i’m rubber and they’re glue…
There is a small group of women that attend my church who have formed a very strong bond with each other. If we were in high school, I would call them a “clique.” They are all rich and pretty, overly polite and well-poised, and usually extremely gracious women. Their social calendar is jam-packed with engagements that they attend only with each other, including an exclusive “invitation only” book club. They maintain that it’s because they want to keep the numbers in the group small, but the women who have expressed interest in joining (and have been told there’s no room) have repeatedly been stung when a new family starts coming to church, and the beautiful and well-to-do wife is immediately invited to join. If we were in high school, I would call them “snobs.”
On Monday afternoon they held a going away party for one of the members of this tight-knit group. Predictably I was not invited, but my good friend Sandra and I were both surprised to learn that her presence was requested. We laughed about the juvenile silliness of the whole thing, but I could tell she felt bad that I was not included on the invitation list. I wasn’t bothered. I have been invited to a very small number of their secretive events, and I spent the entire time feeling uncomfortable and wondering why they invited me.
By the time Monday afternoon rolled around I had completely forgotten that this party was going on. Zibbit was still fighting that high fever, and I was exhausted and frazzled. At 4:30 the phone rang, and the name of the party’s hostess popped up on my caller ID. I am actually embarrassed to admit that I had a fleeting hope that they had suddenly realized that I had been overlooked, and were calling to apologize and offer me a last-minute invitation. I answered the phone.
“Hello?”
“Oh, hello Karli!” she chirped brightly. In the background I could hear dozens of voices talking and laughing.
“Hi Kim. Sounds like you’re having a good time…”
“Oh yes, yes,” she giggled. “Hey listen, I was wondering if you have Sandra’s cell phone number?”
“I- what? You’re going to have to talk louder, I can’t really hear you.”
“Sandra’s cell phone?” she yelled over the din from the partygoers. “We’re trying to reach her but we don’t have her number! We don’t want her to miss all the fun!”
Suddenly I could picture them all there, sitting around a perfectly arranged table in their designer clothes, enjoying themselves over a gourmet spread of hors d’oeuvres. I looked around my house, at the clutter piled in every corner and the dishes towering in the sink. A bottle of Zibbit’s Tylenol had been knocked over, and lay in a sticky purple pool on the counter next to the phone. My hair was unwashed and I was still wearing the sweatshirt that had snot stains all over the shoulders from trying to comfort my sick baby the night before. My kids had both started whining and crying because the movie they were watching had ended. Zibbit was due for another round of medicine, and I found myself wondering how much of the expensive liquid I could scoop back into the bottle from the mess on the counter.
“Karli? Are you still there?” Kim’s voice broke through my thoughts and I struggled to fight back the tears that sprang to my eyes as I listened to the noise of the party on her end.
“Oh. Um, no. I don’t have her number. Sorry.” I felt like a big, fat loser. Used. Rejected.
“Well thank you anyway!” she gushed. “Have a great afternoon!”
“Yeah,” I mumbled, “talk to you later.” I hung up the phone and stared down at the receiver. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I realized that as much as I don’t want it to bother me, it hurt to be excluded. I want them to like me and invite me to join their festivities, even if I don’t really want to join them. Imagining them all there having a great time while I was stuck at home with sick and cranky kids made me feel just awful.
If we were in high school, I would have to call this really really lame.
I too have felt the pang of exclusion. But once that little sting dissappears you realize how lucky you are NOT to be included in THAT group. Don’t you just want the satisfaction of DEclining their invitation?
Comment by mills — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 12:00 pm
Wow. That is really poor behavior. I’m a little stunned. I am so sorry that these women have affected you. Up until the phone call part I was hoping they didn’t know what they were doing. But it’s hard to believe that when they call you on the phone FROM THE PARTY. Yikes. I think you could rescind that “overly polite” description.
I feel hurt sometimes too when I am rejected by people I don’t even like. But the respect of people whose standards are so flawed is not worth having. I know you already know this. I hope you feel better soon.
I came here thru Amalah on ClubMom.
Comment by veronica — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 12:33 pm
Disgusting. For some reason you must be threatening to them and I honour you for it.
I’m having a very exclusive “party” on Saturday.
Casual dress, pee, and spilled everything all par for the course… and you are THE ONLY one invited. 
Comment by misha — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 12:43 pm
When I am trying to discourage behavior in my (3 and 6 year old) kids, I tell them it is “low-class,” which I define as “acting without respect for yourself or others.” I don’t care how rich or pretty these women are, their behavior was low-class.
Naturally, people have the right to include or exclude whomever they choose from their private social gatherings. It may not be nice, but it’s the way things are. But it is NEVER necessary to rub someone’s nose in the fact of the exclusion. If they REEEALLY needed Sandra’s cell number, and they REEEALLY had no recourse but to call you for it, they could have at least had the good graces not to say, “Hey! We’re having a party! And we want your friend to come! But not you! So could you hook us up?” That’s rude, childish, and nasty, and those women do not deserve your company. You are better than they.
Comment by Becki — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 12:49 pm
Low-class? NO CLASS.
I’m sorry your feelings were hurt, sweetheart. And I understand why you felt that way, but I am furious that such insensitive people have that kind of power over you.
I have to say that if that was my church, I’d be looking for a new one.
Comment by Mir — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Wow, wow, wow. Incredible and incredibly tacky. Hugs.
Comment by Julie (rarely-home mom) — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 1:36 pm
I’ve been lurking, but this brought me out of hiding. That’s absolutely ghastly behavior!! I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt. My daughters love you, therefore, I do too!
Comment by Morning Glory — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 4:27 pm
Hey babe. I know how you feel. Being foreign is feeling like that ALL the time.
Are these women OLD or something? I have a sneaky suspicion they’re doing this because they feel there’s an age gap and because their tea parties are ONLY for old fogies or smtg. If that is the case, count yourself lucky.
Let’s form our own book club, mam. Say the word. The only rule wld be, there are no rules.
Comment by Jenn — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 5:08 pm
Here is a slightly modified version of my new favorite quote: “Don’t let other people rent space in your head unless you want them to and they are worthy of your time and energy.” And believe me, they are not worthy of you, your time, or your energy!
Comment by Trixie — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 5:13 pm
Okay, I think that we could best BEST friends. If that’s not a weird comment from a perfect stranger, I don’t know what is. But I am living this right now. And that’s not why I think we could be such good friends. It was the spilled bottle of Tylenol with the eyeing it to see how much you could salvage. It’s like…it’s like you’ve lived my life!!
This is such a sad and ridiculous way to live when we have so much to offer each other. The dumb thing is, while I’m experiencing something similar to this now, at 30 years old—I NEVER dealt with this in high school. Maybe I was just oblivious, but it really didn’t ever seem this bad.
I hope you find your own clique that doesn’t shower regularly and wears the same workout pants 4 days in a row and has to scrap the church directory off the counter with a spatula everytime they need it—as a rule. And you guys can call the perfectly coiffed crowd and ask them for the number to Papa Johns–or something.
Comment by Angela — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 5:52 pm
How sad that must have made you — I can definitely, definitely identify. It’s really a shame that people, especially people who claim to keep faith at the center of their life, can’t move beyond adolescent behavior.
Comment by Lauren — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 6:16 pm
WOW, know what you are talking about. Unfortantly in my case, it is the same people that I hung out with a few years before. Now that we have a kid, and am working part time, we just can’t do the things we used to. I have had one freind come into town, and another friend call me, and be like “So, what is so and so doing?” When not only did I not know, but I didn’t even know they were in town!! so, yeah.
Comment by Teresa — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 6:25 pm
That is SO WRONG. Just… tacky. Ugh.
If I thought I lived near you, I’d invite you over to drum up our own social group. No cliquiness allowed.
Comment by Nancy — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 6:37 pm
Come visit me any time!
Mary, mom to many
Comment by owlhaven — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 8:03 pm
Holy crap - how rude. I am so mad at those mean women. I can’t even imagine what they must have been thinking, and I’m sorry it got to you, even for a minute. Big hug, and thank goodness you aren’t a part of that group.
Comment by Amy — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 8:16 pm
ok you know what? we are SO going to call them from the zoo. “hey kim–do you have sandra’s number? she LOVES the penguins, and we don’t want her to miss a MOMENT of this incredible day!!”
Comment by Steven — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 9:02 pm
i swear, this is why sometimes i HATE “church people”. you’d think they’d be a bit more, um, aware? but they’re no more than everyone else.
i’m sure their “fun” was lame anyway. screw ‘em.
Comment by Sarcomical — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 9:21 pm
I am sorry again for they way that you were treated. You know that I love you. I do wish that people would think before they act. The worst part about this is that they did not think they were doing anything wrong. This is the kind of behavior I am trying to teach my 5 year old to avoid. They have no idea how your weekend had been spent nursing one child back to health and then having to turn around and nurse the other back to health and it wouldn’t have taken much to know, if they would have just listened to your voice they would have been able to tell that something was wrong. I had no idea that was how the whole conversation went and while I was reading your post, I wanted to cry too. I know these women and I know how I have been made to feel like an outsider as well (more often then not). I am sorry again for their behavior and I do truly LOVE YOU and VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP DEARLY.
Comment by Neighbor Across the Street — June 15, 2006 @ June 15, 2006 at 11:28 pm
Karli, sweetie, just think of it this way: Velveteen Rabbit versus the Stepford Wives.
Go, rabbit, go!
They don’t deserve to have you at any of their functions. I’m hoping you find some like-minded rabbits :>)
Comment by the Mater — June 16, 2006 @ June 16, 2006 at 3:37 am
I’m sorry. That really sucks. But, you said so yourself that even if you had been invited, you would have been uncomfortable. And you know, they probably weren’t having that much fun to begin with.
Comment by mamatulip — June 16, 2006 @ June 16, 2006 at 5:05 am
For being so rich and hootie tootie, that woman behaved very poorly. Bad manners for sure. That’s sad, really.
Comment by laura — June 16, 2006 @ June 16, 2006 at 6:28 am
This is so awful. Awful. My heart breaks for you. Knowing in your head that these are not the kind of people you would want to spend your time with doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Comment by Vikki — June 16, 2006 @ June 16, 2006 at 7:02 am
Karli, I could have written this last week about my own life. I feel your pain, I hate it that you were treated this way. My heart hurts.
Comment by Karen — June 16, 2006 @ June 16, 2006 at 8:07 am
That’s just sad that their hearts and minds are so small that they can’t handle having more than just a few friends. There were some women like that in my area too, but some have now moved and they are forgotten.
I belong to a book club where anyone is invited. There are different women each month and it is so fun getting to know the new people. It has never been too big to not have fun or have a quality discussion about the issues of the book. We meet at 8:00 til 10:00 pm (or later) when kids are in bed, or most husbands are home to care for them. You and your neighbors could start a new book club–invite everyone, and pretty soon you’ll feel rich in friends.
Comment by abc momma — June 16, 2006 @ June 16, 2006 at 8:19 am
I’m sitting here trying to figure out if these women are adults or children. It doens’t matter how you dress them up, they are all tackless and rude.
I just can’t believe that grown women would think it would be okay to call you to get your friends number and not invite you to the party. I know that you said that you didn’t want to go but that is beside the point.
I don’t even have to know them to know that you are the better person.
I hope that the babies are better and that your are healed too.
Comment by Mary — June 16, 2006 @ June 16, 2006 at 10:29 am
Wow. Talk about no class. Its things like this that make me not as homesick. I am so sorry!
Comment by brooke — June 16, 2006 @ June 16, 2006 at 10:34 am
“Exclusive” groups are sad - If they could stand back and look at themselves through your eyes, some of them might even have the good graces to be ashamed at the way they act! I always felt like one of the “other folks” - never part of the “in-crowd”, usually chosen last for a team. But one day it dawned on me that Jesus died for ME - He CHOSE ME! Not only chose me, but chose me FIRST!! The more I have concentrated on that, the less the “in-crowd” meant! - my gosh - the God of the Universe chose me!! Hang in there with your darling babies, your own good friends, and a God who chose YOU first!!
Comment by Grandi — June 16, 2006 @ June 16, 2006 at 2:39 pm
Promise me that next time something like this happens, you will call up one of your many incredible friends - those based on love, and trust, and commiseration, and admiration, and total acceptance - and that definitely includes me - and say, “I really need to talk.” And just spill it, tears and anger and hurt and all. Your friends are true.
Think about this, my sweet, real-as-life-itself friend: the people that you CHOOSE to surround yourself with would never treat anyone this badly. This is piss-poor behavior, and in fact, I think of this this way: their being so incredibly in-your-face rude and hurtful makes it very, very easy to know exactly what these half-wits are made of. Think of it as a gift from them to you, that you know that that’s how they would expect YOU to behave if you were “accepted” into their group. And you would never do that; at the very least, you would never choose to set such a horrible example for your girls. I am proud of you for sharing this, very proud.
Comment by Redheadmomma — June 16, 2006 @ June 16, 2006 at 5:02 pm
You should start your own book club and warmly welcome all those deemed not worthy of this exclusive club’s friendship!
Chin up. You have so much to be greatful for in your life.
Kinda makes you wonder what part of their church beliefs justify treating others so poorly.
Comment by Susan — June 17, 2006 @ June 17, 2006 at 5:11 pm
Wow. I’m sorry that happened to you.
(And my house looks just like yours, spilled pain reliever and all. Just so you know
).
Comment by Bethany — June 18, 2006 @ June 18, 2006 at 6:11 pm
I’m delurking to say this same thing happened at our church too! I know exactly how you feel, I’m sorry.
Comment by J — June 19, 2006 @ June 19, 2006 at 1:22 am
I’m late to this comment party, and you’ve probably stopped reading by now, but I am so sorry this happened to you. Especially the phone call during the party. how crass is that!
I hope that writing this helped ease the hurt. (hugs)
Comment by Tess — June 19, 2006 @ June 19, 2006 at 7:55 pm
Just came across your blog through ClubMom.
Sometimes people really don’t know how much they hurt people when they do things like that. I am the older, settled “boring” woman in my crowd, and I have had things like that happen several times. Once when I got the nerve up to actually mumble something alluding to the fact that I was hurt not to be invited, I got this silence, and then this confused response to the effect of they didn’t realize that I would even be interested in being invited. Puh-LEASE?! Do I just exude this so-together cool air that people think I have no interest in socializing?
So, I feel your pain, I really do.
Comment by Robbin — June 20, 2006 @ June 20, 2006 at 12:31 pm
Ah…this is one of the reasons I left said church. I just did not fit in with all the clicks. We moved to a new state 2 years ago, and I had hoped maybe I’d find a “clique” to fit in with. Alas, no luck. Just an outsider, still. I’m not willing to pretend that I’m plastic and wear designer clothes and have my act together. They’re just not real people. And they don’t realize that their church believes in including all, yet they are some of the most exclusionary people I’ve met. I haven’t missed it since I quit going.
Hang in there. I know the feeling. I so know the feeling.
Comment by muriel — June 21, 2006 @ June 21, 2006 at 6:43 am
I have tears in my eyes. *ouch* Thank you for posting about this experience. Do we ever “grow up”? I hope so.
Comment by Cmommy — June 22, 2006 @ June 22, 2006 at 7:29 pm
I sooo totally know how you feel!! Come on over to my blog anytime. Some women can be such bitches
Comment by ChaCha — June 24, 2006 @ June 24, 2006 at 2:00 pm
Oh, Karli. I’m completely furious on your behalf. I just want to give you a hug. I can’t believe the nerve of them! How dare she tell you she doesn’t want Sandra to miss all the fun, and not even invite you. What gall! Boys never really grow up, but I’m not sure girls do, either.
***Pssssttt*** If you tell me their phone numbers, I’ll sneak into men’s rooms all over town and direct men to call them “for a good time”. Or I’ll prank call them. Or something. Nahhh. No use being as juvenile as they.
My GOD, did I hate middle school. This is exactly why.
Comment by Caryn — June 29, 2006 @ June 29, 2006 at 8:52 pm
Hi, Karli… and these women go to your church? and they represent whom? I can’t believe the audacity to be so incredibly self-glorifying… their behavior was… well, childish. Christ said that the first shall be last and the last shall be first. You my friend, will be seated near the HEAD of the table with His invitation. Love ya, April
Comment by April — June 30, 2006 @ June 30, 2006 at 10:45 am
There are women like that in my church too… My favorite is when they start being nice to me, I always wonder what they want from me. Or if they just like to feel important, like they did their good deed for talking to the girl (woman, whatever i feel like a girl)who does not show up every week, who likes to wear fishnets… The girl who is ‘different’ from them because she gets along better with the punk teenage girls who are a little dark and wild…
I sometimes really wish that I had real friendships there… but then i think better of it.
Sending love to you
Georgia
Comment by Georgia — April 5, 2007 @ April 5, 2007 at 4:00 pm