Last night I had a dream. A very very scary dream.

I dreamt I was lying on an examination table in a doctor’s office, naked from the waist up. A bright light was pointed down at my breasts, and I could feel the heat radiating from the light- the rest of the room was very cold. A doctor came in with a serious expression on his face and began rustling papers and clinking metal tools, getting ready to perform the medical procedure. Snapping his gloves, he reached in his lab coat pocket and pulled out a little tub of… vaseline. Scooping out a generous glob, he began spreading the vaseline all over my breasts. Not checking for lumps or lubing me up for anything more serious- this was the entire procedure. Just slathering.

The vaseline smearing went on for some time. I was feeling pretty calm until I looked up and saw faces crowded over the table, watching. There was one woman I recognized from church, we’ll call her Dolly. The four other faces belonged to a group of college boys I had seen goofing off in the waiting room. Dolly and the college boys were staring at my breasts, their mouths open in shock and disbelief.

“Heh heh, yeah. That’s what happens when you nurse two babies,” I said.

Three of the boys started sniggering, but the one who had tried to flirt with me out in the waiting area remained frozen, clearly flabbergasted.

“If you leave your mouth hanging open like that you’re sure to catch a few flies,” I joked nervously.

Dolly spoke up, “I am never going to let that happen to my body.”

She left in a huff, snorting disgustedly and taking the three giggling college boys with her. Doctor Serious was still smearing methodically. Scoop, plop, smear. Scoop, plop, smear. The vaseline was dripping coldly off of my chest, down the side of my ribs. Astounded College Boy still hadn’t moved, eyes wide and unblinking, mouth still agape.

And then I woke up.

I think there are several things we can learn from this weird, freaky dream:

Number one: Even in my dreams, my boobs do not look good.

Number two: Doctors take their tasks very seriously, even if the task is ridiculous and pointless. They are still professionals!

Number three: Lovely ladies you know from church may seem nice on the surface, but they will jump at any opportunity to make fun of your boobs.

Number four: College boys are mean.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go research breast augmentation surgery.