the squeaky wheel gets the grease
I’ve been thinking a lot about that saying lately.
I always envisioned motherhood as cozy rainy afternoons doing art projects in the kitchen, and family snuggles in the big bed on Sunday mornings. We would frost cookies and take long bubble baths, and the house would be filled with singing and laughter all day long. Yeah, not so much. I’m finding out that having two kids is less about idyllic little Kodak moments, and way more about damage control. The laughter I envisioned is in reality screaming and whining and goodness gracious somebody get me a valium before my brains spill out all over the counter.
So much of our day depends on our interactions with each other. I don’t have one active preschooler and one snuggly toddler, I have a pair of siblings who drive each other batty and spend the majority of their waking hours locked in a conflict of some kind. They cry and they yell and then, inexplicably, they are suddenly rolling around on the floor giggling. Their relationship makes about as much sense to me as those fortune cookie papers with quotes from Confucius. Individually, all of the words make sense, but put them together and you’ve lost me.
Babs is the “squeaky wheel” in our family. At four years old, she is an energetic, bouncy little enigma. She lives life on a roller coaster of emotions, dipping and spinning at the most unexpected moments. I am a strong believer in Emotional Intelligence, so I view these moments of emotional fluctuation as important learning opportunities for the whole family. So as you can imagine, we are learning all the time.
Zibbit is absolutely enamored with her big sister, and wants to be involved in everything Babs does. This is the cause of much distress to Babs, whose most commonly used phrases are “Don’t touch me!” and “Leave me alone!” Babs is much more vocal about her displeasure than Zibbit is, and as a result often wins more parental intervention. This is an error on our part, and one that I try to be aware of as much as I can. I want to teach her to be an example for her adoring little shadow, but at the same time validate her feelings of frustration. After all, I was an older sister growing up too. I remember what it feels like to have a little monster sister grab your Cabbage Patch Kid and run away with it, then get in trouble for chasing her.
I suppose my question is, how much of my personality is a result of the temperament I was born with, and the environment I was raised in? How is growing up with a sister going to affect who my girls are? How is the way their father and I parent their relationship with each other going to affect the people they become? Ok, so that was three questions. I just want our lives together to be more than damage control. Instead of merely greasing our squeaky wheel, I want to gently guide her down the bumpy path of life until she is strong enough to roll away on her own… and not lose sight of everyone else’s needs in the process!
Oh man. It makes me tired just thinking about it.
I think they are still both young…as they get older, and they learn to resolve conflicts on their own, you won’t need to apply ‘grease to the squeak’ quite so often. BUT, when you do, you’ll need a 55 gallon drum.
I am a firm believer that children are born with their personalities, but because no one lives in a bubble, environment (sibs, parents, etc) helps to shape it. A shy child may become more shy, or learn how to come out of her shell a bit, but she is who she is.
Comment by Theresa — January 16, 2006 @ January 16, 2006 at 2:26 pm
i feel ya… my 3 boys are at each other’s necks day and night… it’s ALWAYS about who has what and how can i get it from him and look what M is doing, I’m going to do it too… and then when 1 of them gets in trouble, #1 will laugh and be glad that #2 is in trouble… NON FREAKING STOP! My Mom tells me I need Nanny 911 at my house… I just say they are normal… wanna know how I know they’re normal? Well, despite majoring in Early Childhood Education, I belong to a private message board that is for Mom’s of Boys… and we swap stories back and forth all the time about what our son’s are doing and someday’s it’s my kids that are the worst and then there’s other days where it’s another Mom’s boys… but we all seem to share the same troubles… ‘fighting for position’ as my hubby calls it… they’re all trying to be something.. #1 or the best or something… but they all fight all the time…
hang in there… I hear that boys are worse when they’re young and girls are worse when they’re older… hugs to you!
Comment by Killired — January 16, 2006 @ January 16, 2006 at 4:58 pm
Have you read The Mommy Myth? It’s a fascinating look at the way media images color our ideas about maternity–painting the picture you describe in the beginning of this post. I’ve struggled with this, too, with that sense that this should be so FUN all the time, when really it is difficult and draining and, well, NOT fun, at least some of the time.
And I wonder, too, how my exhaustion is influencing my sons. I don’t want them to remember me as Tired Mommy or Crabby Mommy–I want them to think back fondly on their childhood, the way I think about mine. And then I realize that my mother was probably just as tired and stressed as I am, but because she loved us so much, we felt that more than anything.
I like your new digs, and your new direction. And look at you, making me think! Good job.
Comment by Susan — January 16, 2006 @ January 16, 2006 at 5:30 pm
I can really relate to this. I have two boys, ages 2 and 4, and we’re in the same boat with the same conflicts you’re talking about. Our four-year-old is also much more intense and “high maintenance” and we struggle daily with how much focus he requires vs. how much attention we can or can’t give to the 2-year-old and/or their interactions as a result. It’s really difficult.
As for nature vs. nurture, I used to think it was 50/50, but then I had kids. Now I’m thinking it’s more like 90% nature, 10% nurture!! I think so much of a kid’s personality is simply “that way” from the time they are born.
Comment by Kristen — January 16, 2006 @ January 16, 2006 at 7:48 pm
I think a lot has to do with personalty. My sister and i, we have NOTHING in common. Raised by the same parents, went through the same things. Can’t get along to save our lives. In fact, we don’t speak to each other.
I hope to raise kids that don’t turn out like us. I guess now that I’m about to have two, I better figure out how to do so.
BTW, the new site looks great.
Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — January 16, 2006 @ January 16, 2006 at 8:04 pm
I think it is birth order that makes such a difference. Have you ever read The Birth Order Book by Kevin Leman? I find it fascinating. So probably 90% nature/10% nurture is probably right.
PS I had a little sister too, and she got away with murder. I hope when I have kids I don’t take sides too much with the older kid in remembering that, you know?
Comment by Liz — January 16, 2006 @ January 16, 2006 at 8:29 pm
Personality is huge. I thought you’d like to hear from someone who grew up with sisters and is better because of it. We were and are best friends, despite some major personality differences. You are teaching your children how to be emotionally sensative and resolve conflicts (even though it seems like chaos sometimes) and they will grow closer with time.
I don’t know how to get over the squeaky wheel thing. Don’t we all do that? Please say we all struggle with that one.
Comment by Kathryn, the DYM — January 16, 2006 @ January 16, 2006 at 9:24 pm
i think every family has (at least) one squeaky wheel. ours was #2 of 5. if he had been born first, he would be an only child. now, at 22, he is an absolute prince of a man. hold on and hope for the best!
Comment by chris — January 17, 2006 @ January 17, 2006 at 8:15 am
Have you read the Color Code by Taylor Hartman? It’s great.
I think everyone has their own unique core personality– and I am sure you know this because your girls were different as babies, right? And then their environment, their birth order and a whole multitude of factors add new facets to who they are.
So there you go.
Comment by Stephanie — January 17, 2006 @ January 17, 2006 at 8:25 am
LOVE LOVE LOVE the new design!
Comment by Karen — January 17, 2006 @ January 17, 2006 at 11:28 am
I agree that we’re born with our personalities already hardwired into us. I can’t answer how your parenting styles will affect your girls’ adult personalities, but I do think your girls are lucky to have each other. I always wanted a sister as a child and never had one. I have very high hopes for my own 2 girls, born 7 years apart. It is by no means a smooth dynamic (at least from my 7-1/2 year old’s perspective), but I look forward to the day when the age difference doesn’t matter and they adore each other.
Comment by Sugarmama — January 17, 2006 @ January 17, 2006 at 6:06 pm
I’m not on your blogroll. I’m taking this personally.
Comment by Lou — January 17, 2006 @ January 17, 2006 at 8:59 pm
I think the biggest thing I’ve learned so far is to only deal with what is in front of you when it happens. I feel like we all think too much when it comes to parenting. I believe we all have the instincts to parent without over analyzing. Common sense, if you will. I care about my kids intellect, their emotional development and their character much like the rest of us do. But if we continually try to predict the outcome of each situation, we’ll drive ourselves nuts. My husband and I work on very simple parenting guidelines and we don’t waiver. We emphasize honesty, sense of humor, respect for others and their property, a sense of our Higher Power and loving the members of our family above all others. All behavioral problems are dealt with quickly and we move on. It’s impossible to MAKE siblings get along, but you can start early teaching them to love, respect boundaries and above all, you have to let them work some things out on their own. If you constantly fix their problems, they will not be able to fix them on their own as adults. In our house we NEVER tolerate physical violence, so those are situations needing adult intervention. But if you are teaching them to respect their siblings from day one, you’ll find less physical issues to deal with.
Ok, so I’ve gone on and on. But your post has given me alot to think about. You’re girls will get along. Karen and I never got along as kids, but now we are VERY close!
Comment by Queen Beth — January 17, 2006 @ January 17, 2006 at 9:37 pm