I’m itching for changes.

I want to paint my living room, or maybe get a dog. I chopped five inches off my hair. I’m thinking about taking up golfing.

It’s not that I’m bored- my life is too chaotic to allow for that. The kids grow too fast, and the days are about ten hours shorter than I need them to be. No, boredom is not the issue. All the years of therapy under my belt are telling me that I’m looking for manageable changes to help me feel less worried about the “big things.” We’ve had a few “big things” come up in our family that have completely derailed us. It’s not like we’re in a crisis of any sort, just suddenly confused and unsure of our place in the world. Are we living in the right house? The right neighborhood? The right state? Is Ammon plugging away at the right job, are we practicing the right faith? Who are we to parent these amazing little creatures? Are we doing right by them, or do they deserve something more from us?

These questions have left me reeling, unable to complete normal, everyday tasks- anything that needs a decision. Skim or 2%? Um… uh… I don’t- Leaded or unleaded? I’m really just not su- Channel four or five? I’m sorry, I really can’t deci- Mild or spicy? Jeans or slacks? Bathorshowerbookormoviewalkorjog? I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know!

Deciding to cut my hair was a simple and manageable task. It was something I could easily control and complete with success. Painting the living room would also be an easy change with a definite finish. Golfing, I’m not so sure. Last night I scored 75 on a par 57 putt putt course, and that’s only because I stopped counting after 6 putts per hole. My husband would rather have Elmo tattooed on his forehead than get a dog, so I doubt that will be happening either. But maybe with each small change I sail through smoothly, I’ll gain the confidence I need to tackle those bigger issues.

Hmmm, speaking of tattoos…