Thing One

So today is the fourth day in a row I have woken up with a swollen upper lip. Not to be confused with a stiff upper lip. No stiffness, just unexplained swelling. Behold:

It’s kind of hard to see it in the picture, but my top lip isn’t supposed to stick out so far. It’s like it’s rebelling against my face. Or maybe just trying to get some attention. I guess I haven’t been paying my top lip much heed lately. I mean, we used to be tight. Buddies. But lately, things have been different. I guess we’ve just… drifted apart. I’m sorry, upper lip. I don’t want things to be this way. Can you forgive me? Can you… uh, deflate, now? Please?

Thing Two

We live in a very tightly packed neighborhood. All the houses are lined up one by one, brushing shoulders with each other. I can hear my neighbors vacuum. There are also a lot of young families with baby monitors. With the close proximity, and so many monitors going at the same time, there are bound to be some… overlaps.

Last night my husband was working late, so I put the kids to bed by myself. Things went pretty smoothly, and I had been back downstairs for fifteen minutes or so when I realized I had forgotten to turn the monitor on in Zibbit’s room. I flipped the switch, and the room was suddenly filled with the most blood-curdling scream you have ever heard. Sometimes she gets her foot stuck between the bars of her crib, so I figured that’s what was going on since she was fine when I left. I started up the stairs when I heard a man’s voice come over the monitor. “What’s the matter?” he asks. “Why are you crying?”

I froze. And almost peed my pants.

My mind started spinning. Had Ammon snuck in without me noticing him? Not possible, he would have had to walk right in front of me to walk up the stairs. Why don’t we own a gun? A knife. I could use a knife. Or maybe the fire extinguisher. Yeah, I could spray it in his face like Mace. It must be an intruder, who else could it be? A crazy, kidnapping, evil… well, and sort of… kindly… I could hear the man crooning, calming Zibbit down, and the screams quieted to a sad little whimper. “Do you want the light on?” the man asked. “We’ll just leave the light on until you fall asleep.” Well that’s, uh, thoughtful… I tiptoed up the stairs, not sure exactly what I was going to do when I got to her room, just knowing I had to do something. “Goodnight, Audrey,” the man said and I heard a door close. Ok, good he’s leaving, now I can— wait. Audrey? Her name isn’t… ohhhhhhhhhkay. This was all starting to make sense now. I peeked in Zibbit’s room, finding nothing but my sweetly sleeping child. Back downstairs, I switched channels on the monitor, and I could hear her deep breathing. Back on the other channel I could hear Audrey, the little girl who lives across the street, finally settling down and speaking softly to her sister who shares her room.

There was no intruder coming to take my children and sell them on the black market. Thank goodness. But I think I might buy some Mace, just to be prepared. Either that, or stock up on more fire extinguishers.

Thing Three

I know I have a few readers in the Idaho area. Are any of you free the third weekend in May? Would you like to meet up for dinner? Let me know.