The stress, people. The stress and the sadness. That about sums me up right now. The past week and a half has been difficult, to say the least. I am an emotional disaster right now, and I feel very very alone.

Last week I started watching four children from a family that is in the process of falling apart. Over the past few months these kids have seen their parents separate, fight over custody, and file restraining orders. The baby was kidnapped by one of the parents and hidden in another state, and the oldest three have had their spirits utterly shattered. I’ve known this family for about three years, so when I heard about what was happening I felt very strongly that I needed to do something to help. These kids need stability and love, and I am able to provide them with that for a few days every week. I feel like it’s not enough, but it’s all I am able to give them without taking away from my family.

I made this decision rationally and thoroughly, and I have no doubt that I am doing the right thing. However, my actions have brought judgment from some of the other people involved. They worry that I don’t see the big picture and that I’m being taken advantage of, or that I don’t know what I have gotten myself into. Instead of feeling supported, I feel like I have to justify my decisions and prove to these people that I have done this prayerfully and methodically. The worst part is that a very dear friend and I disagree on almost every aspect of this situation, and a distance has formed between us that I have no idea how to bridge. I don’t have the time or energy to focus on our friendship right now, and it is absolutely killing me. She’s my confidante, the person I tell everything to. The kind of person who will let me pour my brains out all over her counter, and help me sort through them and put everything back in it’s right place. Not being able to talk to her about this is so painful, and I feel lost without her quirky and unique point of view. Our conversations lately have been stiff and forced, and I hear our words echoing in the empty space between us. I just don’t know what to do. And I don’t know who to talk to.

I would normally turn to my blog during a time like this, but I have recently become disenchanted with the blog world and confused about my standing within it. I started my blog almost a year ago as a way to hash out my thoughts and issues, and hopefully get feedback from others in the same situation. It quickly became a network of wonderful friends who I am so grateful to have “met” and whose writing and personalities enrich my life every day. But there is also pressure. And so much competition. And I can’t break free from it enough to just let my writing flow and my blog become whatever it is meant to be. There are awards and rankings and statistics. Pressure to get more comments, more readers, more pageviews. It’s just squashing me down and stressing me out, and the more that my blog friends succeed the worse I feel. It brings up deep-seated and painful fears of failure and rejection, and I just don’t think I want to deal with it anymore. I don’t know what this means. Maybe I want to quit and shut everything down for good? Right now I honestly don’t think I would miss blogging. I really just feel horrible about it all the time, and that is so not what I need right now.

I have a lot to give to this world, but it’s not the kind of things that people can really see or appreciate. I can’t turn every mundane event into a hilarious story, or draw a crowd of people at a party with my fascinating conversation. I can’t make things with my hands that other people find beautiful or useful. I can’t spark admiration with my cooking or housekeeping skills, and I am never the first person you will think of to call with your problems. The only thing I really, truly know how to do is love. I love quietly and I love patiently, and most people never even notice. I’ve tried to extend my love with this blog, but I think it’s just more work than it’s worth to me right now. There are people in my life that need me and my undivided attention. These broken children need me. My family needs me. And I need me.

I am just treading water right now, trying to make it through each day. The loneliness I feel is draining me more than when I’m caring for all six of the children (remember I have two of my own). All I can do right now is close my eyes and pray that I will be led through this difficult time.