self portrait tuesday: read my lips
I didn’t do a Self Portrait Tuesday post last week because this month’s theme has been very hard for me. I can’t remember a time in my life when I was completely at ease with my body. I have spent so many years trying to hide or change the parts of me that I find objectionable, so being assigned to embrace those “ugly bits” is not only difficult, but core-shakingly terrifying. I consider them secret and private things, even if it’s a part of me that everyone else can see.
Jenna left a comment on my last SPT post, saying, “What those arms must mean to your girls when you hold and tickle and snuggle them up!” This comment, quite frankly, made me bawl. I had never thought about my body before from the perspective of those who love me. I never realized that when I hold my children in my arms, they don’t judge me against the latest cover model on Vogue. What matters to them is the love they feel when they are wrapped tightly in my embrace. If I had nothing else in the entire world, that alone would give me worth.
I’ve spent quite a bit of time on this new trail of thought. At first I felt relief. What Jenna said was so true that it pierced me deeply, taking root in that most dark and painful place hidden inside my heart. But soon I began to feel shame for my vain and selfish thoughts about my body. I realized that my body is not only my gift, but my children’s gift as well. My body created them and nurtures them, and that is nothing less than heroic. I also began to feel a little bit afraid… Because without this shield of self-loathing I hide behind, I am suddenly very vulnerable. When I repeatedly criticize myself I can build up a thick emotional callous, protecting myself from any darts thrown by others. Without it I feel naked and exposed, open to an attack that is sure to come.
But through the relief, the shame, and the fear came determination. I try so hard to advocate appreciation for all women on this blog, but somehow I left myself out. And how can I teach my daughters to love who they are if the example I set for them clearly shows that I don’t feel that way? So here is my SPT photo for this week- my almost perfect lips:
That red dot is a strange blood vessle-filled bubble that showed up when I was about twelve. It drives me crazy, but you know what? It’s not what my daughters notice when I kiss their foreheads goodnight. It’s not what my husband focuses on when he bursts through the door after work, scooping me up for a facefull of passionate kisses. My lips mean love. They mean protection. They mean forgiveness, and desire, and warmth, and tenderness. My body is not a Vogue body, but it is a special and temporary privilege I need to be thankful for.
I think your journey into self-loving is inspiring. It’s very hard to take off the glasses of criticism when we look at ourselves. But your post has inspired me to look at myself through the eyes of the poeple that love me. I am not happy with my body right now, but my husband DAILY tells me how beautiful I am and my children always want me to hold them and they tell me how wonderful I am. I sometimes have a hard time believing what they all say. But I am going to try and look at things differently. Thanks Karli. You are an amazing woman!
Comment by Queen Beth — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 7:23 am
you have said it all
Comment by Liz — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 7:50 am
Lovely. Absolutely lovely.
Comment by Karen — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 8:22 am
I love this.
Comment by mama_tulip — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 8:24 am
you said everything so entirely perfect. thank you.
Comment by emily — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 10:48 am
Word up, lady. Word the freak up.
Comment by Jenna — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 10:52 am
Wonderful post and great food for thought. If only we could all have this epiphany! I appreciate you today.
Comment by Kristen — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 1:37 pm
What a powerful way to see your own body.
That’s wonderful.
Comment by Heather — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 1:50 pm
And this, dear girl, is why you won MOST THOUGHT PROVOKING!! So, so SOO deserved. Gorgeous post.
Comment by Mama D — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 3:41 pm
Your vulnerability was painfully clear, in a melancholy, a bit frightened but awakening and almost ready to fight the good fight kind of way. I’ve read about 5 of your posts. Inspiring is an accurate description. Beauty from within is more so. If only we could see ourselves as those who love us do; poignant.
P.S. Your lips are perfect..perfect for whom they were created for,
(i have the same blood vessel just on the bottom half!)
Comment by tam — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 9:39 pm
Wow is all I got. Congrats!
Comment by J.D. — February 28, 2006 @ February 28, 2006 at 10:38 pm
Beautiful. Inspiring. Wonderful.
THANK YOU!
Comment by rora — March 1, 2006 @ March 1, 2006 at 3:15 am
Wow! You came full circle in this exercise. What a wonderful post and sentiment and picture. (I love your freckles, btw. My mom has freckles, and seeing them makes me feel warm and loved. See? This is what your body does for your children.)
Comment by Mignon — March 1, 2006 @ March 1, 2006 at 9:41 am
beautiful. simply.
Comment by jennster — March 1, 2006 @ March 1, 2006 at 10:10 am
Seeing yourself through the eyes of those who love you is to see yourself clearly. And stop for another minute to think how many people DO love you and WILL love you as they come to know you better.
Just remember the immortal line from the movie, “Sarah Plain and Tall”. “Will she like us? OF COURSE she will like us. We are nice.” Of course people will like you. You are nice!
Comment by grammy — March 1, 2006 @ March 1, 2006 at 11:12 am
I have never noticed that before. I really like the sentiment of seeing ourselves the way our children see us. If I did that, I would be flailing and flapping with joy every time I walked into a room. But then that would be embarassing on a whole different level.
Comment by Kathryn, DYM — March 2, 2006 @ March 2, 2006 at 10:31 pm
Wow, you gave me something really important to remember about my self image. That is so so true. I could have one eye in th emiddle of my forehead or have no arms and legs and my baby would still look at me as the most wonderful person in her world. Granted in a few years she will hate me but for now that was perfect!
Comment by Lisa — March 2, 2006 @ March 2, 2006 at 11:50 pm
first time here. i’m really enjoying reading everything you have up here. and what you said about having a body as a temporary privilege is amazingly powerful. i know i’ll be thinking about that all day.
and we both have freckles. i used to hate mine, now i love them.
Comment by Kara — March 4, 2006 @ March 4, 2006 at 4:08 am
hey i dont know you but i searched ‘perfect lips’ in google, and i saw yours and dude, seriously…ive printed out this picture of your lips and im going to give it to my plastic surgeon wen im older and tell him THIS IS WAT I WANT! theyre AMAZING i love the shape they are perfect. id love to trade you! just thought you should know how beautiful your lips are, and that a person wants to have their lips cahnged so they look just like yours
god bless xox
Comment by kimberley — May 21, 2007 @ May 21, 2007 at 6:48 am