaking to those pictures. I was looking for a picture to show lonely, lower case “l” and instead found pictures that screamed lonely with an upper case “L”. I am so glad that you have been able to embrace a different side of life and not hurt yourself in that way anymore. Maybe others out there will read this and it will help them move closer to making the same choice you did towards health. Thank you for sharing.
Comment by Mary — August 14, 2006 @ August 14, 2006 at 1:23 pm
good for you.
and you know what? you are so not alone. Only weird people don’t have issues.
Comment by Lou — August 16, 2006 @ August 16, 2006 at 10:35 pm
It was so brave of you to write this, and it’s such a struggle to learn to love ourselves. Every little step is a triumph, I say.
Comment by fMhLisa — August 17, 2006 @ August 17, 2006 at 5:16 pm
I found your blog via Misha’s post today. And I’m glad I’m here. I just feel so sad that your friend actually said that. As I was reading your post, I felt your hurt and your pain. Although I don’t know you, but all I want to do is give you a big bear hug for being so brave to discuss this painful addiction in public like this. I have no doubt that you are helping the many girls/women out there who went through or going through with “cutting”. I read and did a review on this book “Come Back” by Mia and Claire Fontaine, and it really opened my eyes as to what “cutting “really is. I’m less judgmental now because I realize that it is an illness. Kudos to you and YOU should feel PROUD!!
Comment by Waya — August 30, 2006 @ August 30, 2006 at 5:56 pm
Karli, I don’t know you personally but have heard so many wonderful things about you from Misha. I just wanted to say hello and tell you that even though we’ve never met, I am so proud of you for writing this post. It takes such courage to be so honest, so vunerable. By how many comments you have gotten so far, I can tell that you have touched many people through bearing your soul.
Comment by Andi — August 30, 2006 @ August 30, 2006 at 9:11 pm
This is powerful and so well expressed. Thank you.
Comment by Claddyjack — August 31, 2006 @ August 31, 2006 at 7:25 am
Congratulations. As someone who walked away from deep clinical depression twenty years ago and never went back, I know the strength of character it takes to overcome self-loathing. You are an amazing person.
Comment by Robbin — August 31, 2006 @ August 31, 2006 at 9:37 am
This is an amazing post. I’m new here, but I’m proud of you, for all the things you mentioned, and probably a million more you didn’t. Everybody has issues, is right. And not everybody deals with them as bravely or as competently as you have. Be proud! And good for you!
Comment by NTE — August 31, 2006 @ August 31, 2006 at 2:09 pm
Courage is certainly not one of your issues.
Comment by DavidR — September 1, 2006 @ September 1, 2006 at 8:06 am
Courage is certainly not one of your issues.
Comment by DavidR — September 1, 2006 @ September 1, 2006 at 8:06 am
I too fell into a hole soon after hitting puberty, drinking until I blacked out so I could escape from the body I loathed–my female form that I was told to protect from boys. A request I failed. It took years upon years for me to see the connection between my self-loathing and my actions and I only was able to do so by bringing all my issues out into the light. At 23 I sat down with my parents and told them my story and ten years later they still refer to it as the conversation with their daughter that they learned more than they ever wanted to…but I wanted them to know me and all of it is part of who I am. I respect your honesty and courage. Thank you for writing.
Comment by Christy — September 1, 2006 @ September 1, 2006 at 8:25 am
Hello…..we are strangers by face, dear friends in spirit and heart. When I began to blog it was to reveal the light and the dark. Seeking out your truth frees not only you, but those around you. The only barriers are will, depth, and shame.
Comment by b. — September 1, 2006 @ September 1, 2006 at 11:35 am
Great post. Truly, not many people would have the courage to write about this stuff. You sound like a wonderful person, despite, or more likely because of your issues.
Comment by emma — September 1, 2006 @ September 1, 2006 at 3:36 pm
That was well said. I’m glad you’ve come out the other side of depression.
I know that for me, it was very powerful to articulate the feelings I’d had for years - shame, guilt, uselessness. Once I did put voice to it, it didn’t have power anymore. Now, I can move on. That’s not to say I don’t have bad feelings or hard times because of my childhood, but I can overcome it much more easily. I don’t take it all on myself anymore.
It’s a great feeling!
Comment by Occidental Girl — September 5, 2006 @ September 5, 2006 at 11:57 am
Absolutely - we ALL have issues. The scarier people are those who live in denial. I could really relate to this post. I’m not in the best place right now, but trying. This was the right post at the right time.
Comment by holli — December 6, 2006 @ December 6, 2006 at 5:15 pm
I would like to be the second one to extend kudos for sobriety. You should be proud of your achievements!
Comment by Drug rehab — January 4, 2007 @ January 4, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Denial is one of the most powerful forces I’ve ever fought. Self-harm too. Incredible work (which it is) & we pray that you’ll keep it up! Others need to see that it’s possible.
Comment by drug rehab — May 11, 2008 @ May 11, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I forgot to mention, it’s fantastic that you were able to do this on your own & with the help of others. Some people who are in the throngs of destructive behavior need a safe environment with people who’ve been there before. If any of your readers need a drug rehab or alcohol rehab to get better, then there are definitely places that offer care. Just know that people are there if you ever decide to reach out for help!
Comment by drug rehab — May 11, 2008 @ May 11, 2008 at 4:55 pm