vaseline nightmares
Last night I had a dream. A very very scary dream.
I dreamt I was lying on an examination table in a doctor’s office, naked from the waist up. A bright light was pointed down at my breasts, and I could feel the heat radiating from the light- the rest of the room was very cold. A doctor came in with a serious expression on his face and began rustling papers and clinking metal tools, getting ready to perform the medical procedure. Snapping his gloves, he reached in his lab coat pocket and pulled out a little tub of… vaseline. Scooping out a generous glob, he began spreading the vaseline all over my breasts. Not checking for lumps or lubing me up for anything more serious- this was the entire procedure. Just slathering.
The vaseline smearing went on for some time. I was feeling pretty calm until I looked up and saw faces crowded over the table, watching. There was one woman I recognized from church, we’ll call her Dolly. The four other faces belonged to a group of college boys I had seen goofing off in the waiting room. Dolly and the college boys were staring at my breasts, their mouths open in shock and disbelief.
“Heh heh, yeah. That’s what happens when you nurse two babies,” I said.
Three of the boys started sniggering, but the one who had tried to flirt with me out in the waiting area remained frozen, clearly flabbergasted.
“If you leave your mouth hanging open like that you’re sure to catch a few flies,” I joked nervously.
Dolly spoke up, “I am never going to let that happen to my body.”
She left in a huff, snorting disgustedly and taking the three giggling college boys with her. Doctor Serious was still smearing methodically. Scoop, plop, smear. Scoop, plop, smear. The vaseline was dripping coldly off of my chest, down the side of my ribs. Astounded College Boy still hadn’t moved, eyes wide and unblinking, mouth still agape.
And then I woke up.
I think there are several things we can learn from this weird, freaky dream:
Number one: Even in my dreams, my boobs do not look good.
Number two: Doctors take their tasks very seriously, even if the task is ridiculous and pointless. They are still professionals!
Number three: Lovely ladies you know from church may seem nice on the surface, but they will jump at any opportunity to make fun of your boobs.
Number four: College boys are mean.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go research breast augmentation surgery.
I’ve had crazy dreams, but nothing along those lines. That’s wacky!
Comment by brooke — January 26, 2006 @ January 26, 2006 at 10:09 am
i think you will find the answers the qustions ur wondering about..and you will find your man((u will get married)) or you will have a baby((if ur married))
take care
Comment by N — January 26, 2006 @ January 26, 2006 at 10:26 am
what’s up with commenter 2? Oh well. Curse them with boob dreams tonight.
Comment by Liz — January 26, 2006 @ January 26, 2006 at 11:12 am
I ToTTally GET Your dream! My husband thinks my dreams are just nuts, because they are usually so “out there”. But to me, they are normal.
I’m just thinking, if it were me, the nakedness would have extended to the “nether regions” where the boys would have looked at my ceaserean scar in totally horror as well. And then the doctor would have started pushing up on my gut and ‘nursed to death breasts’ with the vaseline muttering under his breath “maybe if we lube it up enough, it will stay up here instead of sagging…” Lol. Thanks for the laugh.
Comment by Regina — January 26, 2006 @ January 26, 2006 at 11:30 am
You have great dream memory retention skills. I won’t comment on the size of anything in this forum.
Comment by Kathryn, the DYM — January 26, 2006 @ January 26, 2006 at 11:51 am
Too funny. I frequently dream that people from church see me in my underwear. That’s not a hard one to analyze.
Comment by Karen — January 26, 2006 @ January 26, 2006 at 11:53 am
Yeah diddo on the dream retention abilities. My dreams are so out there that I cannot even begin to tell about them.. My Psychologist wants me to start keeping a dream journal but there is just no way of putting them senscically down on paper. Plus the second I try to remember them I loose them.
Comment by Bethany — January 26, 2006 @ January 26, 2006 at 12:03 pm
That is an excruciatingly creepy dream!
Comment by Heather — January 26, 2006 @ January 26, 2006 at 3:13 pm
Damn college boys…
Comment by roo — January 26, 2006 @ January 26, 2006 at 4:29 pm
The other night I dreamt that I spontaneously went to Antarctica, wearing only my pyjamas. In the dream, though, I wasn’t worried about being cold, or about how I would contact my family (although several penguins asked about my sons)–no, I was only worried about updating my blog.
And–I wasn’t able to nurse either of my sons, and my boobs are still shot. Go figure.
Comment by Susan — January 26, 2006 @ January 26, 2006 at 7:41 pm
I read your comment on Self Portrait Tuesdays about the February Challenge (to post unperfect and unflattering pictures and embrace them anyway) scaring the hell out of you. I’m totally with you. It is scary. It will be interesting to see what people come up with. Given your dream and feelings about your breasts, I’m wondering (in an UNpronographic and artistic way)if your breasts will make an appearance.
Comment by Krista- The Silent K — January 27, 2006 @ January 27, 2006 at 5:23 am
Perhaps you have a secret urge to flash said mommy boobs at college boys?
Comment by Woman with kids — January 27, 2006 @ January 27, 2006 at 11:23 am
Ok, that just made my skin crawl. I think your dream must have been triggered by our conversation!
Comment by Queen Beth — January 27, 2006 @ January 27, 2006 at 1:39 pm
OHHHHH my GOSH this is my first visit to your blog!!! I was laughing so hard it was hard to finish the first paragraph. I have searched high and low for my breasts. Have you seen them?? They left almost 6 months ago when I stopped breast feeding my second child. I miss them. Thanks for the chuckle.
Comment by J.D. — January 27, 2006 @ January 27, 2006 at 3:51 pm
I hated my breasts before I had my baby I can’t imagine hating them more. I am notorious for having strange dreams. Happy to say I haven’t had one like that yet! Glad you have a sense of humor about it! Sweet dreams tonight anyway!
Comment by Mama D — January 27, 2006 @ January 27, 2006 at 4:22 pm
Oh my I can’t stop laughing at the lessons you took away from it.
Comment by Lauren — January 27, 2006 @ January 27, 2006 at 6:52 pm
That is just way too funny. I’ve decided the “boob job” might well be worth the investment, so I’m researching too. I’m thinking it might be my birthday present — in 2007.
Comment by Cissy — January 28, 2006 @ January 28, 2006 at 8:00 am
I’ve been having VERY vivid dreams the last two weeeks. I watched that stinkin’ Pink video linked off of Ellen’s web site, and was so afraid I’d have a boob dream last night!
So far so good. I’ll come back and post when it finally shows up in my head.
Comment by Christine — January 28, 2006 @ January 28, 2006 at 9:46 am
The fact is that when I have a dream that involves slathering, breats, and vaseline, it rarely involves a doctor, but rather, Sean Connery. And that is enough about that.
Seriously - the women at my church LURVED it when I flashed them my frankenstein breasts after breast REDUCTION surgery, wherein I CUT THOSE BABIES OFF. It is amazing what can happen when a group of 3 or more believers gather in a church bathroom! HAHAHA!
I found you via VeryMom … did I read right … you’ll be attending blogher?
Comment by sanders5 — January 29, 2006 @ January 29, 2006 at 8:59 pm
What a great story! I never read what others write about their dreams because, frankly, they are usually boring. But your story had me laughing, and I could visualize everything so perfectly.
Comment by Caryn — January 29, 2006 @ January 29, 2006 at 9:03 pm