confuddled
I’m itching for changes.
I want to paint my living room, or maybe get a dog. I chopped five inches off my hair. I’m thinking about taking up golfing.
It’s not that I’m bored- my life is too chaotic to allow for that. The kids grow too fast, and the days are about ten hours shorter than I need them to be. No, boredom is not the issue. All the years of therapy under my belt are telling me that I’m looking for manageable changes to help me feel less worried about the “big things.” We’ve had a few “big things” come up in our family that have completely derailed us. It’s not like we’re in a crisis of any sort, just suddenly confused and unsure of our place in the world. Are we living in the right house? The right neighborhood? The right state? Is Ammon plugging away at the right job, are we practicing the right faith? Who are we to parent these amazing little creatures? Are we doing right by them, or do they deserve something more from us?
These questions have left me reeling, unable to complete normal, everyday tasks- anything that needs a decision. Skim or 2%? Um… uh… I don’t- Leaded or unleaded? I’m really just not su- Channel four or five? I’m sorry, I really can’t deci- Mild or spicy? Jeans or slacks? Bathorshowerbookormoviewalkorjog? I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know!
Deciding to cut my hair was a simple and manageable task. It was something I could easily control and complete with success. Painting the living room would also be an easy change with a definite finish. Golfing, I’m not so sure. Last night I scored 75 on a par 57 putt putt course, and that’s only because I stopped counting after 6 putts per hole. My husband would rather have Elmo tattooed on his forehead than get a dog, so I doubt that will be happening either. But maybe with each small change I sail through smoothly, I’ll gain the confidence I need to tackle those bigger issues.
Hmmm, speaking of tattoos…
Oh honey….you’re gonna make it. One day at a time. One issue at a time. One moment at a time. You have more strength than you give yourself credit for! And I love you, so you have that too!!!
Comment by Queen Beth — June 4, 2006 @ June 4, 2006 at 7:37 pm
You constantly amaze me. What a woman! By the way, I think you *should* get a tattoo…
Comment by Ammon — June 4, 2006 @ June 4, 2006 at 8:27 pm
what to say…what to say…nope. Got nothin’.
only that i am far too familiar with those thoughts. you are amongst company.
AND! i am now praying more specifically for you.
Comment by tam — June 4, 2006 @ June 4, 2006 at 9:30 pm
Welcome back…
Comment by Vikki — June 5, 2006 @ June 5, 2006 at 6:52 am
I do the same thing. The funniest thing I do is clean. I don’t like cleaning at all, my floor often has the same crap on it for days. BUt when I feel overwhelmed I sometimes start on this cleaning frenzy. It’s something I can do to feel a little less overwhelmed and chaotic, and I do feel calmer when it’s all finished, most of the time. I’m glad you’re back, and I hope you find your way through.
Comment by carrien — June 5, 2006 @ June 5, 2006 at 7:08 am
Oh, man, I totally empathize with this right now.
Might I recommend body piercing?
Comment by Lauren — June 5, 2006 @ June 5, 2006 at 8:55 am
I could have written this post. And I’m itching for another tattoo.
Comment by mama_tulip — June 5, 2006 @ June 5, 2006 at 10:09 am
oh my god, i hear you.
p.s. i’ve even visited the tattoo issue…
Comment by Sarcomical — June 5, 2006 @ June 5, 2006 at 10:29 am
I got a tattoo when I turned 38 to help me deal with turning 39 then 40. I absolutely love it. It is on my right hip where no one sees it unless I show it to them. I control who gets to see but I can be sitting in a business meeting and think “Ha! I have a tattoo you big fat air head man!” I don’t know why that is important to me but it is.
I always seem to cut my hair when I feel outta control but now that I have committed to donating it…I can’t do that. Hmmm.
Comment by mary — June 5, 2006 @ June 5, 2006 at 10:53 am
I think you should paint the wall a bright red. Or come see mine and see what you think.
Comment by misha — June 5, 2006 @ June 5, 2006 at 1:34 pm
You’re back! How I’ve missed you so! One thing at a time. You are an amazing, strong, fantastic person. I have total faith in you.
Comment by Karen — June 6, 2006 @ June 6, 2006 at 8:15 am
Breathe deeply and don’t panic. I’ll tell you when to panic.
You’re back where you belong; you were missed. Life is good.
Just one thing … you’ll have to decide what your tatoo will say. Definitely take your time with that decision. Tatoos are monogamous. I think they mate for life.
Hugs, E
Comment by the Mater — June 6, 2006 @ June 6, 2006 at 10:21 am
And obviously don’t let ME ever tattoo you because I just flunked the spelling test!
Comment by the Mater — June 6, 2006 @ June 6, 2006 at 10:23 am
How about you and I go together to get tattoos when I get up there in July! Hmm? Hmm?
;)
Comment by Queen Beth — June 6, 2006 @ June 6, 2006 at 11:39 am
I vote for Ammon to get an Elmo tatoo on his forehead. Love you all.
Comment by Mom — June 7, 2006 @ June 7, 2006 at 6:42 am
Hi! So, glad you’re back… I’ve kept you in my sidebar so I could keep checking!
I ditto Tam’s comment - praying for you more specifically. Bless You, my friend… Jesus is always a prayer away ~
Comment by April 1930s — June 8, 2006 @ June 8, 2006 at 6:47 am
So hard to find yourself asking those questions. I will be praying for you, too. I love you, Karli.
Comment by Heather — June 9, 2006 @ June 9, 2006 at 8:36 am