I believe that I have lived my entire life inside a box created for my own survival. Inside that safe space I have protected myself from the people in this world who could potentially hurt me. It was the only thing I could do. As a child, I never learned the skills girls need to create bonds with each other individually and in group situations. I was always alone, watching the world pass by from the safety of my box. As the years passed by, I sometimes befriended other outsiders and we kept each other company until it became too frightening to go any deeper, and we let the friendship wither and die. I liked it this way. The only responsibility I had was to myself, there were never anyone else’s feelings to consider because I was never close enough to know what their real feelings were. I was alone, but I was safe.

When I met my husband, I was thrown headfirst into an entirely new and terrifying kind of relationship. I was accountable to him for my feelings and my actions, and he was accountable to me. He wouldn’t let me retreat into the comfortable isolation of my box- he forced me to talk and talk and talk. He wanted to know my feelings, my fears, and my frustrations. And with each conversation I grew a little bit.

As the years pass by in our marriage, I find that every time I try to crawl back into the familiar safety my box used to give me, I never quite fit anymore. I have grown too much, come too far, to ever go back. I am proud of myself for this, proud that I took the risk with my husband and made the decision to change. But I have to say, this growth is terribly inconvenient at times. I am no longer able to shut myself away and hope my problems just continue on without me. I am forced to confront life, and the relationships that make up my world. I am forced to fight for my own emotional safety and for the preservation of the fragile tendrils that connect me to the people in my life. And sometimes, that fight is really, really hard. But I have come to realize that life is so incredibly worth it.

To see more self portraits using August’s theme, enclosed spaces, go to the Self Portrait Challenge web site. For a wonderful interpretation of living life from the safety of a “box”, Ellen has a great cartoon that you can see here.