self portrait tuesday: in a box
I believe that I have lived my entire life inside a box created for my own survival. Inside that safe space I have protected myself from the people in this world who could potentially hurt me. It was the only thing I could do. As a child, I never learned the skills girls need to create bonds with each other individually and in group situations. I was always alone, watching the world pass by from the safety of my box. As the years passed by, I sometimes befriended other outsiders and we kept each other company until it became too frightening to go any deeper, and we let the friendship wither and die. I liked it this way. The only responsibility I had was to myself, there were never anyone else’s feelings to consider because I was never close enough to know what their real feelings were. I was alone, but I was safe.
When I met my husband, I was thrown headfirst into an entirely new and terrifying kind of relationship. I was accountable to him for my feelings and my actions, and he was accountable to me. He wouldn’t let me retreat into the comfortable isolation of my box- he forced me to talk and talk and talk. He wanted to know my feelings, my fears, and my frustrations. And with each conversation I grew a little bit.
As the years pass by in our marriage, I find that every time I try to crawl back into the familiar safety my box used to give me, I never quite fit anymore. I have grown too much, come too far, to ever go back. I am proud of myself for this, proud that I took the risk with my husband and made the decision to change. But I have to say, this growth is terribly inconvenient at times. I am no longer able to shut myself away and hope my problems just continue on without me. I am forced to confront life, and the relationships that make up my world. I am forced to fight for my own emotional safety and for the preservation of the fragile tendrils that connect me to the people in my life. And sometimes, that fight is really, really hard. But I have come to realize that life is so incredibly worth it.
To see more self portraits using August’s theme, enclosed spaces, go to the Self Portrait Challenge web site. For a wonderful interpretation of living life from the safety of a “box”, Ellen has a great cartoon that you can see here.
You are a beautiful person, Karli, and I’m proud of you for taking such courageous steps. Boxes can be so cozy sometimes. I know I have a few that I vacation in regularly.
Comment by Karen — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 10:07 am
I’m glad you are coming out and dancing in life. I,for one, am benifiting!
Comment by misha — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 10:58 am
What an awesome and beautiful post! I think we all have our boxes (I know I do) and it’s truly living when we can get out of it and do the things that scare us most.
Comment by Alicia — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 11:27 am
This is truly eloquent, Karli. What a blessing that you have a husband who WANTED to know your feelings and who encouraged you to talk. Bless you for your openness. Your blog surely must be really helpful to a lot of people.
Comment by Morning Glory — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 2:38 pm
I enjoyed reading this post, noting inside my head the similarities and differences between myself and another person who is trying to live life. Beautiful words here. So true and raw. You are lucky to have a great husband.
Comment by Nina — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 2:47 pm
I just love you. In a box…and out. You just inspire me friend.
Comment by Queen Beth — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 4:44 pm
Karli - it’s so hard for me to imagine this other person you said you used to be. God has most certainly blessed you with an incredibly sensitive spirit and the ability to empathize so explicity in word AND picture form. I’ve taken photography ~ I notice it from an artist’s perspective. You’re one big giant talent… or should I say…. perhaps, you’ve been one of those blessed with “ten talents”. ~ April
Comment by April — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 6:13 pm
What a wonderful space and thought-provoking entry! It reminded me of my relationship with my husband, a WONDERFUL communicator who has forced me to come out of my box as well!
Comment by Amber — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 6:18 pm
Beautiful post and photo.
Comment by Tish — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 6:18 pm
Very nice photo! Great idea!
Comment by Sarah-Jean — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 7:18 pm
The picture has so much emotion and your post is very honest. Great job! I love it!
Comment by moki — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 8:02 pm
This picture is so perfect! You could have just been describing my life in this blog… I mean exactly describing my life. The funniest thing I have discovered recently is that it is easier for me to befriend people online for some reason than it is for me in person. In person it was always so difficult to let them in… But my husband has also made me step out of my box.
Comment by Georgia — August 1, 2006 @ August 1, 2006 at 8:26 pm
That is so funny that you mentioned my cartoon at the end, because throughout your post, I was thinking, “I should send her a link to my box thing.”
And I totally understand the sentiment.
Comment by Ellen — August 2, 2006 @ August 2, 2006 at 5:05 am
I live in a very similar box.
Comment by betty — August 2, 2006 @ August 2, 2006 at 7:46 am
Thi is a great sp and it goes perfectly with what you describe. My hubby has done the same for me.
Comment by Colorsonmymind — August 2, 2006 @ August 2, 2006 at 8:35 am
This is a stunning photo because it totally represents your story. This is what we all strive to capture…my favorite! The shadows were the cherry on top
Comment by Tammy — August 2, 2006 @ August 2, 2006 at 2:04 pm
this is a beautiful expressive photo.
Comment by gay — August 2, 2006 @ August 2, 2006 at 3:29 pm
beautiful, touching, deep, and outside the box. great post!
Comment by Brittany — August 3, 2006 @ August 3, 2006 at 6:33 am
How honest of you, and full of courage, to write this. It IS hard to fight for emotional survival, but I try to think of it this way: you’re just standing tall and protecting your beautiful, loving self from being misused. I know you see with full clarity just how much aching beauty there is with full, complete relationships, where you feel safe in them instead of your box. I am so proud of you that your box no longer fits. It shows how much you have evolved, and how hard you have worked. XO
Comment by Redheadmomma — August 3, 2006 @ August 3, 2006 at 7:08 am
Beautiful post, amazing pic. Thanks so much for sharing.
Comment by emlouisa — August 3, 2006 @ August 3, 2006 at 11:10 am
I love the photo. And I love that you’re now out of your box, in full color.
Comment by Melissa — August 3, 2006 @ August 3, 2006 at 3:28 pm
I learn something that expands my soul each time I visit you. C:-)
Comment by Cmommy — August 3, 2006 @ August 3, 2006 at 6:57 pm
What a beautiful picture! You’re so talented!
Comment by brooke — August 4, 2006 @ August 4, 2006 at 7:39 am
One of my faves. Great contrast! Great image!
Comment by BZ — August 4, 2006 @ August 4, 2006 at 10:16 am
Beautiful, Karli. I love it.
Comment by Heather — August 5, 2006 @ August 5, 2006 at 10:36 pm
I love this post. So open and so true for what seems like many of us, including me.
Keep going. You “say it” for so, so many!
Comment by tam — August 8, 2006 @ August 8, 2006 at 8:50 pm
I love this post. So open and so true for what seems like many of us, including me.
Keep going. You “say it” for so, so many!
Comment by tam — August 8, 2006 @ August 8, 2006 at 8:51 pm
that is a wonderful post!
Comment by kimc — August 10, 2006 @ August 10, 2006 at 12:13 pm