Scene: A young mother, after a long day of running errands with her children, makes one last stop at the mailbox before driving into the garage. Expecting nothing more than junk mail and some bills, she reaches her hand deep into the box, and pulls out the large stack of paper. Casually scanning the pile of envelopes and grocery store coupons, she suddenly gasps, horrified, and drops the entire stack into her lap. Squealing with disgust, she wriggles her legs until everything cascades to the floor. She pokes the offending object with her foot, shoving it underneath the pile of mail littering the space between the two front seats. With it out of sight, she is able to put the car in gear, and with shaking hands guides the car up the driveway and into the garage. She whisks her children out of the car and into the house, locks the door swiftly behind her, and reaches for the phone to call her husband.

ring ring

Ammon: Hello?

Karli (weakly): Ammon?

Ammon (suddenly worried): What’s wrong? Are you ok? What happened?

Karli (hysterical): I can’t believe it. IN OUR MAILBOX! What was it doing there? Why?

Ammon: What are you talking about? What was in our mailbox? What’s going on?

Karli: Oh, it was AWFUL! I TOUCHED it! With my FINGERS! I have to wash my hands. Oh gross gross gross gross!

Ammon: Karli! Stop! Tell me what is going on!

Karli (whispering): It was a… a nudie magazine!

Ammon: In our mailbox? Are you sure?

Karli: YES I’m sure! I TOUCHED it! With my FINGERS!

Ammon: They must have gotten the wrong house. Did you see who it was addressed to?

Karli: It had your name on it Ammon. Your name and OUR ADDRESS. We’ll have to move. I’ll start looking for houses right away. Can you come home early we can start packing up oh maybe we should go stay in a hotel oh my gosh they know where we LIVE now I can’t believe this is happening so dirty dirty dirty-

Ammon (forcefully): KARLI! Get a hold of yourself! This is not that big of a deal. It must just be a mix-up.

Karli: How are you not upset about this? Aren’t you worried about… unless… it wasn’t… you didn’t subscribe to it did you?!

Ammon (laughing): Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous. Listen, don’t worry. I’ll call them and get it straightened out right away.

Dim lights. Close curtain.

Scene II, one week later:

ring ring

Ammon: Hello?

Karli (yelling): AMMON! WE GOT ANOTHER ONE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF IT!

Ammon: Another… what? What are you… oh! Another one of those… magazine things?

Karli (still yelling): YES ANOTHER MAGAZINE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CALL THEM!

Ammon: Sorry, honey, I forgot. I’ll do it right now. Call you back.

click

5 minutes later: ring ring

Karli: Hello?

Ammon: I took care of it. I still don’t know how they got our address, but they’re going to stop sending it.

Karli (relieved): Oh thank goodness. Thank you. Thank goodness.

Dim lights. Close curtain.

Scene III, two days later: The couple returns home from a night out. They stop to get the mail, this time only one personal letter and a small postcard. The card flutters to the floor of the car, and they reach down simultaneously to pick it up. Together, they read the bright red lettering on the back of the card:

Ammon and Karli: Ohhhhhhhh.

Ammon: It’s all coming together now.