in between
Lately I have felt like I have been teetering on the fence post that sits between sanity and one hundred percent nutter-butter-crazy. I’ve felt pretty together the last few days, which is new for me, but there are times when I feel like if I have to watch “Lady and The Tramp” one more time I’m going to pluck out my eyeballs and mail them to France.
So I’ve just been kind of hanging out up here on this fence post, watching the people walk by on either side. All the people on the sanity side are smartly dressed in their khaki pants and neatly pressed polo shirts. They all seem to have a destination in mind as they march by in straight lines, chins up and eyes forward. They have everything completely under control in their lives, I can tell. On the other side, the crazy side, things are a little more interesting. You’ve got that one guy who calls himself Lederhosen Joe who stands on one foot while trying to juggle three vicious looking raccoons. The lady in the green hat just wanders around until she finds a corner to wedge herself into so she can cry for awhile, and the little albino boy that trys to do handstands always ends up knocking over the stacks of tuna cans that mysteriously appear every morning. I watch these people, the Normals and the Crazies, from up here on my fence post and I wonder… which side is right for me? As we all know, I’m just not that into ironing, so I don’t feel like I really belong in sanity land with the Normals. But I’m also not that fond of tuna, so I’m not sure if I really fit in with the Crazies either.
One thing I’ve been learning a lot in therapy (ha! aren’t you so glad I’m in therapy?) is how to find my “gray area”. How to stop looking at the world in terms of black and white and find the middle ground, the magic “in-between” that works for me. In reality, I’m too spazzy to ever be classified as Normal. When I hear the phone ring it makes me have to pee, and I’m still semi-convinced that if I look up at exactly the right moment I might catch a glimpse of Santa on his way over my house on Christmas Eve. But I also don’t believe I’m a certifiable Crazy, either. I drive a minivan for Pete’s sake. If you look up “suburban” in the dictionary you’ll find a picture of my neighborhood, and I’ve been known to pontificate at length on the utter joy that is Papa Murphy’s pizza. I want to be different enough to be interesting, but regular enough to live a safe and stable life. Just because I might feel a little loony some days, that doesn’t mean the next logical step is a padded room and some Valium.
My therapist (who has two boys about the same age as my girls) tells me, “It’s not a matter of whether or not you’re going to lose your mind each day, just how much of it you’re going to lose.”
I love her.
I’ve been feeling a little in-between-worlds myself, lately. It’s unsettling, yes? I do like your therapist’s philosophy, though.
Hang in there.
Comment by Nancy — July 12, 2006 @ July 12, 2006 at 3:25 pm
I have a few dressy/business-like shirts that never need ironing and that help me look like I belong on the normal side. Fake it til you make it, right?
I hope you find peace. Therapy has helped me to let go of the stereotype that I thought I should be.
Comment by abc momma — July 12, 2006 @ July 12, 2006 at 4:15 pm
If you’re crazy, then I need to be committed. I like to think our level of craziness is normal!
Comment by Stigma With Style — July 12, 2006 @ July 12, 2006 at 4:25 pm
I’m not sure how much more of my mind I have left to lose . . .
I love your therapist, too. Good for you.
Comment by Susan — July 12, 2006 @ July 12, 2006 at 6:28 pm
I’d love her, too.
Comment by Heather from One Woman\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s World — July 12, 2006 @ July 12, 2006 at 7:24 pm
I love your writing. If it takes a bunch of fence post sitting to get stuff like that—then I think that’s great. It takes some dancing with the crazies to really appreciate life—so don’t worry if you spend a little time picking up tuna cans with the albino. Just, when you are done, get back in your minivan and go pick up a perfect pizza.
Comment by Angela — July 12, 2006 @ July 12, 2006 at 7:25 pm
wow. I think all of us feel like that at some point, but we all have different degrees. I just came out of a fairly traumatic year in my family and I look back at some of those times and I think to myself “was I even awake? Was I even breathing?” I felt like an outsider looking in. I didn’t even realize it until I was past it. Kudo’s to you for being on top of things.
P.S. I love your therapist too……. she sounds like a keeper.
Also, I loved your line about mailing your eyeballs to France.
Comment by bek — July 12, 2006 @ July 12, 2006 at 8:01 pm
you sound fabulously imperfect, which makes me feel good always to know there are other internet people being as well. isn’t that great?
i love it.
Comment by Sarcomical — July 12, 2006 @ July 12, 2006 at 8:13 pm
I think we should all be sane, but with a healthy dose of crazy, and that’s what you sound like. The world would be boring otherwise–no creativity, no letting up from the endless, mindless perfection. No laughter. Nothing impulsive. I think your spot on the fence sounds wonderful. May I join you up there?
Comment by Caryn — July 12, 2006 @ July 12, 2006 at 8:24 pm
Love your post! (I’m reading all the B4B entries today!) My house, too, went thorugh a Lady and the Tramp period. We’ve just recently moved on to Toy Story now, thank heavens!! “Thiiiiiiis is the niiiight, it’s a beeyooooo tiful night…” Feeling ya!
Comment by el-e-e — July 13, 2006 @ July 13, 2006 at 4:46 am
Just don’t mail your eyeballs to Japan, they’ll probably serve them as some delicacy in some restaurant!
Your therapist (and/or the voices in your head, LOL) seem to know what they’re talking about!
Hang in there!
Comment by Kim — July 13, 2006 @ July 13, 2006 at 7:39 am
In my opinion, it’s not wondering if you’re crazy or sane that’s the problem. It’s learning to accept your circumstances and surroundings. Are you happy with the choices you’ve made concerning your life? I think once you get to the point where you are content in your skin, the fine line of crazy vs. sane will disappear.
Comment by Queen Beth — July 13, 2006 @ July 13, 2006 at 7:44 am
I ran across your blog today reading B4B entries. I love this one! It sounds as though your writing mimics the ramblings inside my mind. I think motherhood does that to us. I also like your profile - how you describe the reality of moms who are out there judging others when we should really be rallying together. On those occasions when we moms cry out having a bad day, for example, should be met with pick-me-ups, not put-me-downs! You go, girl.
I’ve now bookmarked your blog. Keep it up.
Comment by Nina — July 13, 2006 @ July 13, 2006 at 10:18 am
That is such a fabulous quote. I’m gonna have to use that.
Comment by Kathryn, DYM — July 13, 2006 @ July 13, 2006 at 12:26 pm
That is such a fabulous quote. I’m gonna have to use that.
Comment by Kathryn, DYM — July 13, 2006 @ July 13, 2006 at 12:27 pm
Trust me, after a while you just stop trying to decide. It’s a truly liberating moment. I am one of those people who is a first-generation college grad, even worse, a PhD-holding college grad who would be straddling the border between worlds if I had enough feet to do it - too many societies that I pass through in a day to manage with only two. After a while I just found myself surrounded with a whole bunch of us fence sitters, and I shrugged and forgot about it.
Comment by Robbin — July 13, 2006 @ July 13, 2006 at 12:58 pm
Love your writing. Thanks for the hilarious look into your world.
Comment by Mere — July 14, 2006 @ July 14, 2006 at 10:39 am
Hey, I know that fence post, too!
You can’t really get down on either side; faking Normal is unfulfilling and too much work, and if you try to be a mother on the Crazy side, they just medicate you back over to Normalsville.
I think what you want to do is stay on the posts, but walk to the end of the fence and leap straight off; I think the gray area is forward, to strive toward. I think that’s where the Real People are. At least I hope so.
Comment by Melissa — July 14, 2006 @ July 14, 2006 at 10:04 pm
For me forget padded room. Please pass the Valium.
Comment by JD — July 15, 2006 @ July 15, 2006 at 10:19 pm
I have been known to hang out on a few fence posts myself….maybe thats why i loved your story so much!
Good Luck in the final 7 of B4B!
Comment by kim — July 20, 2006 @ July 20, 2006 at 10:18 am
Now that sounds like a REALLY good therapist!
You make me laugh so hard. Thanks.
Comment by OddMix — July 21, 2006 @ July 21, 2006 at 6:48 am
Gray areas are what keep me from jumping to one side or the other.
Comment by poopie — July 21, 2006 @ July 21, 2006 at 12:52 pm