an explanation of sorts
The stress, people. The stress and the sadness. That about sums me up right now. The past week and a half has been difficult, to say the least. I am an emotional disaster right now, and I feel very very alone.
Last week I started watching four children from a family that is in the process of falling apart. Over the past few months these kids have seen their parents separate, fight over custody, and file restraining orders. The baby was kidnapped by one of the parents and hidden in another state, and the oldest three have had their spirits utterly shattered. I’ve known this family for about three years, so when I heard about what was happening I felt very strongly that I needed to do something to help. These kids need stability and love, and I am able to provide them with that for a few days every week. I feel like it’s not enough, but it’s all I am able to give them without taking away from my family.
I made this decision rationally and thoroughly, and I have no doubt that I am doing the right thing. However, my actions have brought judgment from some of the other people involved. They worry that I don’t see the big picture and that I’m being taken advantage of, or that I don’t know what I have gotten myself into. Instead of feeling supported, I feel like I have to justify my decisions and prove to these people that I have done this prayerfully and methodically. The worst part is that a very dear friend and I disagree on almost every aspect of this situation, and a distance has formed between us that I have no idea how to bridge. I don’t have the time or energy to focus on our friendship right now, and it is absolutely killing me. She’s my confidante, the person I tell everything to. The kind of person who will let me pour my brains out all over her counter, and help me sort through them and put everything back in it’s right place. Not being able to talk to her about this is so painful, and I feel lost without her quirky and unique point of view. Our conversations lately have been stiff and forced, and I hear our words echoing in the empty space between us. I just don’t know what to do. And I don’t know who to talk to.
I would normally turn to my blog during a time like this, but I have recently become disenchanted with the blog world and confused about my standing within it. I started my blog almost a year ago as a way to hash out my thoughts and issues, and hopefully get feedback from others in the same situation. It quickly became a network of wonderful friends who I am so grateful to have “met” and whose writing and personalities enrich my life every day. But there is also pressure. And so much competition. And I can’t break free from it enough to just let my writing flow and my blog become whatever it is meant to be. There are awards and rankings and statistics. Pressure to get more comments, more readers, more pageviews. It’s just squashing me down and stressing me out, and the more that my blog friends succeed the worse I feel. It brings up deep-seated and painful fears of failure and rejection, and I just don’t think I want to deal with it anymore. I don’t know what this means. Maybe I want to quit and shut everything down for good? Right now I honestly don’t think I would miss blogging. I really just feel horrible about it all the time, and that is so not what I need right now.
I have a lot to give to this world, but it’s not the kind of things that people can really see or appreciate. I can’t turn every mundane event into a hilarious story, or draw a crowd of people at a party with my fascinating conversation. I can’t make things with my hands that other people find beautiful or useful. I can’t spark admiration with my cooking or housekeeping skills, and I am never the first person you will think of to call with your problems. The only thing I really, truly know how to do is love. I love quietly and I love patiently, and most people never even notice. I’ve tried to extend my love with this blog, but I think it’s just more work than it’s worth to me right now. There are people in my life that need me and my undivided attention. These broken children need me. My family needs me. And I need me.
I am just treading water right now, trying to make it through each day. The loneliness I feel is draining me more than when I’m caring for all six of the children (remember I have two of my own). All I can do right now is close my eyes and pray that I will be led through this difficult time.
oh please please please, i just recently discovered your blog and i am hopelessly in love.
continue. please.
you don’t know how much i needed to read exactly what you wrote today. recently i have been making a list of the things i don’t do well, and the list grows each day. i have discovered i am doing a lot of things in my life right now and none of them very well. i had firmly decided to sleep in tomorrow (again) because i’m not going to get any better at anything anyway.
now i have decided to get up at a decent hour and do my best. because i can do some things well, and there are people out there (you) with much more on their plate.
thank you.
please continue.
Comment by emily — March 7, 2006 @ March 7, 2006 at 10:41 pm
Karli, Karli, Karli….. I check your blog every day, sometimes several times a day in the hope of hearing your thoughts on the world as you live it. I do not seek scintillating humour or words of great wisdom…. just to hear how you are and what is going on with your thoughts and your life. I miss you terribly, and your blog makes the world and its distances seem so much smaller. I was oblivious to the pressures of blogging, and I am sorry that it is a source of grief for you. Heavens-to-Betsy…. what a crock, what has happened to blogworld ??? On another note, you are to be commended for having the courage and sanity to help care for the family of four children, as well as your own, and Hubby too. I am exhausted just thinking about it, but VERY proud to say that I know and love you. Go easy on yourself and enjoy each day, living your life as your heart dictates.
Comment by Bronwen — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 1:20 am
I obviously don’t know you at all outside of this safe cyberspace, but I can tell just from the times I’ve read your entries, that they aren’t just little bits of wit and wisdom, they are from the depths of your heart. Outside of competition and all the various motivations each person has for “blogging”, you have found a way to touch our hearts. You have a gift that can’t be measured by awards of man. They are measured by the hearts drawn closer to God through your love. Please don’t give up this ministry…that is what it is…you have the ability to reach people outside your immediate community and maybe, just maybe draw strength from others without allowing the enemy to judge and compete with them.
I’m going to pray pray pray pray pray for you and for your peace about this gift. Remember the parable of the talents my friend, you have so much to offer…sow it, please!
Comment by Kim — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 5:12 am
Delurking to say that I understand the blogging world’s pressure — and it bugs me sometimes too — but that you offer a unique and beautiful look at the world in your writing. I think it’s absolutely understandable to take some time off if you’re heart’s not in the blogging, and reevaluate later if need be. But if you still find pleasure in the act of writing — if it’s therapeutic for you — maybe you don’t want to give it up totally. And I want you to know how much your writing does touch other people. Like me. Thank you for it, and I wish you luck and love in whatever you decide.
Comment by Nancy — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 5:59 am
Helping people in need is a complex task. How do you help them and still maintain boundaries for yourself? Do I refuse to help and miss out on a blessing? Or do I help them with the risk of my emotional well-being being shaken? It takes a huge heart to take on the responsibility of helping a family that is in turmoil. There is no way, if you are a feeling person, that you cannot be affected. It’s important that you step back and analyze why you are doing this. When you come up with an answer that is satisfactory to you, then what others feel about it is mute. If God has led you to help these people, then God alone is your judge. And He is the one who will give you support and encouragement. But giving of yourself does not mean you have to give them all of you. You have to keep some back. It’s not up to you to fix what is broken, only to be a vessel through which God can show His love to this family. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s important for you to find a way to remain “filled”. You cannot give to others when you are empty yourself. Constant prayer and setting up boundaries will not only help your spirit to remain full, but it will also help you to not be taken advantage of.
Comment by Queen Beth — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 6:50 am
I too am delurking just to ask you to reconsider throwing in the hat. Approach this like a writer, not a blogger. Turn off the sitemeter if need be, get rid of the ads, beg out of the contests, even deactivate the comments. If that’s what’s making you miserable, free yourself from it. All of it. Just get back to what makes you feel like you. If that’s the writing alone, so be it. We will still be here whether you know it or not.
Comment by Mom101 — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 7:00 am
It seems that your blog is aptly named. You are sitting on a wire not knowing which way to fly. I recently lost (it’s been two years) a friend. I thought she was a dear friend but that was not the case. We have known each other for more than a dozen years. She hurt me badly and although I have forgiven her for her misstep, I can not trust her. We still talk but it’s not the same. I am greatful that we live in two different states now and not two different block. I felt like you do now when it first happened. I was hurt deeply. But the hurt gave way to anger and then finally acceptance for who she was. It is a grieveing process that you must go through. You must do what is right in your heart and if that means caring for these children a couple of days a week then this what you must do. Listen to your heart. That is where the answers lie. If you ahve time to relect do so and if you need someone to spill your guts to it is sometime easier to do with a stranger and I would gladly be a disinterested third party. Just shoot me an e-mail. I will be glad to listen. I hope that isn’t too weird.
Comment by mary — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 7:46 am
Regarding blogging and pressure…I’ve been doing this for, like, three years. There is pressure but it’s primarily pressure I’ve put on myself. When I started out, I only wanted to express myself. That’s still my only goal. Sure, I want people to read but it doesn’t have to be a competition. I, for one, read you because I like you. That should be enough for anyone.
Comment by Chris — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 9:02 am
Hugs to you. I often feel the same way with my blog. It puts pressure on me and makes me feel bad if my blog isn’t taken the way I meant it. And I am always trying to find something blogworthy. Taking a break can help. And remember, you are doing the blog for you, not for anybody else. If others enjoy it, find wisdom in it (like I do with your blog), then that’s a bonus. My blog is my online journal, nothing else. I will be sending prayers your way!
Comment by Rachelle — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 9:06 am
Hang in there. I really like your website and hope you continue; I would understand if you don’t choose to keep your life on line, but it would be a “loss”. Do what is best for yourself and your family! Faith, no matter what form it takes, is sacred — I’m sending good thoughts your way. Take care!
Comment by Sara — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 9:23 am
Thinking about you and sending my prayers!
Comment by Mama D — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 10:05 am
I am greatly impressed that you have taken on the responsibility of sharing a little bit of your loving household with those children in need, and I commend you for it. I don’t know whether I’d have the strength or courage to do so in your place. I’ll keep you and the family of the children in my prayers!
With respect to your blog and whether to continue, obviously the choice is up to you. Selfishly, I hope that you do continue because I find your posts and those of your guests truly inspiring. But it doesn’t have to inspire others - it should be an outlet for you and something you enjoy doing or you shouldn’t do it at all. Your thoughts on the subject were a good reminder to me that it doesn’t matter how many readers check my blog, because I didn’t start it to win popularity contests. I’d just been getting caught up in checking my site meter and wondering how I compare, and I think I’ll make a conscious effort now not to worry about it. As long as I’m doing it for myself, it’s just an added bonus if someone enjoys what I post.
Comment by Staci — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 11:02 am
Hi, I just popped over via Mama Tulip and I wanted to say that I hope you are feeling a little better today. You sound like a lovely, caring person and I know that we all sometimes stretch ourselves too thin.
I hope that you are still finding comfort in your writing and your online friends. Who really gives a damn about rankings and stats and comments? I mean it’s nice and all and I check mine more often than I should, but now seems like the best time of all to do this for you and not anyone else.
Hang in there and don’t forget to take care of yourself when you’re taking care of everyone else.
Comment by TB — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 11:48 am
Oh Karli, I can relate on so many levels. I wish I had something fabulous to say that hasn’t already been said, but I suck at the serious. I could tell you a good vagina joke if that would help.
Your good friend - if you’re that close you’ll get through this. I’ve been there and we came out on the other side better for the disagreement.
I’m not going to tell you to keep writing if you don’t want to - because I myself reserve the right to quit blogging when I decide I’ve had enough. I know you’ll do whatever is best for YOU.
XO
VM
Comment by Very Mom — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 11:49 am
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Don’t go away. I would miss you so much. “Hugs” from Utah.
Comment by Heather — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 12:08 pm
Karli, this speaks volumes about your heart — how much you care, how deeply you love, how genuinely you desire to do what’s right. Sometimes the unexpected consequence of that is more hurt and sadness then we wish were in our lives. Do what you have to do to keep your heart alive, vital, and loving. And know that there are many of us out in the internet who root for you, all the time.
Comment by Jenna — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 12:14 pm
Karli - Dear E-Friend of Mine - In the words of a good man named Bill W, “one day at a time”. It applies to so many situations. If you don’t have it in you to write then don’t. You will be missed and you do maintain a blog with much to offer and with so much appeal. Holy cow, VERY MOM commented for crying out loud. Kudos to you!! Now THAT is more achievement than any award.
Who knows?! Maybe Dooce will stop by next!
Humor and cliches aside, You are loved. You are amazing. I am proud and thankful to call you friend. And I am praying for you.
Comment by Karen — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 1:22 pm
Karli —
I’m so sorry that you are seeing this family torn apart yet it touches my heart to hear that you have reached out to help them. There is no doubt in my mind that you thoroughly considered yourself, the family involved and your own family before you came to this decision and I’m very, very sorry that the person who you would turn to for friendship and support during a time like this is not there for you. My heart goes out to you.
I’m also very sorry to hear how you are feeling about blogging. I’ll admit, when I was reading this my knee-jerk reaction was “NO! Don’t stop!” Yes, I’m new to your blog but I am a fan. I was reading this and thinking about my response and how I’d try to coax you out of stopping, and then I got to this part: I really just feel horrible about it all the time… And I read that and I hate to say it, but if that is how you’re feeling about blogging, really and truly, then I feel you should take a break. Perhaps re-evaluate in a little while, perhaps not. One day at a time, my friend. I’d be sorry to see you go and I’d be glad to see you come back, but whatever decision you ultimately make, it’s the right one for YOU.
Big hugs and best of luck.
Comment by mama_tulip — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 3:37 pm
Sending you love, strength and prayers. I second what Mom-101 said, turn off all the externals and opt out while you care for yourself. What Sitemeter doesn’t tell you is how often you put voice to things others are feeling and much you mean to so many people. Loving others quietly and without fanfare is true agape.
Comment by Tina — March 8, 2006 @ March 8, 2006 at 8:14 pm
Karli, i know we have only recently gotten back in touch, but i have always felt such a bond with you and i want you to know that you can call me if you ever need someone to talk to. you know that i love to listen and i love you. you deserve friends who treat you as you treat others, with kindness and love. please know you can confide in me anytime you feel like it.
love, Rebecca
Comment by Rebecca — March 9, 2006 @ March 9, 2006 at 12:25 am
I have just recently come across your blog and I love it. First I personally think it is great that you are helping those kids get the stablity I am sure they are longing for. I am very proud that someone is taking a stance to help. I am sure to hear about your friend though. That is tough and disheartening. I wil definitely add all of this and you to my prayer list! About the blogging I completely hear you and have many thoughts about all of those same things all the time. But at the same time the little I can write and get out makes me feel better to be able to write it down and get it out. I would love to say more and say more of what I want, but hold back due to family members reading as well. It is tough. But hang in there sweetie. You are doing a great job and seem like such a wonderful person with a HUGE caring heart. You seem very loved and appreciated. I am sure with time (hopefully not too much time) you and your best friend will connect again and be able to speak it all out and be better then even before.
If you continue to post I will definitely be back. If not… then I definitely wish you the absoulte best!!! and Good luck. May God continue to bless you and your family.
A great pleasure to “meet” you.
~Lyndsay
Comment by Lyndsay — March 9, 2006 @ March 9, 2006 at 9:31 am
Karli - remember that blogging only becomes pressure when you blog for others. This is YOUR blog and you come and vent when you want to. Someone is ALWAYS gonna be here. *hugs*
Comment by Jenn — March 9, 2006 @ March 9, 2006 at 1:18 pm
It is good to take a deep breath…and set your boundaries. while I just found your blog this very moment–I will continue to check back. Taking a week off is a healthy boundary.
My husband and I have been married for 31 years; for twelve of those years we had 21 foster children come into our home. Two at a time they wove their way into our hearts, enriched our lives and afforded us the opportunity to love outside of the box. I pray for you–that you will find the great rewards we did….just knowing that you are making the world a better place…even just for one child..is a blessing that few are willing to receive! God Bless you!
Comment by Partners in Prayer for our Prodigals — March 9, 2006 @ March 9, 2006 at 1:56 pm
You don’t know me, but I scan your site every day. I like this post. Maybe that’s a strange thing to say, but it’s true.
I like its honesty.
I like its vulnerability.
I like its mourning for broken friendship.
I like its tacit plea for comfort.
I like its underlying endurance–though life is coming at you like a mountain, there is no other direction in here but forward.
I like its hope–hope in a tested decision making process, hope in a service and sacrifice, hope in a future “reuniting” with a dear friend.
I like its courage–to admit to struggle when you’ve been left alone, to admit weakness when spreading too thin, to admit great love instead of great judgment.
But mostly I like this post because it’s quiet. It’s quiet love. And quiet hurt. And quiet sacrifice. It’s quiet like you. And it’s quiet like me. It’s quietly non-competitive. And it’s quietly real.
Thank you for offering so much to the blog world when you’re already offering everything to your real world.
Thank you for sharing your quiet reality with me.
Comment by melnel — March 10, 2006 @ March 10, 2006 at 8:04 am
Karli, I think we all enjoy learning about you through your blog. I admire your creativity and I love your writing voice. Not every situation that comes into your life will be good blog fodder, but you are a good writer (like some other commenter said) and that shouldn’t be quashed by anything.
Take care of yourself and we will see you when you get back on the blogwagon!
Comment by Ang — March 11, 2006 @ March 11, 2006 at 4:08 pm
well, *I* like your blog, and I don’t give a rat’s behind how many hits you get a day, just know you have mine! You have to write because you want to write, not because someone has set up a popularity contest that whoever has the largest readership will win. A good blog doesn’t mean you have lots of readers- that just takes time. And just because you have lots of readers doesn’t mean you have a great blog. I’ve been blogging for over a year now and there are still posts that get just a handful of comments and only when I leave them up for five days straight because my brain has nothing fun to write about. The blog is here for me when I need to unload- I’ve met cool people through it (yourself included), and it’s just healthy for me right now. Don’t worry woman!
Comment by Lou — March 12, 2006 @ March 12, 2006 at 7:44 am
I used to stress about the same things when it came to blogging. A wise friend told me to forget all of that and just write. I ditched TTLB, and I rarely check my stats. I just write, and there have been many changes in my blog since, but overall I am happy with blogging.
I hate blog awards. Really. And I think they’re pretty meaningless too. And I hate the little cliques that develop.
Your blog is just that - your blog. I love it no matter what you write, or what award nominations you get or don’t get.
Comment by Theresa — March 13, 2006 @ March 13, 2006 at 3:49 am