a tale of two magazines
Scene: A young mother, after a long day of running errands with her children, makes one last stop at the mailbox before driving into the garage. Expecting nothing more than junk mail and some bills, she reaches her hand deep into the box, and pulls out the large stack of paper. Casually scanning the pile of envelopes and grocery store coupons, she suddenly gasps, horrified, and drops the entire stack into her lap. Squealing with disgust, she wriggles her legs until everything cascades to the floor. She pokes the offending object with her foot, shoving it underneath the pile of mail littering the space between the two front seats. With it out of sight, she is able to put the car in gear, and with shaking hands guides the car up the driveway and into the garage. She whisks her children out of the car and into the house, locks the door swiftly behind her, and reaches for the phone to call her husband.
ring ring
Ammon: Hello?
Karli (weakly): Ammon?
Ammon (suddenly worried): What’s wrong? Are you ok? What happened?
Karli (hysterical): I can’t believe it. IN OUR MAILBOX! What was it doing there? Why?
Ammon: What are you talking about? What was in our mailbox? What’s going on?
Karli: Oh, it was AWFUL! I TOUCHED it! With my FINGERS! I have to wash my hands. Oh gross gross gross gross!
Ammon: Karli! Stop! Tell me what is going on!
Karli (whispering): It was a… a nudie magazine!
Ammon: In our mailbox? Are you sure?
Karli: YES I’m sure! I TOUCHED it! With my FINGERS!
Ammon: They must have gotten the wrong house. Did you see who it was addressed to?
Karli: It had your name on it Ammon. Your name and OUR ADDRESS. We’ll have to move. I’ll start looking for houses right away. Can you come home early we can start packing up oh maybe we should go stay in a hotel oh my gosh they know where we LIVE now I can’t believe this is happening so dirty dirty dirty-
Ammon (forcefully): KARLI! Get a hold of yourself! This is not that big of a deal. It must just be a mix-up.
Karli: How are you not upset about this? Aren’t you worried about… unless… it wasn’t… you didn’t subscribe to it did you?!
Ammon (laughing): Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous. Listen, don’t worry. I’ll call them and get it straightened out right away.
Dim lights. Close curtain.
Scene II, one week later:
ring ring
Ammon: Hello?
Karli (yelling): AMMON! WE GOT ANOTHER ONE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF IT!
Ammon: Another… what? What are you… oh! Another one of those… magazine things?
Karli (still yelling): YES ANOTHER MAGAZINE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CALL THEM!
Ammon: Sorry, honey, I forgot. I’ll do it right now. Call you back.
click
5 minutes later: ring ring
Karli: Hello?
Ammon: I took care of it. I still don’t know how they got our address, but they’re going to stop sending it.
Karli (relieved): Oh thank goodness. Thank you. Thank goodness.
Dim lights. Close curtain.
Scene III, two days later: The couple returns home from a night out. They stop to get the mail, this time only one personal letter and a small postcard. The card flutters to the floor of the car, and they reach down simultaneously to pick it up. Together, they read the bright red lettering on the back of the card:
A Gift Subscription of — Magazine
Will Be Sent To:
Ammon
From:
Bill
Ammon and Karli: Ohhhhhhhh.
Ammon: It’s all coming together now.
OH YES!!!!!!!! That is the most hilarious thing ever! But nothing compares to being newly married, living in a Christian college owned house, and going out to the mailbox and finding homosexual porn in your mail box. MALE Homosexual porn subscribed to by the previous renters. I had never been exposed to anything like it in my life and curiously looked through it and was SHOCKED!! I should have thrown it on the floor and refused to touch it, but my curiosity got the better of me. I’m not nearly as good as you Karli!!
Comment by Queen Beth — January 30, 2006 @ January 30, 2006 at 6:07 pm
OOOOhhhhhh….is right. That brother needs a good old fashioned butt kicking!
Comment by Kathryn, the DYM — January 30, 2006 @ January 30, 2006 at 6:59 pm
oh, i had a feeling it was a joke. that figures! but ick. i can picture the first scene pretty well.
Comment by Sarcomical — January 30, 2006 @ January 30, 2006 at 7:35 pm
I’m sorry you were subjected to that!
Comment by Liz — January 30, 2006 @ January 30, 2006 at 8:06 pm
Awesome story telling.
Comment by Karen — January 30, 2006 @ January 30, 2006 at 9:16 pm
Karli, Karli, Karli. You are 10 000 miles away, but thanks to your amusing and heartfelt blogging, you reach out and touch me with each entry. Miss you heaps, but our blog keeps me smiling.
Comment by Bronwen — January 31, 2006 @ January 31, 2006 at 3:42 am
Can I just say, I love the name Bronwen????
Comment by Queen Beth — January 31, 2006 @ January 31, 2006 at 7:34 am
Everyone needs a notoriously childish and inappropriate person in her life to keep things from getting too boring. After all, what else were you going to blog about today?! Great story.
Just to share my own–when we first moved into our house in Ballard, I was home alone trying to unpack the kitchen. I had a ton of packing paper, so I went to put it in the recycle bin outside, which the previous owners had left FULL to the top. There was an upside down box, so I thought I could pull it out and crush it down to make more room. I tugged it out and Barely-Legal style amateur porn poured out all over the sidewalk. Like 75-100 mags. I looked around for the hidden camera, and then frantically tried to get it back in, trying not to draw attention (but laughing so hard I was crying). Yowza!
Comment by Ang — January 31, 2006 @ January 31, 2006 at 10:30 am
This story reminded me of when my Uncles coworkers did this same thing to him. Man, guys can be so immature.
Comment by Isabel — January 31, 2006 @ January 31, 2006 at 1:14 pm
HAHAHHAHAH! I had given a subscription to my husband once upon a time (sue me - there’s some pretty pictures in some of em. *L*) and since it was my name on the check, it came in my name - and they mistakenly put one in my MOTHER’S mailbox (she lives on the same street.)
She came down, and said “they put your HUSBAND’s smut in MY MAILBOX!” and I was all. “oh THERE it is! it’s not his, it’s mine - see? it’s got my name on it..”
One of my 101 ways to embarass your mum. heheheh!
Comment by Lessa — January 31, 2006 @ January 31, 2006 at 2:36 pm
LOL! Well, I suppose you need to know your enemy and what better way than a nudie mag. . .waaaaiiiiit. Too funny. and yuk.
Comment by Lou — January 31, 2006 @ January 31, 2006 at 5:50 pm
i totally would have been secretly excited and kept it.
Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — February 1, 2006 @ February 1, 2006 at 12:08 am
Ummm, k. That would freak me RIGHT out!
Comment by Heather — February 1, 2006 @ February 1, 2006 at 4:11 pm
Um yeah.
I would flip my lid over that one.
Comment by Kelly — February 2, 2006 @ February 2, 2006 at 1:06 pm